Giving control to the Lord everyday.

So what do we do? We try to do it our way. Then after the trial we do it his way anyway. I do this over and over again. Do you think I will learn? Well yes and no. We are still in these fleshly bodies that have to fight against sin. I have had to break through lately with his purpose. I did a full circle. I am without health insurance because even with my mental illness I am deemed well to have gainful employment. This part is true. My illness is not expected to last more than 12 months, right. Anyway here goes. I am not being a cry baby now. I am just saying lead me Lord.

May 2009 hospitalized and diagnosed bipolar 1 and post traumatic stress disorder later 2010 in the U.S.

July 2009 attempted suicide, psyche hospital, zombie drugs, lithium toxicity because of extreme weight loss

November 2010 returned to the U.S. dead in my sins and almost in the flesh, for treatment with my husbands blessing. God bless them they could not deal with my illness.

November 2010 crisis intervention, meds changed.

March 2011 The Lord’s  Saving Grace through Faith. He let me come to him.

September 2011 after months of therapy,  goals reached to start living as normal as possible.

December 2011 working for the Lord out in the world. I love it.

February 2012 a job working for the Lord with pay. I love it.

March 2012 regular MD won’t write scripts for my disorders.

March 2012 back in therapy, a new psychiatrist.

June 2012 cut from medical insurance and therapy, psychiatrist

August 2012 back to where I began without medical insurance, free service for therapy, medicines, same psychiatrist I saw in the beginning, won’t he be surprised.  I am joking because he saw me at my lowest. Now he will be amazed.  I have group therapy, prerequisite for services. The Lord is shining in My Heart, Soul and is My Strength always. What can I do without him, nothing?

Yes, yes we still want control but, every time we have to give that burden over to him and then the next. With Him all is possible, with man nothing.

The Greatest Gift of All is Love. I write my journal in hopes and prayers that someway my path to recovery touches others and for inspiration to all to Trust in Jesus Our Savior, Our Deliverer, Amen

Oh, here’s A Bless, Bless.  A week ago last Sunday and a few other times, I have cried in church. I just want my family back. Well, anyway I said to our Bible study leader, “Can I say something before we start?” I felt the need to explain what people will see from me with my illness at times. I said;  “I Love this church”.  It is a church of the True Word of Jesus Christ. I searched a long while to find it. Well the end result was. “We still love you.”  So they know and if I am down or up (manic not to often at church) comfort is there.

Living for the Lord. There is nothing else!

I know as only a few, truly there is nothing else. He has his purpose for all of us. You could die tomorrow and if you are not born again, you will not see his kingdom. John 3:3 I hope someone really hears this today. I have heard pastors  say it may not be today, tomorrow but  thousands of times before someone’s eyes are opened by the Lord. We born-again Christians must still spread that truth. We can’t be afraid of trying to witness. We back off, we try again. There is nothing else to do. We must always be a bright light even if it is offensive. It doesn’t even take words to do that. I had to stop going to a place early in my recovery because people wanted to talk to me about my faith in the Lord. It was the best I could do. Other Christians left too. We were not wanted. I do stop in occasionally and the same bright light is offensive. So preach The Word, Live The Word. It doesn’t matter to them either way. I am not saying stuff it down someone’s throat but, really we are trying to pull them out of the fire. It really is that desperate for them.

How can you deny his existence. Look around the sky, the earth, the world all created by him, us, everything, in his perfect order . Genesis 1-3 is not a story-tale people. The Word begins at the beginning. It was first with him (God) and then the Word was made flesh (Jesus), then the (Holy Spirit) guides us through His Word (The Bible).

Your Sister in Christ Jesus

Thank you Lord for choosing me a sinner you had repent. There is no way to earn Heaven. You must get on your knees and repent and humble yourself.

If you think you are not cussing, you are wrong.

How many times a day are you using God’s name in a trivial manner? Oh, but he does mind. I get so upset to hear this day in and day out. I try to explain  that this not a simple little thing you do. It is huge. You are in the habit of using the Lord’s name like slang. It’s a bad habit that needs to be broken. It is not just for you but, for me too. I hear it. It gets said in my mind. My soul aches to hear you do this knowing that you are storing up The Wrath Of God upon yourself. Please stop, I truly pray you will. God is not watching TV, soap operas, baseball, football, the news and okaying your words of expression involving him. This is a bad habit. You need to break it like you have others that offend me. If you were a born again Christian, it would not take too long to have a cure. I pray you can understand. Praising and swearing come out of the same mouth. Romans 3:9-20

Just think about what you are saying. Think about those who are around you having to be exposed to these words. Oh, that my ears did not have to hear this. I can’t block it out. It is day in day out. I can’t count the times it is said. Don’t use Our Lord’s Name In Vain. Please Honor and Worship Him Only.

In Your Name Jesus Christ I pray for all sinning this way…and any other. Come to the Lord. He Can Only Save Your Soul. You need to trust him, repent to him, give your life to Him. That’s the only way your name is in the Book Of Life. He chooses, are you in there. I pray it is true.  


Every day is a Lord’s Day!!!

I am off and running Praising God through Jesus, My Savior. It is his work now not mine. Joyful, Joyful I adore Him. Amen.  Another Lord’s Day of Strength in him, Joy in Him, Love in Him, serving others as he served us and died for us sinners. Pray for all Christians in persecution around the world. Pray for all those in the world that they may realize God is A Sovereign God. God is the Creator of all you see. He was, is will always be the same God. He does not change. You cannot have The Father without The Son, Jesus Christ. Nor The Son without The Father. There is only one way The Trinity. The Father, The Son, Jesus, The Holy Spirit Our helper.

Amen, Amen, Amen!!!

I know I just need answers.

What do you think when a person has mental disorders? If we read in the New Testament we know our Lord Jesus, cured all kinds of infirmities and diseases. Some were called demon possessions. I remember the man in the tombs. He was possessed by legions of demons. They were sent into the sheep and jumped over the cliff. Jesus allowed them to go in the sheep and not the abyss. People with these disorders can be stable for the most part with meds now and because the Lord has saved us. Is that what we have had a demon? If so I am still not cured.

Is it genetic mutations over the generations? They were healed back then by Our Lord.. I am not. I would appreciate it if anyone would give me some thoughts on this from a biblical point. I would love to hear it.

A sister in Christ Jesus

I find myself in dilemas daily.

I don’t know all the answers for me. My guess is my triggers are being pushed. I am touchy. I don’t like this feeling. I finally prayed for a control from the Lord. I know he could heal me. If not he can always make me deal better. I am still upset with going to therapy again. It is giving me anxiety. I guess now I do need it. I am told by my therapist that I need to be able to set limits. She says my mom is replacing my dad with me. I do try not to feel bossed around. I do try to do the Lord’s work as much as possible. I do it everyday with joy in my heart. The therapist asked me if I am doing anything wrong. The answer is no. She says I need this structure in my life. She says I cannot conform to what my mom wants of me. It is her way of control. Mom wants what she wants now. I wasn’t there right on time to take bags of mulch out of the van. She called me and hung up on me and went and did it with a frozen shoulder, torn rotator cup. By the time I got home ten minutes later, it was done. She was angry and said she did not want to talk to me. I said ok I will just leave. Then she said I am not taking the car. I threw the keys in the driveway and went back over to my volunteering. I wasn’t angry, just miffed. When I came home my brother was here, calming the situation because I called him. He said we have to work it out. Well she apologised but, it keeps happening. Everyone in my life wants to change me to their way sooner or later. I cut the lettuce today. Why do I not use the outside instead of cutting it? I don’t know. It is my way. Don’t put pineapple rinds down the disposal. I know that. I don’t put anything down there. I told her I was feeling the bipolar today. Please let up. She has seen me reactionary. My therapist says I have to keep myself well. I can’t just sit and do what everyone wants. I need structure. It keeps me stable. I know the Lord has me here for a reason. My family says it’s my duty. They come on holidays or when they feel like it. I have two brothers and one sister. I want them to step up too. All I get is I am here she has me. Well, just come and take her out. It is true one lives five hours away. She is taking a vacation with friends and won’t be here until July. Yes, she has a demanding  job. One day she yelled at me and said I have it easy. I said you want to be bipolar? This is not easy. My life has not been easy. My testimony says all that.. The Lord saved me at fifty-four. I was a seed that took root with joy and withered away in the eighties. Now he is my Savior.  My one brother comes the most. He is there for me and her. He does have a demanding  job in the behavior health industry. So he knows my disorders very well. He completely understands. So I have to find a happy medium for all things. He has his in-laws approaching the dying time also. My dad died March 16. My other brother also has a demanding  job. He lives one hour away. He says it is God’s plan for me too. Okay but, not alone. My mom has needs, I get it. She should be all our priorities, even if she says they have their own lives. I have mine too and a right to it. I do live here. I cut the grass. I do all I can. I will be more company for her. I did finally say to her. Are you lonely when I am gone? Yes, was the answer. So Lord, I am a servant with your love and compassion. For all those that I can be. I guess I have to find the happy medium. So you show me. You take me where I need to be. You are my control. I give it to you. I am but a sinner and I am useless without you. You are loved by me with all my heart, soul and strength. I trust you to keep me on that even keel. I have to take my meds. I am not healed of this, bipolar 1 and P.T.S.D. I feel it. It’s there. Lord you are my strength in all. Any advice or comments are welcomed. Prayer is needed. I haven’t felt these real reeling swings so much as this last month. I need calm. I need the Lord to change me not this world. It is no good. It is not where I belong.

Amen! Lord Jesus, you are all I need to be safe and sound, sane.

Ten to four and I didn’t lose.

Things I can’t control

  1. How much the Lord loves me and 
  2. How much I love him and others and
  3. The gifts he has given me and
  4. The trials I go through as a born again Christian and
  5. Where he has me living my life and
  6. The brokenness of my relationship with my daughter and husband and family I had to leave and
  7. The reason I had to leave, mental illness and their ability to not be able to deal with it or to give more support and assist me in stability, not wanting to walk on eggshells to cater to my illness and
  8. What other people think of me as a Christian and being part of a peculiar people and
  9. My constant joy in knowing I will see My Lord Jesus in heaven
  10. Who hears the Word of the Lord and who doesn’t

Things I can control with the Lord’s help

  1. The church I attend and hearing the whole truth and
  2. Who I choose as friends (Christians) into my closer space and
  3. How I react when people trigger my disorders and
  4. Where I work and freely give my love

The hardest thing to control is the want to fix something. I can’t do it anymore. Every time I do I get hurt again. It is hard to say out of sight out of mind. It does not happen. Some days are better than others. No one wants anything from me unless it is to benefit them. I guess silence is golden to them. Just go on with your lives like you never knew me. I am told that I don’t know anyone anymore. After nineteen years you would think you did. After raising my daughter and loving her, doing the best I could for her always. She is now fifteen. When I was very sick I reacted to her saying she hated me the way I was (bipolar). I did swear at her in reaction to it and I did treat her badly with words. Then she took over and I was done in. So I will always be the bad guy and that is okay. Jesus did not come to bring peace on earth. He came to set a man against his father, daughter against mother, and a daughter in-law against mother-in-law, read on. Matthew 10:34-36 It even happened before I was born again. So now it is even more so. Who do I love more? My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

My daughter

I remember you when you were growing in my womb. 

I remember finding out you were a girl and your dad was angry.

I remember you when I took you home and the car seat dwarfed you.

I remember you in those cute little white tights with the ruffle at six months old.

I remember when pink was my favorite color on you.

I remember how fast you grew out of those cute clothes.

I remember how your brother used to yell she is stealing from me. You loved his hot wheels. We had to get you your own.

I remember how beautiful you were growing up and still are since I have a picture.

I remember how I was a stay at home mom until you were ten.

I remember protecting you many times from bullies.

I remember the last time cost me you and my health at the time.

I remember that all things work together for good to those who love God. Romans 8:28-30