A letter from my heart to yours, daughter.

I have no idea how you are? I have a bit of knowledge of school that is it. I know we used to share many things. To bad I had to get sick and ruin it all. I am just hoping someday you will forgive me that I have a mental illness? I don’t begin to know what I was like when I wasn’t me. All I know is with all the wrong meds and the wrong way it was given to me, I couldn’t control everything. I told your dad I had some setbacks recently with your grandpa dying. I also had a few confrontational moments with family. Yes, I am sensitive, as always. When grandpa was dying, I did my best not to get into it with him. He was pretty mean at times. I don’t think it was just that he was dying. I know he always had issues and did not like trivial talk. So we did not talk much with him or in front of him. It was just the way he liked it. We seemed to irritate him no matter. I can understand now. I think he was bipolar also. His mom had issues. I am now with mom and I see how she doesn’t listen to me at times. She is the way she is too. What can I do? Pray and live with it? Love her, take care of as much as I can. She is so worried about getting Alzheimer’s and really we all have signs of forgetting things past or even present at times. You walk in a room forget why you are there. I have been there did it many times.

I would like to say I truly appreciated your eulogy written for your grandpa. It was very important to me that it was read. I plan on sending you a keepsake of his obituary. You and your brother were his grandchildren. Even though your brother is a step-grandchild, he was loved as a natural one and is. It is very hard sometimes to realize my dad, your grandpa is gone.

I am praying that your dad takes care of himself with his kidney failure. He can’t be cheating on foods or drinking too much liquids. It will only cause him more trouble. He has to follow his diet and stick with it. If he doesn’t you will be there all alone taking care of your brother, grandmother and grandfather. I think that is a little much for anyone to handle. I hope it doesn’t happen but, we do not know what tomorrow will bring. God only knows. Your dad asked me about your passport renewal. I am thinking, who would she want to see here? Are you thinking of going to Texas? As far as I know you haven’t stayed in touch with your old best friend there. Your dad said he wanted me to sign something to get it renewed just in case? I really don’t want to waste years if we have them and all of sudden you contact me. It won’t be good for either one of us. We will be so far apart, not that I won’t always love and do love you. Separation and no conversation will keep us strangers. I don’t want to feel awkward with my only daughter. I always have cherished you as a beautiful gift from God. I don’t begin to understand the why of this estrangement. I only know in my heart of hearts, I never wanted to leave. I just was so hurt with the way your dad could and did not want to deal with my illness. I know that he said he didn’t know why he was treating me the way he was. I know he denies that he couldn’t stand me sick, it doesn’t matter. He as I could view it was frustrated and didn’t want a sick wife. I could not be unbipolar, but I could have been better with all your help. I am now and have been after the initial shock of knowing I could not go back. I had to recover from what I went through. How could I go back to the same situation? He didn’t change anything, his opinion of me or how to help me. He said he would not walk on eggshells for anyone. I should be able to just take everything in stride. Everyone could speak about me, make decisions about me and even sane, I don’t know Arabic. It is a shame that it all had to come to this. I do however think of you every day of my life and will always. 

A friend of mine told me I should use my site to write letters to you from time to time. You can know that it is not easy for me because I do miss you every minute. I never wanted to not be your mother. I know you have moved on. Your dad said you have no mother-like figure anymore. He said you had to grow up fast, since I left. I did not want to have this happen. I won’t wish away anything that happened though. It would mean not ever having you in my life. So as it is, it is. Maybe someday with the Lord’s help, you will forgive me. I look forward, trusting in him that will come to be. Anyway, first letter on my blog. You said before you look at it once in a while. So it’s here for you from my heart. I love you mom.

I visited a friend today who is down…

I have been friends with him awhile. He wants to live on his own. I keep telling him if the Lord wants you to that will granted. He has a meeting on Wednesday. He is in a wonderful group home. He has COPD and other things like depression. I keep telling him you are not a prisoner. He won’t give it to the Lord and realize his needs are being met in every way everyday. It is not a prison to have others capable of looking after your needs. He can even work if he wants. He said he feels like he is failing to witness as much as he wants to. He wants to be a man and take care of himself. I told him God knows his situation and when those times come to witness you do it.  Being out on his own would be so lonely. I just can’t get what he is thinking. I just know in my heart it is not what God will grant him. I told him to not be angry if the answer is no. Just to keep working towards that goal at a later date and see what happens. Keep studying his Bible going to church and working…Trust the Lord completely. Give it all to him. 

My situation is not much different. I live with my parents. At fifty-five I have to answer to their rules. I use their car. I stay in my room most of the time to Worship the Lord. I love my parents and pray for them daily. They are just unaware of what the world system is coming to. I take my chances to witness always but mostly it falls on blinded eyes and deaf ears. This does not mean I won’t keep trying. I want to have a part-time job. I have fulfilled one of God’s directions in my life. I am a certified Hospice Volunteer. Everything comes to those who follow the Lord’s commands and it’s not all at once. I have issues as everyone else but, by following the Word, going to my church and fellowship with other Christians, I am stronger in the Lord. I would not want it any other way and the Lord doesn’t either. I thank and worship him everyday I am here, to be given mercy in his sight. To have been chosen from the beginning for his own Glory. Is there anything else I need, no not really. I just wait for the day he returns for all of us elect Christians. I pray my prayers for others, and my family estrangement in Lebanon. I heard a message yesterday from our Pastor. He said when you pray and hope consider it completed. He said for us all to stop saying yes but. All is possible with the Lord. Nothing with man himself. So I don’t belong here in this world. My world in after this one. The Lord’s world with no fear, no pain and no tears. God also said all of these things we have lived through will no longer be remembered. I can L I V E with that E T E R N A L L Y,  Amen, Hallelujah.

What I lived before becoming to the Lord’s is no comparison. I have no where else to go and wouldn’t want to.

Give yourself totally to the Lord, no excuses. If not he will send you where you won’t want to be.

I wrote to my daughter and told her she needed to make her choice through Jesus for God. I told her I hope God has chosen her in my words. That she needs to turn away from the music she listens to because, it is all evil. I told her that concert she went to was all for taking kids to hell eternally. The words in their songs are obvious if you listen. I gave her some Bible verses in Matthew 24:1-51. I told her salvation is personal and everyone has their own choice to be responsible for. Her dad has nothing to do with that. His choice is not hers. In assurance that she read it. I also sent an email to her aol account telling her, I can’t believe the things she writes on facebook, swearing words, hateful remarks about her friend. I took up for that same friend before and after I became ill. My daughter is doing the same thing as everyone did to her friend. She told her every time she talks to her she can feel her brain cells depleting, such love. Maybe they are not close anymore, I wouldn’t know. Her other friend, one of the twins who caused this all by being abusive to others, has never learned her lesson and still puts the same friend down and others, I’m sure. I hope the girl who is being abused confides in her mother this time. I would pray her mother looks at her daughter’s account, since she’s been through this before. She should see what people are saying to her and put a stop to it, including my daughter. Her daughter is going to be affected the rest of her life already. I lived it I know. You feel what is wrong with me? Why are people teasing me and outright mean to me? Why am I am not liked for who I am? It’s a terrible way to lose your self-esteem. Some people can let it roll off their backs and others can’t. What is my daughter doing? She is a bystander and a contributor to this girl’s hurt, a bully.

I love this girl. She is a beautiful soul, that God will draw to him one day, just like me. She will be broken-hearted, feeling worthless and hopeless. In her misery she will give up and ask him for help and give her burden to him. She will not be able to do otherwise. I have faith I will see her in Heaven. If her mom isn’t up on this or playing it down. She won’t confide her hurt. The same as before when I saw it and told her mom. Please Lord, I pray hard for her to turn to you.

I pray hard for all, knowing not many will come to salvation because they think this world is so wonderful. It’s the haven for living in the flesh for the evil one. Going about your business as usual. Never thinking the time will come and you will be caught unaware, too late. It’s all spelled out for those the Lord allows to see and have turned to him when he calls them. It can’t be a superficial repentance. It has to be a complete trust and total reliance on him and the most important is you will live the change because he works through you. Without that you are going on with your life as usual without true submission. That’s what happened when Noah built the Ark. He kept telling the people to repent for a hundred years. They did not listen. The flood came and destroyed all the evil ones. Only eight people, Noah, his wife, their sons and their wives were deemed righteous enough to live. Genesis Chapters 6-9. The same thing for Lot, Abraham asked God to spare any righteous. Only his nephew Lot and his daughters were spared, his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt. No trust in the Lord. God rained fire and brimstone and destroyed all in Sodom and Gomorrah, for unrepentant sins. Genesis 19:1-29. For some the price is too large to pay. In the end all the things they care for in this world will be gone. They will be suffering eternally and begging for forgiveness. Too late you had your choice. You didn’t care to hear, to search or find him. He seeks you first and you obey. You will be on his right side or his left at judgement after the Tribulation, for the Kingdom on earth. That means you are either a sheep on the right or a goat on the left. The left will be sent to eternal hell. Why even go through that? Believe without seeing and you can be saved. Give your whole heart and soul to him. He chooses you.

In the end of what I wrote to my daughter. She took almost all the bad things off her facebook. I’m not sure the reason. Her dad or God. Time will tell. It’s not for me to say. She seems to have unfriended me on messenger social. I can only pray that the Lord’s plan is for her to repent and for many more to come to salvation. I trust you with my life Dear Lord, totally. In yours hands, I am dead in the flesh but, will live eternally. True Christians can’t wait for that time. We have to wait patiently and always be ready. For no one knows the date or time, Only God, Amen

The words on my daughter’s site are gone.

I hope this means God through Jesus opened her eyes. I have not received a nasty email from her and I blocked the tare. So he will have to use her email to send the evil message if she shows him this first. So maybe she heeded the message God sent through me. I pray that is true. My letter to her follows:

It is a beautiful lie and a perfect denial. You can’t even see you are headed the wrong way to the wide path. I hope God knocks you to the narrow. Because few here find it. This group worships the devil. Read all their lyrics and then you won’t want to listen anymore. Open your eyes to where they want to take you. You were bombarded with evil for hours. You celebrated it on facebook.
They are saying Christ is a beautiful lie a perfect denial. I believe in nothing, not satan or God lower case. Believing in nothing is a choice against God and Jesus. Christ is beautiful and perfect. God is responsible for your salvation if you are chosen. I pray that is true. I am not preaching, I am stating fact. You used to think of Jesus and wish to be his. See if it can be. If it is he will open your eyes. This is personal for you. Your dad can’t make any choices for you, only God. Your dad told me, Why do I care which hole the banana peel ends up in? I do and always have. I left because, my sickness made me leave. I had no choice. I had to get better. I could not do it there. Now I’m here. My dad is dying. If you don’t think that was God’s plan, I don’t know what is. My dad had this cancer when I came. It was diagnosed shortly after I got here. I then had no choice but, to stay here to take care of them. Just like your dad went to take care of his parents. I blame no one for what happened to me in my illness. I take total responsibility, in hopes some day you’ll see forgiveness is of God. As is Love, hope, charity, salvation, sanctification and glorification, all the goods things, not evil. 
Update:  I checked on lyrics for this song after that concert, completely changed now…A sneaky deception from satan. The concert was done with those words though. 9/7/11
God and Jesus Love you so much. If you don’t know that or he does not call you away from this, you will be lost forever. Everything in the Word Of God is true (The Bible). One third or more has already occurred. Seek and you shall find. Knock and it shall be opened.
Read Matthew 24:1-51. If you are chosen your eyes will be opened. It’s in red in my Bible because it’s God’s words. Repent all your sins and your burden will be lifted. This world is passing away. Eternity with God will never. Neither will eternity in hell.
I love you very much but, not above God The Almighty. Through his Son Jesus Christ is the only way to salvation. This is God’s last attempt through me to help you. No more will be said.
I hope someday you check this account.
Into God’s hands through Christ this was given. Thy will be done. Amen!

A Letter to My Daughter

I just wanted you to know I am always here for you. If things get even more dangerous over there, you have an option. I am very stable with my medicines that I will take the rest of my life. I don’t harbor any ill feelings for anyone there. If I hadn’t been so isolated (without friends or social support) maybe things could have been different. I would have had someone who would have understood and talked to me. The doctors there didn’t understand what was going on behind closed doors. You didn’t even know. Besides you know some of your friends are abused by their own parents. It’s just acceptable behavior there. You saw me reacting to hurtful words even if it was done jokingly. I could not take it. I was severely damaged from the life I have lived. Making wrong choices all throughout it, because I was bipolar in my teens and no one knew about this then. I had a very low self-esteem. When your father turned on me because I got mentally ill that was okay. He should have got me well enough and shipped me out. I was a disgrace to the family where there is no mental illness. Your dad just could not deal with it, nor you but, that’s okay. He used to tell me you’d be better without me now, I can say you’re better off without me.

I would have helped your friend anyway and you anytime even though I know now what it brought to the surface, bipolar 1 and PTSD. In the end, I decided to leave to get away to see if things could change. I actually never made a complete decision until months after I was here. How could I? I still wasn’t well enough. You both gave me the option of being the old me or else. Which I was not sure would ever happen at that point. It did though and I am really happy I came through it with the help of God. He could have let me die but, my purpose here is not completed. The same feelings ate at me here and I thought again about ending it many times. I actually went to a crisis center the next day after I got here. I told my mom I had to have help now. My brother, is in that field and his wife,  so they arranged for me to get help right away. I had to check in daily with the crisis center until they could be sure I wouldn’t harm myself.

Imagine yourself where no one wants anything to do with you. They call you names, make remarks that hurt, it’s called crazymaking. You remember times in your life when you felt the way both you and your friend were feeling being bullied. When the girl here in the U.S. bullied you. I stopped that. I did it at the risk of losing my best friend. I knew it was wrong and I wasn’t going to let you take it. When that one boy hurt you so bad you screamed and threw your books down. How much of that could you take everyday? Especially to someone with these disorders. These are the triggers that set the mania into action. After a few months here without hearing any of those things I recovered to be able to stand on my own again. Don’t get me wrong, I still miss all of you. I worked very hard to get where I am. I apologize again for calling you the b word and all that I did, but really I was out of my mind. When you told me you hated me the way I was I didn’t want to live anymore hence my suicide attempt to end all the worthlessness, hopelessness and the pain in my soul dying in me. This is by no means a way to get back into your life. I really don’t know if you’ll read this anyway. Just like I don’t know if you got the box (your dad paid for the stuff) I paid to ship it. It wasn’t a bribe. I just wanted you to have it. I remembered the joy in your face when we bought it together. If you still hate me and your dad and everyone else does, I can live with that. I will always be married to him the rest of our lives unless he comes to the U.S. to divorce me.

Oh, and I will be going back to work soon as a peer for people with disorders like mine. If you’ve lived it you can help others if only to listen and share your experiences on overcoming obstacles. You have my permission to let anyone you choose read this it’s yours. America is stomping out bullying passing laws against it. Lots of terrible things in this world. I pray for all to know the Lord Jesus in their hearts and souls and live in him. Live with the light shining brightly. Forgive everyone and love everyone, repent of your sins. We are all sinners, no one better than anyone else.

Love you, Mom

P.S. Say Hi to your brother and your friend & her parents. I know you’ll run right to your dad with this but, guess what it’s okay. My love of you and your brother will always remain in me.