Nothing like a bipolar meltdown.

Well it took a couple of days and here it came. Just like before always trying to smooth things over to no avail. Broken, broken and broke and the only healer for my pain is the Lord Jesus.. I know my family is living in a country that is in the end times. How many times is God’s Cedars Trees and Lebanon mentioned in the Bible, many.

Well the country will eventually be pulled into the jihad mode. They are all for each other even different sects eventually. Are two armed groups going to fight each other against Israel, no.

I fear for my family.  Not in the fear mode of danger there but in the fear of no salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. If you don’t have a personal relationship with him, being born again, you will not see the kingdom of God. They are ritualistic Christians like the Jewish Sadducees and the Pharisees, same religious hypocrisies, earn my way to God plan. All they could see was Jesus was healing on the Sabbath breaking their rules. They had to get rid of him and they had him crucified. He was innocent and lived a sinless life. They were of their father the devil, blinded by their own ways, man’s way to their God of their own making. Jesus died to bear our sins to bring a people from all nations including God’s chosen Jews to salvation. Man’s way can never work. I always wondered why the kids in the church touch the priest’s garment. Then I read my Bible and Jesus healed people who touched him. They believed in him that he was the Son of God and so their faith through him made it possible. The Apostles had the same God-Given power. I always thought it was too weird kissing those icons and crosses too. Oh, that I now can see that these are wooden and carved idols.

Anyway my meltdown is over. I had a good cry.  I spent three weeks not emailing my husband only to have him come down on me about and email my daughter shared with him. It is always about being better than others, about it being your fault and he has no part in it. So I will always have this to deal with unless I stop doing want I should not be doing, that is trying to talk to him. He always gets angry anyway.  So I will spare him, me.

Too bad again the meltdown came in church. I had my good cry (they know my issues). I came back in listened to Pastor’s message. Somehow I always hear something for me that soothes my soul. I even sang in the choir praising our Lord. It was truly amazing praise.

Updated:  I have been told that unless I deny My Lord Jesus, there is only a hairline of hope for my marriage.

We SEE Rumors of war, war and great disasters.

As born again Christians we know the things happening are what the Lord Jesus said in the Gospels. Don’t let your heart be troubled. These things will happen and then the end will come. Do not trust in this world, be not of this world because this world will fade away.

If you have never read the Bible you should. How can anyone look around this universe and believe it just evolved? God is perfect and created a perfect universe. Then Adam and Eve through the deception of satan fell from God’s Grace. We have that grace freely given to us to embrace. Jesus says he will by no means close the door to those who will come to him. Can you come or can you wait until you see worse? People around me just poo hoo what is happening. Because of our eyes being opened by the Lord we know these are indications for what is to come. We do not and no one knows when the end will come. I only see the true picture of what is happening because his mercy upon me and other born again Christians. God’s wrath will come on this world. God says so in His Word. You can believe now or see what happens to those who do not and be on the wide road to destruction. I am striving to enter the narrow gate. What about you are you doing the Lord’s work or your own?

New Testament, Mark Chapter 13

I am still a sinner!

My nephew is struggling as a new Christian. He has disabilities as I do. I have spoken about him before. He is having a very hard time in school right now in fact he is feeling he can’t do it. I have done that all my life with the jobs I have gotten. It’s like once you apply yourself and get in your head you can do it you do. I didn’t know the Lord then so he has an advantage. Maybe he will find out God has other plans for him. Some in my family think he can’t do it. Well we do know all is possible with God. So he was given through my brother and I, Words from the Lord. To pray in faith and to trust and if it is his plan, you will get what you pray for. I for one did not do well in math. I did not care though. I just wanted out of high school where I wanted to be a wallflower inside the wall. That is a true story in my blog already somewhere. We will continue to pray for him.

He also has this ongoing doubt as a new Christian about sin. The more he does it, the more he is convicted, but of course he cannot be sin free. Oh, but don’t we all know about that. I have tried to tell him The Blood of Christ has covered our sins. That as life goes on until the end we will not be without sin. Who doesn’t feel guilty, a sinner convicted, (his Aunt), the gossip? The more I try to stay out the more I get drawn in. It’s like a plague that eats through me along with losing myself with my triggers in my bipolar mess. It’s what the deceiver can use to war against us. Those things he knows are our weaknesses.

This is what I had lately. All staff are grumbling about a new assistant manager. I tried to stay out of it. Everyone was complaining to me and in front of me. I said many times go to the manager. I tried very hard to stay out of it. Well now I feel guilty because I did go to the manager. I just could not take it anymore. Well things will change, she is going to have too. Now Lord let my mouth stay silent about what is now taken care of. I just had to write a letter to my boss about what was going on and others did also. I have no problem working with anyone. I am there for the Lord. I love my ladies and would do anything for them. That is my gift from the Lord. I am not here to think about who does more on the shift. If they don’t I do it. I work for the Lord who cares what others do. They will have to answer later. The whole of it is we get drawn into a fallen world and it is the tempter who draws us to sin. I have sinned again and telling anyone is just an example, not more gossip.

We have to stay here until he comes and don’t we long for home (Matthew West Album). I love Christian music. One of my favorites on his album is Broken Girl but, they are all good and right to the heart as other Christian singers take us. So everyday pray, everyday read the Word, everyday trust him for in him all is possible. Oh, Lord, come quickly!!!

Thank you Lord for the time I had there. Update: still do.

Brian’s House is Closing. It is a care facility for patients in their last days of life. Brian’s’ House offered very loving care for patients and families alike. Our co-ordinator had many years there. She had the most volunteers in the state. So what now?

Giving control to the Lord everyday.

So what do we do? We try to do it our way. Then after the trial we do it his way anyway. I do this over and over again. Do you think I will learn? Well yes and no. We are still in these fleshly bodies that have to fight against sin. I have had to break through lately with his purpose. I did a full circle. I am without health insurance because even with my mental illness I am deemed well to have gainful employment. This part is true. My illness is not expected to last more than 12 months, right. Anyway here goes. I am not being a cry baby now. I am just saying lead me Lord.

May 2009 hospitalized and diagnosed bipolar 1 and post traumatic stress disorder later 2010 in the U.S.

July 2009 attempted suicide, psyche hospital, zombie drugs, lithium toxicity because of extreme weight loss

November 2010 returned to the U.S. dead in my sins and almost in the flesh, for treatment with my husbands blessing. God bless them they could not deal with my illness.

November 2010 crisis intervention, meds changed.

March 2011 The Lord’s  Saving Grace through Faith. He let me come to him.

September 2011 after months of therapy,  goals reached to start living as normal as possible.

December 2011 working for the Lord out in the world. I love it.

February 2012 a job working for the Lord with pay. I love it.

March 2012 regular MD won’t write scripts for my disorders.

March 2012 back in therapy, a new psychiatrist.

June 2012 cut from medical insurance and therapy, psychiatrist

August 2012 back to where I began without medical insurance, free service for therapy, medicines, same psychiatrist I saw in the beginning, won’t he be surprised.  I am joking because he saw me at my lowest. Now he will be amazed.  I have group therapy, prerequisite for services. The Lord is shining in My Heart, Soul and is My Strength always. What can I do without him, nothing?

Yes, yes we still want control but, every time we have to give that burden over to him and then the next. With Him all is possible, with man nothing.

The Greatest Gift of All is Love. I write my journal in hopes and prayers that someway my path to recovery touches others and for inspiration to all to Trust in Jesus Our Savior, Our Deliverer, Amen

Oh, here’s A Bless, Bless.  A week ago last Sunday and a few other times, I have cried in church. I just want my family back. Well, anyway I said to our Bible study leader, “Can I say something before we start?” I felt the need to explain what people will see from me with my illness at times. I said;  “I Love this church”.  It is a church of the True Word of Jesus Christ. I searched a long while to find it. Well the end result was. “We still love you.”  So they know and if I am down or up (manic not to often at church) comfort is there.

Parents you really need to watch what your kids are listening to to.

My daughter has a new favorite band. She sent me a link wanting me to buy shirts, etc for her. The first thing I thought was thank the Lord, she is listening to Christian music. She says they are a Christian band. One look I knew that was not true. I also read the lyrics. Nothing about love and God there. Please parents be very aware. The deceiver gets our children at a very young age at times. I am so happy with my church that is doing vacation Bible school. We have had several children that have come to know the Lord this week. Don’t allow your child’s heart to be hardened. I pray the Lord has hands on my daughter to bring her out of the dark. So many teens are being deceived by false religious movements and music claiming to be of God.

Her new idol band has hateful lyrics and skulls on shirts. You don’t need the name of the band. Just look there are many out there. There is a good CD, called: “They sold their souls for rock and roll” on Cross TV.

http://thepiratebay.se/torrent/4635156/Cross_TV_-_They_Sold_Their_Souls_For_Rock_N_Roll_4_Hour_Version

Parents be vigil, in Jesus’s name we pray…

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL348B16F84EA1D84F  CrossTV/Mark Kielar videos.

Faith Triumphs in trouble

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character, and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:1-5

Straight from the heart the Lord gave me.

I love my life now, because I know of eternity with The Lord. I have had to go on with His purpose for me. With His Gifts to me I walk through this place.  Even though it has hurtful experiences from the past. The worst being separation from my family in Lebanon. I don’t worry about the why’s now. I just know in my heart any repair will come from His work. I now go for days, weeks not hearing from them. It is because of their internet connection problems. It is mostly down. I have to ask to talk to my daughter. She never initiates. These things are part of my testimony in the Lord. A trust in Him that goes beyond the beyond.

I have a mental illness that still flares up. If it is to be healed that is in His purpose for me. I still take meds. I am done with the new therapy they made me go to. I knew it would be this way, but guess what it was good while I had it during the death of my dad. It is also helping me deal with perseverance along with the Lord’s help. They of course say, stand up for yourself, which I have but, it comes out to everyone as my illness. A few understand my triggers. That’s okay if it happens it happens. I am sorry to those that have to endure it and to The Lord. If you don’t have bipolar1 with post traumatic stress disorder, how can you ever really understand it? Are any, except the therapists, psychiatrists, The Lord, understanding? They do because they are in there doing their jobs to help people deal with this in their ways. I trust The Lord will not let me slip into another great fall into delusion. I was brought to my knees by this. I needed Him and He was always there. I gave Him my life because He made my heart ready to give all my burdens and sinfulness to Him and He covered them by His blood on the Cross. 

So in the long run here, where we are strangers, sojourners in this place, we always have Him as our guide through His spirit and, His Word, The Bible. Everything is there to help you grow in that Love for Him. A love we know without seeing Him. He  says: Blessed are those that do not see but, Believe. Amen.

Update:  Now the Lord worked out something different. I can get my meds paid for but, I have to attend group therapy weekly. That is the way it goes. It is a requirement. If you haven’t heard many people in recovery from mental illnesses confess Jesus as Savior. Maybe he has more witnessing in mind. Hmm, we will see where he leads me with this. It won’t hurt!

Beautiful and inspirational!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cG0miHArPY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZ9bkkkvLhE

 

From  servants of the Lord on His mission.

Keep walking with me.

Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could constantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not my way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times and you are weak. Someday you will dance light-footed on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life.

July 14th from Sarah Young’s “Jesus Calling”.

This is in Memory of our recently departed brother, Jeremy. He was thirty-two years old. He walked that path and the Lord took him home. Our Pastor spoke of his testimony and walk with the Lord. We have no doubt where he is. If there were any ready to hear the Lord’s Word yesterday, they heard because he let them. Amen!