Torn apart by mental illness for over three years.

Bipolar 1 disorder was a destructor of my life. I wish that when I first was diagnosed I would have had the right meds. I wish my husband could have tried harder to understand that it was me not in control. All I wanted was support and love from them. I did not want to be ignored like I was a piece of furniture. I really don’t think they intentionally did this. Though at times it was a joke to them. I knew then I could get well with the love of my family. If they had worked just a bit to understand the illness. My brother (who is dying) told me I was saved at that time. I cried out to the Lord to not have to live like this. I felt I would rather die. So suicide was the answer.

The Lord changed all that. I know how hard it is to deal with the mentally ill. I am bipolar 1 with P.T.S.D. and now I have the Lord who is my strength and solace. I never dreamed I would get such a beautiful message from my husband. It went straight to my heart that has never stopped loving him.

The Greatest Commandment!

In answer to a lawyer’s question after the Lord had silenced the Sadducees about the resurrection. (Matthew 22:23-34); (Mark 12:18-27); (Luke 20:27-40)

Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”

Jesus said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.  

This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:35-40); (Mark 12:28-34)

This was an email from my husband today.

Missing the girl who never forgot anything.

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Dying before you are ready.

So the rushed retail days are over. They never kept me from fellowship with Christ, Our Lord. The more we pray and stay in the word the more we grow as children of God. I don’t begin to understand all He has in store for us. I do know I am His child forever. I look forward to seeing heaven as it is described in Revelation. There is no doubt it is a beautiful heaven and we will have no pain, or fear, or cry or die again.

I think of my brother who is dying. He was here at Christmas. He has lost thirty pounds. He is very ill. I have cried many times. What can I say but, that I am praying for God’s will for him. It is all God’s will and that’s the prayers He hears. According to His will my brother will go home to Him. My brother does not want to leave yet. It is not that he is afraid or that he has doubts about going to heaven. He is dealing with the flesh that wants to live longer. He wants to try some Italian doctor’s treatment.

I don’t think he could make a ten-hour flight. Go through all that and get back here. His twin brother will go with him, if he insists. He would rather have his current doctor here do the treatment. I would say if someone is dying, let them have the treatment they want.

He does not want chemo or radiation. Pills work less and less. He can’t eat any fat. We all have that flesh that wants to hang on here. I wish I could be with him all the time but, he does not want that. He says he will need us later, when he goes on hospice.

He told me that he wanted to live until his eighties but, he is fifty-eight. Losing a loved one is very hard. It has been like my dad (died in 2012 same cancer) a bit over again, because he gets angry. He said before, that being a Christian, why can’t he control the sin of anger? I say we all have sins that go out of control. I can’t control the hurt I instantly feel when people hurt me. I want to run and hide. I think his anger is a reaction opposite mine of sadness.

I really don’t have anyone to talk to. My husband is not a choice, my daughter probably never again, my sister lives away. I can’t talk to my mom about my beliefs. She does not want to hear it. She says can we please not talk about this. I have my beliefs and you have yours. It’s the same with my other brother. My church does not know what to do for me. My brother wanted to be baptized before he dies. He never found a church where he lives. He came to mine he says they teach the word. You must be a member to get baptized. I spoke to one of our past deacons and asked him if he thought it made a difference. He said no. Pastor says he will do his funeral service.

Yes, Lord sorrow runs deep here in this world. Take me to Your kingdom soon. Amen.

Look all around you, does it all just look great to you? Do you see things getting better? What planet do you live on. Everyday another suicide bomber, people killing each other. Even in Lebanon, Beirut now, all around the Middle East, more unrest. Who is next door to all these countries? God’s chosen people the Jews, Israel. He has not forgotten them. He will return for His church first, and then the vine we are grafted into.

So if you die before you are ready. You better have confessed Jesus as your Savior. He came to save us and He will have all the Father has given Him when he comes for us the second time.

God’s Sovereignty covers all.

If you think you are in control of your life you are not. If you think the presidential election was in the control of the people it wasn’t. If you think these terrorists and deniers of God are in control they are not. If you think creation was created by itself it wasn’t. It’s God’s sovereignty, his creation. How can you look around and see everything in such perfect order? Before a man is his desire to be his own god. Man wanting to believe he is his own ruler over his life. Even by all the  knowledge of man this world is passing away and messed up. Yes there are earthquakes, hurricanes, floods by earth’s causes and disasters man-made and hate and wars, evildoers. There was nothing lacking in the paradise Adam and Eve were given. Yet they were deceived to believe God was not sovereign. I have seen because he let me that he is sovereign over my life and I give it wholly to him. Because if I did not I would go where no one ever wants to go. There is a Heaven and there is a hell. If you go to hell before the second coming (die without true repentance and obedience to our one and only God, through Jesus Christ), you will be at the throne of judgement and cast into the eternal pit of fire without God. You will know his sovereignty then. Even if you should be alive at his second coming and not believe the only way to God is through Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son. The same will happen to you then. There is inside everyone a light (conscience) that knows there is our One and Only God. When you stand at judgement and deny you didn’t know, you did make a choice. Because all around us is his creation from the beginning. Denying God is hellfire for eternity. Your conscience given by him inside tells you. He is there and was and always will be God, for eternal life in heaven or eternity in hell.

So be your own god of your riches here or other gods, or paganism, or all kinds of idols and religions that do not honor our God. Repent to the one and only Sovereign God. Amen. I pray for all, heeding His Word (The Bible) and not heeding.

We really can’t blame anyone but ourselves.

For one thing I did vote despite my desire not to. I even repented casting it. I felt like I was choosing between men as usual saying whatever to get elected. Both do not know the Christ Jesus we know. Sorry people you cannot add extra books to the Bible and think it is okay. Rev 22:18. Both have a derailed idea of Christianity. God says he hates idolatry, perversion, murders, liars, deniers of his sovereignty. Noah preached over a hundred years for repentance of the people while following God to build the Ark. God destroyed the earth with a flood for this in Genesis. He saved Noah and his family only. Then Lot was saved from Sodom and Gomorrah with Abraham pleading with God if you find fifty righteous men will you spare the city. Well one was found and his two daughters. The rest destroyed by fire and brimstone. The city was so depraved that the angels sent to Lot were sought carnally by the old and young men alike they surrounded the house. The angels blinded them.

Well from the time of creation after Adam’s fall, and through the above mentioned we have continued toward those ways again, all depravity is excepted. I am not judging anyone. I am also depraved, since no one seeks after God, not one. He chooses his own and they hear him and he hears them. This is all in the Bible, plus much, much more. We are spiraling down to the worst again. The signs of the Lord’s wrath upon the world have started just the birth pangs. If you don’t see that now you will in his time, not ours. So I implore you to study, open the Bible and pray you can understand the Words of the Lord. Repent your sins. There is only one right choice Jesus Christ. He suffered, died and rose from the dead to free us from sin. Only if we grab hold of his free gift of Grace by Faith. Is it being offered to you? Yes to all!  I pray you let that door of you heart open to him and repent your sins. He died to cover them. The worst is yet to come, he told us so.

So pray for all and never stop because by his own words we know what happens on the last day.

We can’t know God’s complete plan for us.

It’s a trial and error sort of thing for me. I know God is not  going to just drop in my lap what he wants me to do. I do know that one part of his passion and love for me is being fulfilled. I can’t stay in the blame game for myself to why things happen the way they do. I can only move forward with what this day will bring. I trust him. I wish I still had the job I had. I could have still had it. I just could not take the presumptions about me from others (unbelievers) I should have been able to stand fast take my lumps and continue because I loved what I did. I just really believe that people can truly misinterpret and  will hurt you and they don’t even know you. They judge. They don’t know I have P.T.S.D and bipolar1. If they had I hope they would have backed off. All I was trying to do was calm my girly girly as I always can and have. Instead because of the shame I quit. The shame of it all on my record for a year.

All I know is that his hand is holding mine. He feels my pain. His pain and suffering I can never even come close to. He died for us sinful lost people. He chose who he wanted to know him personally and through him we know the Father,  (Abba). How comforting that is? His Holy Spirit is in me. It is okay for me to still break and cry and feel lost. After all the trials we go through make us cling to him all the more.

Today is a new day. I just finished my group therapy. It always helps. I believe this form of therapy is the best for me. I complained (grumbled) a while back about it. I do need it. It is other beautiful ladies with their own trying times us helping each other.

I do have a job interview today for part-time position. I realized with my illness I can’t work full-time. Besides it takes away from my volunteer work. I will not have that happen. So the Lord as always has me lean on him. He is sovereign over my life in all this life here and forever.

I am A born again creature in Jesus Christ, growing in his spirit daily.

Trust him, he is always there. Through the bad and good. I know it, you know but, sometimes we want to get lost in the pain AGAIN.

I always have the Lord to hold me.

I am having a very tough time now with my illness. I thought I was having a relapse and needed to be hospitalized. I tried to get to my therapist and she was out. I was crying and could not stop. I called my brother and he got me help. It took about and hour and was determined I had deep sadness and let it out. I have had several setbacks with my job and my family. I know I can’t have my family back but, I keep that hope alive in my heart. I know with the Lord anything is possible. So those tears came out in sheets ripped out of my broken heart. I think working too much, even though I loved the work, finally overwhelmed me. It was copacetic for me and was derailed thanks to my illness. I have to again take it slow and find something different the Lord has for me. I tried to concentrate on scripture and sermons yesterday. My mind just kept having racing thoughts, the what ifs, could it have been done in this way? Why didn’t I go back to my family even though I know it would not have worked? Why does a daughter, mother relationship have to end? Why can’t people help us cope too? Don’t they know that the mentally ill sometimes slip more than others? If they even think about that. I think about the healing miracles of the Lord in the Bible. Do I have one of those demons inside me? People say no that a child of Christ cannot. I just think I am being tormented with what he can use on me that old devil of old. My Lord is helping with might. I just hold that verse in Revelations 21:4, near my heart. No more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for all the former things have passed away. True and perfect promise from Our God Almighty.

My brother said we have had a hard year. Our dad died, job stuff, family estrangement, a big pileup upon me. I was listening to comforting Christian music, the words soothed me. I have been crocheting again to help. My mom made me promise to come to her if I feel that down. She says I help her she’ll help me, good combo. My brother said he would talk to me when I need it. God Bless him for being there. His wife is in the hospital with a kidney stone, severe pain, and they can’t get her a-fib to stabilize. All this and he took time for me. I felt guilty, my crash at a bad time for them. Well I have to see the crisis counselor today, same one from 2010. I made my mind up I won’t be back on Medicaid. I have good care where I go weekly to group. There is such a stigma about mental illness, but degeneration has produced what is. Man’s fall from obedience to the Lord and a few will find their way back. Matthew 7:13-14.  I am in that few, that I can be sure of. I am striving as the Holy Spirit leads me, our helper. Never mind being a doubter too at times. I know it happens to us all. Anyway if I talk too much about me, this is my journal to stability. I don’t want pity. I want prayer for we must pray for and support our brothers and sisters in Christ around the world and those that don’t know him and are deceived. Anyway my  personal thoughts for the start of just today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. I need to hold unto that. All that is going on in this awful world and I am just one little pea out of the pod that does not want to be here or belong here…We long for the Day of The Lord.