Testing, testing, testing, gone…

I am sure by now everyone knows I have mental issues. I am a God-fearing woman, His choice. I can take customer’s problems or outright ugliness from them. I do a very good job where I am at. I am a team player and expect the same from others.

I have talked to my boss about this and she said it should not be happening. I always straighten when ever the time is available. I always watch for customers at the checkout while I am doing that. We all know how we as Christians treat others with kindness always.

This is the fourth or so incident with an employee embarrassing me in front of a customer. I was folding tee shirts someone took out of the package. I went to put jeans up and was coming back. Then I hear myself being paged overhead. So I go back to the checkout. The person says to me what is this, in front of the customer. She knew what it was. She could have put it aside and when I got back I would fix it. Anyway I nicely confronted her afterward and asked her not to correct me in front of people. She said I was snotty to her. I was not. I said if I seemed upset it was in response to her treating me wrongly. She is not a manager.

This is a very busy time of year and we need to be extra supportive of each other. I told this girl, we had a discussion already about this with the manager. She said oh really. Anyway I am sure she will tell on me. I don’t care. I did nothing wrong. I have P.T.S.D. When someone attacks my person, it’s boom, I am hurt. I don’t get over it easy either. I am glad it was the end of the day.

If it’s about the Lord, or being busy working, no problem. I am giving my notice tomorrow. It will be my last day, no two weeks notice. It will be on the spot. I will work my shift tomorrow and and it’s over. I would rather give blood plasma and work for the Lord anyway. This job has took me away from my volunteer work. I guess I have to realize I am never going to control P.T.S.D. I have been bullied all my life and I just don’t need to take it from another person and I can walk away. If I am at a job I can’t. If it was taking the sword for Jesus, I am ready. I am ready everyday.

I love you Lord, with all my soul, my heart, my mind and strength. I just am weak in this point. I have tried very hard but, every job ends the same way.

 

 

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Asking for prayer today.

I had a very tough day yesterday and last night with P.T.S.D. and anxiety. Today I feel it but, I am with the Lord working through it. Everyone tells me I need a tougher skin. I am trying.

I am feeling like quitting my job. The Lord knows I want to work. I feel I am having issues with another employee. Maybe it’s because I am a Christian and he feels the Spirit of the Lord around him. I can’t witness of course, not allowed to speak of Christianity. I have made mistakes since I have been there, nothing not fixable.

I just want to work and not have issues with others..This is miniscule compared to what is going on in the world

Lord take away this stressfulness today. I pray in the name of Jesus Christ!

We really can’t blame anyone but ourselves.

For one thing I did vote despite my desire not to. I even repented casting it. I felt like I was choosing between men as usual saying whatever to get elected. Both do not know the Christ Jesus we know. Sorry people you cannot add extra books to the Bible and think it is okay. Rev 22:18. Both have a derailed idea of Christianity. God says he hates idolatry, perversion, murders, liars, deniers of his sovereignty. Noah preached over a hundred years for repentance of the people while following God to build the Ark. God destroyed the earth with a flood for this in Genesis. He saved Noah and his family only. Then Lot was saved from Sodom and Gomorrah with Abraham pleading with God if you find fifty righteous men will you spare the city. Well one was found and his two daughters. The rest destroyed by fire and brimstone. The city was so depraved that the angels sent to Lot were sought carnally by the old and young men alike they surrounded the house. The angels blinded them.

Well from the time of creation after Adam’s fall, and through the above mentioned we have continued toward those ways again, all depravity is excepted. I am not judging anyone. I am also depraved, since no one seeks after God, not one. He chooses his own and they hear him and he hears them. This is all in the Bible, plus much, much more. We are spiraling down to the worst again. The signs of the Lord’s wrath upon the world have started just the birth pangs. If you don’t see that now you will in his time, not ours. So I implore you to study, open the Bible and pray you can understand the Words of the Lord. Repent your sins. There is only one right choice Jesus Christ. He suffered, died and rose from the dead to free us from sin. Only if we grab hold of his free gift of Grace by Faith. Is it being offered to you? Yes to all!  I pray you let that door of you heart open to him and repent your sins. He died to cover them. The worst is yet to come, he told us so.

So pray for all and never stop because by his own words we know what happens on the last day.

We can’t know God’s complete plan for us.

It’s a trial and error sort of thing for me. I know God is not  going to just drop in my lap what he wants me to do. I do know that one part of his passion and love for me is being fulfilled. I can’t stay in the blame game for myself to why things happen the way they do. I can only move forward with what this day will bring. I trust him. I wish I still had the job I had. I could have still had it. I just could not take the presumptions about me from others (unbelievers) I should have been able to stand fast take my lumps and continue because I loved what I did. I just really believe that people can truly misinterpret and  will hurt you and they don’t even know you. They judge. They don’t know I have P.T.S.D and bipolar1. If they had I hope they would have backed off. All I was trying to do was calm my girly girly as I always can and have. Instead because of the shame I quit. The shame of it all on my record for a year.

All I know is that his hand is holding mine. He feels my pain. His pain and suffering I can never even come close to. He died for us sinful lost people. He chose who he wanted to know him personally and through him we know the Father,  (Abba). How comforting that is? His Holy Spirit is in me. It is okay for me to still break and cry and feel lost. After all the trials we go through make us cling to him all the more.

Today is a new day. I just finished my group therapy. It always helps. I believe this form of therapy is the best for me. I complained (grumbled) a while back about it. I do need it. It is other beautiful ladies with their own trying times us helping each other.

I do have a job interview today for part-time position. I realized with my illness I can’t work full-time. Besides it takes away from my volunteer work. I will not have that happen. So the Lord as always has me lean on him. He is sovereign over my life in all this life here and forever.

I am A born again creature in Jesus Christ, growing in his spirit daily.

Trust him, he is always there. Through the bad and good. I know it, you know but, sometimes we want to get lost in the pain AGAIN.

I always have the Lord to hold me.

I am having a very tough time now with my illness. I thought I was having a relapse and needed to be hospitalized. I tried to get to my therapist and she was out. I was crying and could not stop. I called my brother and he got me help. It took about and hour and was determined I had deep sadness and let it out. I have had several setbacks with my job and my family. I know I can’t have my family back but, I keep that hope alive in my heart. I know with the Lord anything is possible. So those tears came out in sheets ripped out of my broken heart. I think working too much, even though I loved the work, finally overwhelmed me. It was copacetic for me and was derailed thanks to my illness. I have to again take it slow and find something different the Lord has for me. I tried to concentrate on scripture and sermons yesterday. My mind just kept having racing thoughts, the what ifs, could it have been done in this way? Why didn’t I go back to my family even though I know it would not have worked? Why does a daughter, mother relationship have to end? Why can’t people help us cope too? Don’t they know that the mentally ill sometimes slip more than others? If they even think about that. I think about the healing miracles of the Lord in the Bible. Do I have one of those demons inside me? People say no that a child of Christ cannot. I just think I am being tormented with what he can use on me that old devil of old. My Lord is helping with might. I just hold that verse in Revelations 21:4, near my heart. No more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for all the former things have passed away. True and perfect promise from Our God Almighty.

My brother said we have had a hard year. Our dad died, job stuff, family estrangement, a big pileup upon me. I was listening to comforting Christian music, the words soothed me. I have been crocheting again to help. My mom made me promise to come to her if I feel that down. She says I help her she’ll help me, good combo. My brother said he would talk to me when I need it. God Bless him for being there. His wife is in the hospital with a kidney stone, severe pain, and they can’t get her a-fib to stabilize. All this and he took time for me. I felt guilty, my crash at a bad time for them. Well I have to see the crisis counselor today, same one from 2010. I made my mind up I won’t be back on Medicaid. I have good care where I go weekly to group. There is such a stigma about mental illness, but degeneration has produced what is. Man’s fall from obedience to the Lord and a few will find their way back. Matthew 7:13-14.  I am in that few, that I can be sure of. I am striving as the Holy Spirit leads me, our helper. Never mind being a doubter too at times. I know it happens to us all. Anyway if I talk too much about me, this is my journal to stability. I don’t want pity. I want prayer for we must pray for and support our brothers and sisters in Christ around the world and those that don’t know him and are deceived. Anyway my  personal thoughts for the start of just today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. I need to hold unto that. All that is going on in this awful world and I am just one little pea out of the pod that does not want to be here or belong here…We long for the Day of The Lord.

Thorns, I have two and they keep afflicting me.

My Pastor knows my afflictions with mental illness. He was preaching on meditating on these things. Whatever things are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, are of good report, if there is anything of virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy–meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me do, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9. Peace be with you and me brothers and sisters.

I have failed my Lord.

I realized way to late I was having a post traumatic stress attack. I was rightly accused of a rights violation. I walked in to pick up a resident. I tried to calm her down like I have before. This time the audience was too much for me. I felt like I was a demon. Only because I have experienced it before did I know after what had happened. I cried, I missed my exits. I had another resident crying.

The next Monday I was told I would be reprimanded and not fired with one day’s suspension. It would remain in my record a year. I decided to terminate. How can I ever be sure it won’t happen again? How can I even with my Lord know what is in my future with my illness? This will always be in my mind as I would continue to work there. We bipolar suffer from racing thoughts, highs and lows, (mania and depression). Post traumatic stress disorder is a disorder I can’t control. If I feel attacked it is an automatic reaction. Everyone knowing also, better for a sick person like me to be gone. Well I can’t be perfect with my mental illness. I feel like curling up in a ball eternally. Someone told my boss that if one of her employees did this they would be fired on the spot. That was my reason for it. I would fire me on the spot too. They mentioned all the pluses of me, my loving heart and care. I guess I will have to see what else is out there for me. I know I can’t work full-time it was just too much even though I will miss the wonderful ladies I took care of. I had asked to be have my hours reduced but my manager said it could not be done. This was after another very stressful time of people complaining about a new assistant manager. I wanted to quit then. I should have. After all of it they said I could go back to part-time. I had picked up hours since another employee had been hurt on the job. I really thought I could do it. I was working with one day off during the week and every other weekend off. I still look at it as working for the Lord. He will have to send me somewhere else he knows I can handle. I spent three days in bed thinking of ending it again. He didn’t let me.