Time to close the chapter.

I have over time had hope of my family reuniting.  If it’s in God’s will I believe that can be. I am faced with everyday trying to live without them. I do well because I give the Lord my focus. When I take my eyes off him, I do not do well at all. I find daily reading, praying and being out serving others is my only peace. He knows that too and I give him the Glory. Everything I have done cannot fix my relationship. First it was I could not be who I was before without my disorders (bipolar 1 and post traumatic stress). That is not going to change and really I can live with it. I stay out of situations now that will cause me great difficulties that I do not need. I have with prayer decided I don’t need to be rejected by my husband and family over and over. I have since leaving Lebanon in 2010 become a born again Christian. It is nothing to do with me. It is for the Lord’s Purpose. I will follow that purpose for the rest of my life. It is because through His Word and prayer he leads me and I know the Truth. I have been told by my husband now that the breakage of our relationship is due to my religion. He says I should return to the Orthodox Church. He can’t believe just the few in my church are the only ones that will see Heaven. Throughout this blog he has read all kinds of verses maybe. I know for sure he read the following. He told me he would never read my blog again after that.

The one that stirred him so much was Matthew 16:24-28, as follows: Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels and then He will reward each according to his works. Assuredly I say to you, there are some standing here who shall not taste death till they see the Son of Man coming in His Kingdom.”

I choose My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ above all and that will never change. Amen! That He had mercy on me, because He has mercy on who He chooses.

“I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I have compassion”. Romans 9:15

So what am I saying then? Take up your cross every day and follow the Lord Your God in every way until he returns. But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, but My Father only. I pray you read the rest yourselves. Matthew 24:36-44

For as it is written:  “As I live, says the Lord, Every knee shall bow to me, And every tongue shall confess to God.” Romans 14:11

You will know he is the one an only God. Why not know now without seeing it at the end? No choice is still a choice for destruction by his wrath. Because he created in us a conscience that knows, a little Light to grow or to blow out forever.

We can’t know God’s complete plan for us.

It’s a trial and error sort of thing for me. I know God is not  going to just drop in my lap what he wants me to do. I do know that one part of his passion and love for me is being fulfilled. I can’t stay in the blame game for myself to why things happen the way they do. I can only move forward with what this day will bring. I trust him. I wish I still had the job I had. I could have still had it. I just could not take the presumptions about me from others (unbelievers) I should have been able to stand fast take my lumps and continue because I loved what I did. I just really believe that people can truly misinterpret and  will hurt you and they don’t even know you. They judge. They don’t know I have P.T.S.D and bipolar1. If they had I hope they would have backed off. All I was trying to do was calm my girly girly as I always can and have. Instead because of the shame I quit. The shame of it all on my record for a year.

All I know is that his hand is holding mine. He feels my pain. His pain and suffering I can never even come close to. He died for us sinful lost people. He chose who he wanted to know him personally and through him we know the Father,  (Abba). How comforting that is? His Holy Spirit is in me. It is okay for me to still break and cry and feel lost. After all the trials we go through make us cling to him all the more.

Today is a new day. I just finished my group therapy. It always helps. I believe this form of therapy is the best for me. I complained (grumbled) a while back about it. I do need it. It is other beautiful ladies with their own trying times us helping each other.

I do have a job interview today for part-time position. I realized with my illness I can’t work full-time. Besides it takes away from my volunteer work. I will not have that happen. So the Lord as always has me lean on him. He is sovereign over my life in all this life here and forever.

I am A born again creature in Jesus Christ, growing in his spirit daily.

Trust him, he is always there. Through the bad and good. I know it, you know but, sometimes we want to get lost in the pain AGAIN.

I always have the Lord to hold me.

I am having a very tough time now with my illness. I thought I was having a relapse and needed to be hospitalized. I tried to get to my therapist and she was out. I was crying and could not stop. I called my brother and he got me help. It took about and hour and was determined I had deep sadness and let it out. I have had several setbacks with my job and my family. I know I can’t have my family back but, I keep that hope alive in my heart. I know with the Lord anything is possible. So those tears came out in sheets ripped out of my broken heart. I think working too much, even though I loved the work, finally overwhelmed me. It was copacetic for me and was derailed thanks to my illness. I have to again take it slow and find something different the Lord has for me. I tried to concentrate on scripture and sermons yesterday. My mind just kept having racing thoughts, the what ifs, could it have been done in this way? Why didn’t I go back to my family even though I know it would not have worked? Why does a daughter, mother relationship have to end? Why can’t people help us cope too? Don’t they know that the mentally ill sometimes slip more than others? If they even think about that. I think about the healing miracles of the Lord in the Bible. Do I have one of those demons inside me? People say no that a child of Christ cannot. I just think I am being tormented with what he can use on me that old devil of old. My Lord is helping with might. I just hold that verse in Revelations 21:4, near my heart. No more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for all the former things have passed away. True and perfect promise from Our God Almighty.

My brother said we have had a hard year. Our dad died, job stuff, family estrangement, a big pileup upon me. I was listening to comforting Christian music, the words soothed me. I have been crocheting again to help. My mom made me promise to come to her if I feel that down. She says I help her she’ll help me, good combo. My brother said he would talk to me when I need it. God Bless him for being there. His wife is in the hospital with a kidney stone, severe pain, and they can’t get her a-fib to stabilize. All this and he took time for me. I felt guilty, my crash at a bad time for them. Well I have to see the crisis counselor today, same one from 2010. I made my mind up I won’t be back on Medicaid. I have good care where I go weekly to group. There is such a stigma about mental illness, but degeneration has produced what is. Man’s fall from obedience to the Lord and a few will find their way back. Matthew 7:13-14.  I am in that few, that I can be sure of. I am striving as the Holy Spirit leads me, our helper. Never mind being a doubter too at times. I know it happens to us all. Anyway if I talk too much about me, this is my journal to stability. I don’t want pity. I want prayer for we must pray for and support our brothers and sisters in Christ around the world and those that don’t know him and are deceived. Anyway my  personal thoughts for the start of just today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. I need to hold unto that. All that is going on in this awful world and I am just one little pea out of the pod that does not want to be here or belong here…We long for the Day of The Lord.

I have failed my Lord.

I realized way to late I was having a post traumatic stress attack. I was rightly accused of a rights violation. I walked in to pick up a resident. I tried to calm her down like I have before. This time the audience was too much for me. I felt like I was a demon. Only because I have experienced it before did I know after what had happened. I cried, I missed my exits. I had another resident crying.

The next Monday I was told I would be reprimanded and not fired with one day’s suspension. It would remain in my record a year. I decided to terminate. How can I ever be sure it won’t happen again? How can I even with my Lord know what is in my future with my illness? This will always be in my mind as I would continue to work there. We bipolar suffer from racing thoughts, highs and lows, (mania and depression). Post traumatic stress disorder is a disorder I can’t control. If I feel attacked it is an automatic reaction. Everyone knowing also, better for a sick person like me to be gone. Well I can’t be perfect with my mental illness. I feel like curling up in a ball eternally. Someone told my boss that if one of her employees did this they would be fired on the spot. That was my reason for it. I would fire me on the spot too. They mentioned all the pluses of me, my loving heart and care. I guess I will have to see what else is out there for me. I know I can’t work full-time it was just too much even though I will miss the wonderful ladies I took care of. I had asked to be have my hours reduced but my manager said it could not be done. This was after another very stressful time of people complaining about a new assistant manager. I wanted to quit then. I should have. After all of it they said I could go back to part-time. I had picked up hours since another employee had been hurt on the job. I really thought I could do it. I was working with one day off during the week and every other weekend off. I still look at it as working for the Lord. He will have to send me somewhere else he knows I can handle. I spent three days in bed thinking of ending it again. He didn’t let me.

I am still a sinner!

My nephew is struggling as a new Christian. He has disabilities as I do. I have spoken about him before. He is having a very hard time in school right now in fact he is feeling he can’t do it. I have done that all my life with the jobs I have gotten. It’s like once you apply yourself and get in your head you can do it you do. I didn’t know the Lord then so he has an advantage. Maybe he will find out God has other plans for him. Some in my family think he can’t do it. Well we do know all is possible with God. So he was given through my brother and I, Words from the Lord. To pray in faith and to trust and if it is his plan, you will get what you pray for. I for one did not do well in math. I did not care though. I just wanted out of high school where I wanted to be a wallflower inside the wall. That is a true story in my blog already somewhere. We will continue to pray for him.

He also has this ongoing doubt as a new Christian about sin. The more he does it, the more he is convicted, but of course he cannot be sin free. Oh, but don’t we all know about that. I have tried to tell him The Blood of Christ has covered our sins. That as life goes on until the end we will not be without sin. Who doesn’t feel guilty, a sinner convicted, (his Aunt), the gossip? The more I try to stay out the more I get drawn in. It’s like a plague that eats through me along with losing myself with my triggers in my bipolar mess. It’s what the deceiver can use to war against us. Those things he knows are our weaknesses.

This is what I had lately. All staff are grumbling about a new assistant manager. I tried to stay out of it. Everyone was complaining to me and in front of me. I said many times go to the manager. I tried very hard to stay out of it. Well now I feel guilty because I did go to the manager. I just could not take it anymore. Well things will change, she is going to have too. Now Lord let my mouth stay silent about what is now taken care of. I just had to write a letter to my boss about what was going on and others did also. I have no problem working with anyone. I am there for the Lord. I love my ladies and would do anything for them. That is my gift from the Lord. I am not here to think about who does more on the shift. If they don’t I do it. I work for the Lord who cares what others do. They will have to answer later. The whole of it is we get drawn into a fallen world and it is the tempter who draws us to sin. I have sinned again and telling anyone is just an example, not more gossip.

We have to stay here until he comes and don’t we long for home (Matthew West Album). I love Christian music. One of my favorites on his album is Broken Girl but, they are all good and right to the heart as other Christian singers take us. So everyday pray, everyday read the Word, everyday trust him for in him all is possible. Oh, Lord, come quickly!!!

Giving control to the Lord everyday.

So what do we do? We try to do it our way. Then after the trial we do it his way anyway. I do this over and over again. Do you think I will learn? Well yes and no. We are still in these fleshly bodies that have to fight against sin. I have had to break through lately with his purpose. I did a full circle. I am without health insurance because even with my mental illness I am deemed well to have gainful employment. This part is true. My illness is not expected to last more than 12 months, right. Anyway here goes. I am not being a cry baby now. I am just saying lead me Lord.

May 2009 hospitalized and diagnosed bipolar 1 and post traumatic stress disorder later 2010 in the U.S.

July 2009 attempted suicide, psyche hospital, zombie drugs, lithium toxicity because of extreme weight loss

November 2010 returned to the U.S. dead in my sins and almost in the flesh, for treatment with my husbands blessing. God bless them they could not deal with my illness.

November 2010 crisis intervention, meds changed.

March 2011 The Lord’s  Saving Grace through Faith. He let me come to him.

September 2011 after months of therapy,  goals reached to start living as normal as possible.

December 2011 working for the Lord out in the world. I love it.

February 2012 a job working for the Lord with pay. I love it.

March 2012 regular MD won’t write scripts for my disorders.

March 2012 back in therapy, a new psychiatrist.

June 2012 cut from medical insurance and therapy, psychiatrist

August 2012 back to where I began without medical insurance, free service for therapy, medicines, same psychiatrist I saw in the beginning, won’t he be surprised.  I am joking because he saw me at my lowest. Now he will be amazed.  I have group therapy, prerequisite for services. The Lord is shining in My Heart, Soul and is My Strength always. What can I do without him, nothing?

Yes, yes we still want control but, every time we have to give that burden over to him and then the next. With Him all is possible, with man nothing.

The Greatest Gift of All is Love. I write my journal in hopes and prayers that someway my path to recovery touches others and for inspiration to all to Trust in Jesus Our Savior, Our Deliverer, Amen

Oh, here’s A Bless, Bless.  A week ago last Sunday and a few other times, I have cried in church. I just want my family back. Well, anyway I said to our Bible study leader, “Can I say something before we start?” I felt the need to explain what people will see from me with my illness at times. I said;  “I Love this church”.  It is a church of the True Word of Jesus Christ. I searched a long while to find it. Well the end result was. “We still love you.”  So they know and if I am down or up (manic not to often at church) comfort is there.

Living for the Lord. There is nothing else!

I know as only a few, truly there is nothing else. He has his purpose for all of us. You could die tomorrow and if you are not born again, you will not see his kingdom. John 3:3 I hope someone really hears this today. I have heard pastors  say it may not be today, tomorrow but  thousands of times before someone’s eyes are opened by the Lord. We born-again Christians must still spread that truth. We can’t be afraid of trying to witness. We back off, we try again. There is nothing else to do. We must always be a bright light even if it is offensive. It doesn’t even take words to do that. I had to stop going to a place early in my recovery because people wanted to talk to me about my faith in the Lord. It was the best I could do. Other Christians left too. We were not wanted. I do stop in occasionally and the same bright light is offensive. So preach The Word, Live The Word. It doesn’t matter to them either way. I am not saying stuff it down someone’s throat but, really we are trying to pull them out of the fire. It really is that desperate for them.

How can you deny his existence. Look around the sky, the earth, the world all created by him, us, everything, in his perfect order . Genesis 1-3 is not a story-tale people. The Word begins at the beginning. It was first with him (God) and then the Word was made flesh (Jesus), then the (Holy Spirit) guides us through His Word (The Bible).

Your Sister in Christ Jesus

Thank you Lord for choosing me a sinner you had repent. There is no way to earn Heaven. You must get on your knees and repent and humble yourself.