I just want to share with someone I was like glue with. These last four years have been the most trying time in my life. The loss has been insurmountable. I can look back now and say. The Lord has carried me through. He tells us in His word, when we surrender, that He will never give us more than we can endure.That when we are about to sin, He gives us a way out. I have in Him, peace in everything. It is not that I don’t remember or that the pain is gone. I have peace in this that you have always been a good father. It was best that I was taken out of the equation. No one then and no one now, except, my Aunt Sharon truly understands my illness. And that is okay on this earth. God does know everything about all of us. Our minds, our souls and every hair on our head. This time, with my brother dying has been another big trial for me. My illness has reared its head so many times. I accept what I am. I accept my thorn, my cross to bear. Because I have not bore it without Christ, my solace. I just wanted you to know that I am still who I am in your memory, the best I could be in the time before and after I was diagnosed.
My brother is at the end and I choose not to see his body dead. I have all the laughs and joy and peace with his last year here. I know right now if someone is toxic for my illness, I run. I have always done that. It is a protection mechanism for me. I want nothing but, what I already have. Nothing material of his is important to me. What I have in my heart, mind and soul are enough. I cherish all I have had in this life. I am sorry there is nothing I can ever do to fix things with you and Nicole. It was broken and beyond repair when I got sick. Your life has been better without me. This I know because over here they have endured it all and it would never have ended for all of you dealing with me either. I will always have my buttons. I will always blow at some point. I will always come out the other side ashamed of what I have done. I with the Lord’s help will never be consumed by it. I can choose to walk away to protect my sanity. I will survive here until the Lord comes for me. I have peace in that. While I am here I will continue with the work He has given me.
I asked my brother Mike to forgive me yesterday. He says he does but the proof is in that I have no texts keeping me up to date. I have texted my family with updates every day for the longest. I will hear nothing unless I call. I won’t because I don’t want to wake Mark. He wants the ringer on no matter. So we stay in touch by text. My mom will call me later after the nurse comes and goes. He is throwing up tar-like bile now. They are finding out if he is a candidate for a procedure that will allow the bile to be released in a bag. like a colostomy. Then he will choose to be put asleep until he goes. My brother Mike, lost it yesterday screaming that Hospice has been terrible with his care. They have been very wonderful. My brother Mark, has been in charge of his care. What he asks for he gets. If he does not ask they cannot push. It is a violation of his rights to do so. Mike believes he knows it all. I have been trained in this before my dad died and even with my (brain ill) it is the gift the Lord has provided. I am close as a sister in life to my brother Mark. I am much closer because I am his sister In Christ. A blessing beyond all blessings and mercy that can never be earned.
I am posting this on my blog. I know it is not important in the whole of what is going on in this world. I just know that what will come upon this earth is beyond anyone’s worst fears. How do I know? Jesus tells us in His own words in the Gospels and throughout the Old and New Testament. You just have to surrender and believe if you want that mercy. So can you?