I am feeling relief right now.

It’s been a long year. My brother passed at 3:38 to his King and Savior Jesus Christ.

He’s the blondie and I am next to him. Lord Jesus thank you.

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Wake up there are roses to smell in Heaven.

I just don’t know what to think anymore. All the horrible things going on in this world. People are incited to come against injustice. Yet we know that will lead to police states. We will end up in camps under arrest, control. I don’t seeing it too far in the future. Most people don’t even know there are detention centers all over prepared for this. It has been planned by those behind the scenes. What about those 15,000 Russian troops working with FEMA?  They won’t have a problem with us will they? Big everything, money, power, and the biggest evil, Satan, yes he is their ultimate leader, father, master. He planned it all, knowing he is already defeated. In any despicable way he wants to take your soul with him to hell. You have said it or heard over and over “I wish these Christians would stop preaching and go away.”‘ We won’t have time to warn you then or say see ya. You’ll be at the great white throne judgement (Revelation 20) and then we won’t see you anymore. Because after the worst coming upon this world, worse yet, you will suffer for eternity away from the God that loved and made you. He sent His Son, God incarnate, to live the only perfect life. He preached the kingdom and performed miracles. His apostles had the power to do some after He died. It was so those seeing and believing would tell us not seeing then believing. He sent His son to take our place for our sins. He died. Do you believe? Do you believe that He rose from the dead? Have you believed when you heard the gospel many, many times in your life? You will be without excuse for not believing.

I made a joke (so my family thought it was) that if they come with the red truck you will be gassed right away. If they come with the green one you’ll be gassed but you have some time. I know what I have read in many places, with all the signs in front of our faces, “Why don’t they see?” Most can’t. So we reach those that can and will see. I like my new label BPD, borderline personality disorder. I truly can relate to that one. It fits perfect. I am an outspoken In Christ Christian with a BPD thorn. I believe all of us have thorns. The matter is if your thorn will bring you broken to the cross of Christ and to the throne of God. You are not in charge. He is.

It took me most of my (vapor) life time here to be that broken clay pot. Remember, He is the Potter. I looked up and said I can’t do it anymore. He already knew it. Amen I believed. I trust. I follow. He leads. He is The Good Shepherd, My Savior, My King, My God, The I AM.

It’s been a while since I have felt like writing. God has been very busy everywhere. My brother’s twin does not want me there anymore. I am his sister. Sister to both the non-believing brother and believing (saved, born again) brother that has a few hours, a day maybe. I can’t be there. I am alone at my mother’s house. Because he can’t handle that God is working right next to him. He is angry. There is nothing he can do to stop his brother from pain or dying. He does not want to accept it. He wants to blame me or rant on me. Poor BPD me. That thorn sticks hard when you have all this going on.

I have been back since Friday alone. My aunt is wonderful to me. She was already here when I got here, my second comforter. I have had some pretty sad moments all in faith with the Lord. I have had joyous moments knowing my brother’s suffering for over a year is almost done. What made me write tonight is what my aunt said. My brother is sedated but, still is going through the motions of working at his job. He really loved what he did. I thank God he let him enjoy doing it from home until near this end. I cried visualizing  him working. I won’t be there when he dies. You see I had to move out-of-the-way. The closer it got the more I had to let my other brother exert his so-called power. He does not have any power. He will face that soon. I don’t know the after part. I only know that God knows it.

This year our church had a new mission. It’s called “Each one Reach one”. I pray that is the case.  Lord Jesus it is all for you, not for us.

In everything, God is there.

I just want to share with someone I was like glue with. These last four years have been the most trying time in my life. The loss has been insurmountable. I can look back now and say. The Lord has carried me through. He tells us in His word, when we surrender, that He will never give us more than we can endure.That when we are about to sin, He gives us a way out. I have in Him, peace in everything. It is not that I don’t remember or that the pain is gone. I have peace in this that you have always been a good father. It was best that I was taken out of the equation. No one then and no one now, except, my Aunt Sharon truly understands my illness. And that is okay on this earth. God does know everything about all of us. Our minds, our souls and every hair on our head. This time, with my brother dying has been another big trial for me. My illness has reared its head so many times. I accept what I am. I accept my thorn, my cross to bear. Because I have not bore it without Christ, my solace. I just wanted you to know that I am still who I am in your memory, the best I could be in the time before and after I was diagnosed.  

 
My brother is at the end and I choose not to see his body dead. I have all the laughs and joy and peace with his last year here. I know right now if someone is toxic for my illness, I run. I have always done that. It is a protection mechanism for me. I want nothing but, what I already have. Nothing material of his is important to me. What I have in my heart, mind and soul are enough. I cherish all I have had in this life. I am sorry there is nothing I can ever do to fix things with you and Nicole. It was broken and beyond repair when I got sick. Your life has been better without me. This I know because over here they have endured it all and it would never have ended for all of  you dealing with me either. I will always have my buttons. I will always blow at some point. I will always come out the other side ashamed of what I have done. I with the Lord’s help will never be consumed by it. I can choose to walk away to protect my sanity. I will survive here until the Lord comes for me. I have peace in that. While I am here I will continue with the work He has given me.
 
 
 
 
 
I asked my brother Mike to forgive me yesterday. He says he does but the proof is in that I have no texts keeping me up to date. I have texted my family with updates every day for the longest. I will hear nothing unless I call. I won’t because I don’t want to wake Mark. He wants the ringer on no matter. So we stay in touch by text. My mom will call me later after the nurse comes and goes. He is throwing up tar-like bile now. They are finding out if he is a candidate for a procedure that will allow the bile to be released in a bag. like a colostomy. Then he will choose to be put asleep until he goes. My brother Mike, lost it yesterday screaming that Hospice has been terrible with his care. They have been very wonderful. My brother Mark, has been in charge of his care. What he asks for he gets. If he does not ask they cannot push. It is a violation of his rights to do so. Mike believes he knows it all. I have been trained in this before my dad died and even with my (brain ill) it is the gift the Lord has provided. I am close as a sister in life to my brother Mark. I am much closer because I am his sister In Christ. A blessing beyond all blessings and mercy that can never be earned.
 
I am posting this on my blog. I know it is not important in the whole of what is going on in this world. I just know that what will come upon this earth is beyond anyone’s worst fears. How do I know? Jesus tells us in His own words in the Gospels and throughout the Old and New Testament. You just have to surrender and believe if you want that mercy. So can you?