I am having a very hard time getting over an incident with my brother and myself. I am hurt and I should be able to slough it off. In fact, I should have been able to slough it off and never let it happen. I know I am not perfect. None of us will be until be meet our Lord when He returns for us. I am in the ashamed stage now. I am praying about it, and it still I cannot release it. I have tried to get peace over it but, can’t yet. I just cannot go in detail for the Lord knows and my family.
How should it be when a Christian is dying? If they are angry and not wanting to leave this world, what does that mean? Could it be doubt of salvation, the pain of going through your disease? Any type of cancer, or disease is tremendous suffering unto death (which Christians understand is the body going to sleep and being present with the Lord). I met a another Christian gentleman last summer that was angry the Lord has not taken him. I knew another from my church. Near his death, I visited him in the hospital. He was at peace after a long battle with cancer also. When I was leaving he told me to shake his right hand, the one closest to his heart. My brother is going through a range of everything emotionally, anger being the biggest. He says he feels he has never learned how to pray. I reassure him that praying to the Lord is not a bunch of words. That it is him talking to the Lord in his own words. Giving Him the Glory and worship and awe. I have experienced much through my work for the Lord. I am not the person dying. It is my brother. Maybe I just need to forget right now my hospice knowledge. Maybe I am to close for comfort that way. He has said, why am I suffering so much? Why doesn’t the Lord, just take him? I tell him to think about Our Lord, Jesus and what He suffered.
God did curse us in many ways after the fall of Adam. This is to die, to toil, to suffer, to now not live as long as many did in the Old Testament after the flood. God predetermined everything. He is our sovereign God. He spoke through the prophets, telling us a Savior would be born, a High Priest from the order of Melchizedek, from the tribe of Judah. All previous priests were from the tribe of the Levites. Aaron and his descendants. (Genesis 14:18); (Psalm 110-4); (Hebrews 5-6; 5-10; 6-20; 7-1; 7-10; 7-11; 7-15; 7-17; 7-21)
My brother knows The Lord, His word, the bible. He has studied as I have since being born-again. On and off again he has doubted his salvation all along. Why wouldn’t we doubt we are unworthy sinners. He is God and chose vessels for His honor and vessels for dishonor. Who are we to question God? We cannot know everything about God’s purpose in this life. We can know the mind of Christ through His word. We know his promises and His words are true. God inspired the apostles and others to write down His words. The bible is God breathed, infallible. He is the same always. He never changes.
Anyway I have to go back Sunday to my brother’s. I left because I thought it was best for both of us. My mom and I will go separately on Sunday. We are who he has to be there for him. We have to keep our mouths shut no matter. He does not need or want our advice. If he does, he will ask for it. Why can’t I just learn that? It is because I care and love him. I want to help him, make his pain go away. I want to take his place. I can say right now, I look forward to leaving this world and being with the Lord eternally. I am not facing death right now. I do not know how my death will be. I do not know when it will be. I do not know if we are the generation that will meet the Lord in the sky and be with him always. I don’t know death until I face it myself. We do know what we need to know now through His word and that should suffice.
I am not looking forward to going back, nor my mom. We don’t want to be yelled at. It is very hard to just sit and say nothing. I pray with the Lord’s help, I will do that. To speak when spoken to only. I can’t see him liking that too much either. Lord let me count on the strength you have given me. I surrender to you to guide me through. I think I am afraid, that there will be no closeness like when my dad passed in 2012. My brother is not wanting to be coddled the same as my dad. It’s the masculinity thing, not wanting to be weak, but dying we all are. Our bodies are sick and being eaten away by cancer and other diseases when it’s our time. I have to face it headstrong in the Lord. I need to respect my brother’s wishes no matter the trial it brings.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him; And he shall guide your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
Psalm 18-2; Psalm 18-30
I trust you Lord. Help me with my untrusting.