I have been very wrong, I guess. I just don’t get it. My brother is dying as you know. Only the Lord knows when. He is getting more and more thin. He is comfortable. He wants to be drug free. It’s his choice. I don’t understand. As you get closer to the end you need to stay comfortable. The drugs are keeping the edge off. That is what it is about. The meds are not going to end or prolong his life.
How can I understand Lord? I can’t concentrate again. I tried to not get upset yet I did. I did keep my mouth shut and take two Klonopin. My other brother called and wanted to wait until Thursday to come because he thought he would be closing on his new place sooner than expected. My mom she planned on going home today. I told her that was fine, yet she made my brother call to change the closing. I don’t know? Update he was delayed now for his closing by the mortgage company. I am taking my mom home tomorrow. We had words this A.M. and I am staying out of her way. I let go how I feel. She has my aunt watering a plant. She has her neighbor walking to get the mail. My brother does her snow. She wants to be at her house. She does not want to inconvenience people when her son is dying. She just does not get it. To me it is like two weeks, I did my time, now it is his turn, my other brother. I will never leave him until the end. It has nothing to do with me. It is what the Lord wants from me.
Now my other brother, even as it has been decided, he wants to die here, offered for my brother to come to his house at the end. There goes my being with him as much as I want. He is going to rule and I won’t be able to see my dying brother as much as I want. I am keeping my mouth shut from now on. Let everyone make all the decisions for him. I asked him if he felt hurt about how people want it all convenient for them? Of course, he said yes. I asked my mom if she wanted to die in someone else’s house? I got no answer.
I guess it looks like I am the selfish one. He does not want people visiting him in his condition now anyway. I am his Christian sister. I won’t be able to be with him. I will get to visit when it is authorized. Please Lord God don’t let it turn out this way. The convenience belongs to my brother and no one else.
My brother wants him to come to their house, one hundred miles, one hour away to die. It is more convenient for them.
Anyway I got angry and my brother got angry and cussed me. My mom cried because I point-blank said what is more important your son or all these, your house and all the other things that are taken care of. Life goes on for them all. It is like a sacrifice to change your plans.
Anyway whatever he decides again. And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28-30)
It is already decided by His Sovereignty anyway.
So I will pray anyway and trust Him always. No more comments from me or getting upset. I was an unbeliever also. I never knew it all. I was a sinner and am still. I need lots of forgiveness because I am still sinning, everyday.
For by grace through faith are we saved, not of ourselves, for it is a gift of God. (Ephesians 2:8 ; 2 Timothy 1:9; John 1: 12, 13)