My heart is breaking for my brother. Even as we are brethren, I am having a hard time. He is in a lot of pain. Of course, it is only three days post op. I am having a hard time with getting him to understand that God is still with him. He said where is he? I am in so much pain. I said he is in your heart, for him to pray. I was holding his hand and he dropped it. He is again doubting he is saved. I told him again about all the Lord has done through him. It is gonna be a while or maybe not without pain. I have no answer. I am now with unbelievers who cannot understand me at all. My sister had to go back home to work.
I get upset with my mom who is eighty-one. She freaks and she is hard to keep calm. Then I am not calm. I just took a pill. I have such anxiety from the whole day. Lord, please Lord if it be your will, help me and my brother and family. Please, give me the words to say to my brother. There is no one else but, me right now. My Pastor does not live here. My brother never found a church here he felt preached your true word. We both cannot sit and hear false doctrines. We don’t like wishy-washy. We like firm and stern. Your true word is that. I got introduced to the chaplain there and he did not want her to come in. I am sorry but, I was glad she didn’t.
I just want to be a comfort to my brother. I am going to have to leave and come back. I don’t want to. I have to take mom home. Then my other brother will stay. It is going to be mostly on him until he can take care of himself. I would not be able to do that myself right now or when he first comes home.
What do you say to make it better? Are there any words? We were in a hotel for three nights. So maybe tonight I will cry and pour my heart out some more. Tomorrow mom is staying here at my brother’s house. It will be me and my other brother at the hospital. She has been here since New year’s day. It wasn’t really bad until the surgery. She needs a good break. I don’t want to leave here. I don’t want my brother dealing with it all either. So I am taking her home and coming back. She will be better help away than here and she will protest. Please, Lord, your will, will be done. I have only you to go to as I always know. In Christ’s name I pray.