Torn apart by mental illness for over three years.

Bipolar 1 disorder was a destructor of my life. I wish that when I first was diagnosed I would have had the right meds. I wish my husband could have tried harder to understand that it was me not in control. All I wanted was support and love from them. I did not want to be ignored like I was a piece of furniture. I really don’t think they intentionally did this. Though at times it was a joke to them. I knew then I could get well with the love of my family. If they had worked just a bit to understand the illness. My brother (who is dying) told me I was saved at that time. I cried out to the Lord to not have to live like this. I felt I would rather die. So suicide was the answer.

The Lord changed all that. I know how hard it is to deal with the mentally ill. I am bipolar 1 with P.T.S.D. and now I have the Lord who is my strength and solace. I never dreamed I would get such a beautiful message from my husband. It went straight to my heart that has never stopped loving him.

The Greatest Commandment!

In answer to a lawyer’s question after the Lord had silenced the Sadducees about the resurrection. (Matthew 22:23-34); (Mark 12:18-27); (Luke 20:27-40)

Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”

Jesus said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.  

This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:35-40); (Mark 12:28-34)

This was an email from my husband today.

Missing the girl who never forgot anything.

Dying before you are ready.

So the rushed retail days are over. They never kept me from fellowship with Christ, Our Lord. The more we pray and stay in the word the more we grow as children of God. I don’t begin to understand all He has in store for us. I do know I am His child forever. I look forward to seeing heaven as it is described in Revelation. There is no doubt it is a beautiful heaven and we will have no pain, or fear, or cry or die again.

I think of my brother who is dying. He was here at Christmas. He has lost thirty pounds. He is very ill. I have cried many times. What can I say but, that I am praying for God’s will for him. It is all God’s will and that’s the prayers He hears. According to His will my brother will go home to Him. My brother does not want to leave yet. It is not that he is afraid or that he has doubts about going to heaven. He is dealing with the flesh that wants to live longer. He wants to try some Italian doctor’s treatment.

I don’t think he could make a ten-hour flight. Go through all that and get back here. His twin brother will go with him, if he insists. He would rather have his current doctor here do the treatment. I would say if someone is dying, let them have the treatment they want.

He does not want chemo or radiation. Pills work less and less. He can’t eat any fat. We all have that flesh that wants to hang on here. I wish I could be with him all the time but, he does not want that. He says he will need us later, when he goes on hospice.

He told me that he wanted to live until his eighties but, he is fifty-eight. Losing a loved one is very hard. It has been like my dad (died in 2012 same cancer) a bit over again, because he gets angry. He said before, that being a Christian, why can’t he control the sin of anger? I say we all have sins that go out of control. I can’t control the hurt I instantly feel when people hurt me. I want to run and hide. I think his anger is a reaction opposite mine of sadness.

I really don’t have anyone to talk to. My husband is not a choice, my daughter probably never again, my sister lives away. I can’t talk to my mom about my beliefs. She does not want to hear it. She says can we please not talk about this. I have my beliefs and you have yours. It’s the same with my other brother. My church does not know what to do for me. My brother wanted to be baptized before he dies. He never found a church where he lives. He came to mine he says they teach the word. You must be a member to get baptized. I spoke to one of our past deacons and asked him if he thought it made a difference. He said no. Pastor says he will do his funeral service.

Yes, Lord sorrow runs deep here in this world. Take me to Your kingdom soon. Amen.

Look all around you, does it all just look great to you? Do you see things getting better? What planet do you live on. Everyday another suicide bomber, people killing each other. Even in Lebanon, Beirut now, all around the Middle East, more unrest. Who is next door to all these countries? God’s chosen people the Jews, Israel. He has not forgotten them. He will return for His church first, and then the vine we are grafted into.

So if you die before you are ready. You better have confessed Jesus as your Savior. He came to save us and He will have all the Father has given Him when he comes for us the second time.

Evil symbolism is all around you.

These are the prince of the air’s (satanic symbols) that are there to program you.

I give praise and honor to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

He saved me and I can see them and all satan’s work with those who have sold their souls for fame and, money, etc, which will perish with them.

Do not let yourself go down to the pit. Everyone will be held responsible for their choice. For you will serve one and hate the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.

I turned on my computer and opened aol. Google popped up with all their worship. The triangle represents the devil in satanism. Pop up the symbols of their worship. You will find all the others there too. All the top people controlling our world know and use these symbols. All secret societies use them.

Google says royal your heart out, race your heart out, slash your heart out, party your heart out, blur your heart out and play your heart out. All have triangles in every pic. I tried to open it again, hmm. Then I logged out and into my aol mail sign in and there it is.

Look around you and fear the only God, Jesus Christ, The Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Or you can continue to follow along and believe this is life and that is it. And poof you are in heaven. Just because you think you are good enough. No one is good enough. Only through God’s mercy on your soul and a true repentance of your sins will you see heaven. God knows all man’s hearts so there is no pretense. That is being born again as a child. A child that studies God’s Word and grows in faith with prayer and worship. Because He chose you. You are elect, in His kingdom, a people all His own.

Did you know that Constantine made Christmas the day of all pagan gods births? He added Jesus to the date and continued to worship his own gods. I really don’t believe Joseph and Mary traveled in the winter to Bethlehem.

Do a little research on your own. Don’t be lead down the wide path to destruction. Fear God and His wrath.

I am celebrating The Lord’s Mercy on me. What are you celebrating?

Ivar’s blog has truths that cannot be ignored.

Praying according to God’s will.

We know our prayers will not be heard unless we pray according to His will. How can we say to the Lord give me this or that? Is there really anything we need then for His church to grow? For Him to come back and end all this evil that is getting worse and worse? He knows what we need and provides it. He tells us in His word, that He will not lose one of those the Father has drawn to Him, Jesus Christ. (John 12:44-50); (John 6:35-40) Our Lord is sovereign. He is the Almighty, The I AM. He answers our prayer requests according to His will not ours. They just may not be answered in the way we request. A friend, a fellow Christian, yesterday let me cry in his arms over now knowing my brother’s cancer biopsy is for sure. The truth set in. People always say about the dying, they are going to a better place. I know my brother is.

If you do not know the Lord in your heart. You will not be going to a better place. I told my friend I did not want to go on without my brother. He said God has more plans for me. In my brokenness, I know that. I just need to get through the rest of this retail season. The next few weeks are full. My Christmas season is about the Lord and what He will do in the lives of all of us who belong to Him. I look forward to being His servant and surrendering to His will, not mine everyday for the rest of my time here. That does not mean no trials, no tears, no pain. My fear is what is meant to be for rejecters of Christ. Fear of the Lord and His wrath upon those who turn away from Him.

If you don’t love the Lord Jesus and follow Him everyday, you are following satan, the prince of the air. Satan’s plan has been from the beginning, to be god. The rich, the powerful, the celebrities, the secret societies, the false prophets, false preachers, follow him and are deceiving you to do the same. This world is not getting better. Turn to Jesus Christ, He is right there for you. Don’t reject Him. He will send you to hell. He has the keys to Hades and of Death.

I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen. And I have the keys of Hades and of Death. (Revelation 1:18) And he who does not take up his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it. (Matthew 10:38-39)

The only way is repentance and taking up your cross and following Jesus Christ. Pray and read your bible and you will understand. You need a new heart, you need to be made a new creature in Christ Jesus. You must be born again to see the kingdom of God. (John 3:3) You receive His Holy Spirit to guide you and live through you. A spiritually transformation done only by the Lord Jesus, The Father and the Holy Spirit.

Without repentance you are locked forever in the lake of fire with His keys of Hades and Death with satan and his demons, all the followers of satan and you… He told you so.

Everything Has Its Time.

To everything there is a
A  time for every
purpose under

A time to be born,
And a time to die;

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

We were pretty sure of my brother’s diagnosis. Now we need to go to a cancer doctor. The next step is to see if he is a candidate for the whipple surgical procedure. The doctor that did his endoscopy did not sound as if it was promising.

My prayer for my brother is that he has peace. He is questioning why he has to die in such pain. He has been very ill since September. There was no warning. It was just there, the pain. So pray for him to have strength and trust in the Lord no matter what happens. He is doubting that he has done enough to be worthy. None of us are worthy to be with the Lord. Only through Our Lord Jesus Christ, are our sins washed away by His blood on the cross, His death and His resurrection. God’s grace through faith that calls His people to Him to be born again, saved. (John 3:3) Most Assuredly, “I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.”

We don’ t know anything about the Lord’s will for our deaths. My dad died in March 2012 of the same cancer. So many doctors are now believing it is hereditary. Pray for all Christians persecuted, dying, for strength and perseverance. And we pray for unbelievers that the Lord has mercy on their souls. That they turn to Him because they are broken and weak and nothing of themselves can save them. No good works, nothing. Only with God is it possible.

We as Christians know it is absent from the body and present with the Lord.

So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. For we walk by faith, not by sight. We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord. (2 Corinthians 5:6-8); (2 Corinthians Chapter 5) 

We know that it is appointed once to die. There will be no second death for us.
Fear the Lord and His wrath now.

And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. (Revelation 20-14:15)

We have that peace that we will be in heaven with the Lord, no matter. Still knowing you are dying is not easy, even as a Christian.

Don’t scoff, because that day will come and you will meet your Creator. You can meet Him in peace and love, repent your sins, and take up your cross and follow Him, or face His wrath.

The Sixth Seal:  Cosmic Disturbances (Revelation 6:12-17)

And the kings of the earth, the great men, the commanders , the mighty men, every slave and every free man, hid themselves in the caves and in the rocks of the mountains, and said to the mountains and rocks, “Fall on us and hide us from the face of Him who sits on the throne and from the wrath of the Lamb! For the great day of His wrath has come, and who is able to stand?” (Revelation 6:16-17) This just a little bit of what will be faced.

All Things made New (Revelation 22:1-27)

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.  (Revelation 21:4)

The River of Life (Revelation 22:1-20)

He who testifies to these things says, “Surely I am coming quickly.”
Amen. even so, come, Lord Jesus!
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen. (Revelation 22:20-21)

Oops, I forgot my meds.

I had no idea that I forgot. I was nonstop checking people out. I was feeling up if you know what that means. We have been very busy. I was worried I voiced something over the store speaker, not thinking, we have walkies.

My boss told me to chill out. That’s when I knew. I tried to read a few pages in my Jesus Calling devotional at lunch but, it was hard to concentrate. Well the Lord knows what happened anyway.

I am telling all of you with bipolar/P.T.S.D. don’t ever forget. I am glad it did not go further. I was in a race, up but, not in a good way. I always carry extra pills in case I forget.

Well my brother’s endoscopy was postponed until this Friday the 13th from December the 6th. The Lord provides I will be there. I did not want one of my co-employees having to work a 12 hour shift but she insisted, family was more important. One of my bosses gave me Saturday off, unheard of this time of year. I know the Lord heard my prayers and I thank Him with all I have.

Please pray for the Lord’s will in this. My brother has chronic pancreatitis and entropy of his gallbladder and pancreas. I believe this new endoscopy will give us the answers we have been trying to be patient for.

This is an email from my Pastor to him for encouragement. I am so blessed having him as my church leader under God.


Cheryl shared with me last night at our Christmas banquet, that the last little bit has been really difficult for you and that you’ve really been down. I just wanted to drop you a quick note and let you know that we are thinking of you and praying for you brother.  I am praying tonight that God would give you sufficient grace for this time, so that your heart might rejoice in His goodness despite your physical struggles. Hang in there and know that you have a church family in Bay City upholding you before the throne of Grace.

My brother was feeling pretty down. His thoughts are he did not expect to be gone from here this young. He is so miserably ill and doesn’t want to live like this. He wrote me as follows:

Please don’t be upset with me, I know you just want to help me and I do appreciate that.  I can only assure you that I will do what is necessary to try to find out what is wrong with me. I’m just not a very happy camper at the moment.  This illness is very frustrating and seems to be getting worse and there just are no answers. I sorry if it seems I’m being mean, I don’t want to be.  I just wish God would heal me or kill me and get it over with but I guess those endure to the end no matter what are the good and faithful servants.

Join me in prayer for all Christians suffering many atrocities around the world, for the ill, for our missionaries, churches. The children of God who know the truth. Pray for those that don’t. That there is no way to heaven unless God grants you grace through faith and you believe and repent your sins. For Jesus Christ, died on the cross, arose and ascended to the Father, so we could be forgiven. That means He does not remember yours sins any longer. We are new creatures in Christ and cannot go back to our old way of evil living. If you do not have this spiritual transformed life and devotion to Christ, you better strive to enter that narrow gate. Because few will find it. (Matthew 7:13,14). After hearing the story of the rich young ruler (Matthew 19:16-23)  The disciples said:  Who than can be saved?” Jesus said; “With men this is impossible but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:25,26)

Be ready for his return, for no one knows the date or time. Watch!

Parable of the Fig tree (Matthew 24:32-35)

Thank you all for prayers. God bless you all! Have a Merry Christmas about Christ not santa.


The bible is foolishness to those who are perishing.

Sadly my family has stopped reading my blog. I may have done what I wanted instead of what my Lord had in mind. I just wanted to know if anything in the bible made sense to them.

For the message of God is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:

“I will destroy the wisdom
of the wise,
And bring to nothing the
understanding of the prudent.”

1 Corinthians 1:18-19

Glory only in the Lord

For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put shame on the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence. But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God–and righteousness and sanctification and redemption–that, as it is written, “He who glories, let him glory in the Lord.”

So my prayers have changed recently not to Lord please convert my loved ones and others. They don’t deserve it as none of us do, to have the gift of eternal life you have given them. Your sacrifice on the cross, your death, and resurrection covered our sins. We must truly repent and ask for forgiveness. Until then we have nothing.

For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us, that he might redeem us from every lawless deed and purify for Himself His own special people zealous for good works. (Titus 2:11-15)

Are you of His people? Do you know Jesus Christ as your personal Savior? Are you an adopted son or daughter?

As He says also in Hosea :

“I will call them My
people, who were not
My people,
And her beloved, who
was not beloved.
And it shall come to
pass in the place where
it was said to them,

‘You are not My people,’
There they shall be called
sons of the living God.”

I believe God. I believe He reveals us to the wise and foolish in many ways. I believe ungodly people sense His love in us and reject us as they rejected Him. We don’t even have to say a word. They hate the light and prefer the darkness.

All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was the life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it. (John 1:3-5)

And the darkness still does not comprehend it. So it is to the life or to the darkness. I have been chosen for life, by nothing of myself. So where are you to be drawn to Jesus Christ, the life and the light, by God the Father? You cannot know one without the other. If you love the world you do not belong to God. (1 John 2:15)

I survived the Test.

I wrote my resignation. The store manager was the only one around. So I gave it to her.  She was shocked. She did tell me I was a good employee and she wanted to know what was going on. I told her all. She said no one deserved to be bullied at work. She said this girl who has been there years, is an employee just like me. So she is being talked to by my other manager. She says she will deal with her so it doesn’t come back on me. I hope not I don’t want aftershocks.

I have prayed for this P.T.S.D. to leave me but, I have to deal with it. It never comes into play, only when someone bullies me. As I have said my whole life has been spent being bullied and in the abuse zone. I am not pitying myself. It is what it is. I am what the Lord has made me and I am still so thankful and have joy and peace knowing I will see Him soon. The sooner the better. I have to explain that is not anger with me when it happens. It is a deeply shameful reaction that customers see and hear someone say to me.  I feel that is so so wrong. I should be able to turn the other cheek. I try really hard. It comes so quickly to the surface I have no time to shut it out.

I know He wants me to stay there for now. I do love the work. I know after Christmas I will have few hours and that is my goal. I want to be free to do His work and have the little money I need to do it.

Lord I am so sorry I didn’t just lay this out to you. I was just so a mess I did not know what to do. Please forgive me.

Trust in the Lord with
all your heart,
And lean not on your
own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5)

Testing, testing, testing, gone…

I am sure by now everyone knows I have mental issues. I am a God-fearing woman, His choice. I can take customer’s problems or outright ugliness from them. I do a very good job where I am at. I am a team player and expect the same from others.

I have talked to my boss about this and she said it should not be happening. I always straighten when ever the time is available. I always watch for customers at the checkout while I am doing that. We all know how we as Christians treat others with kindness always.

This is the fourth or so incident with an employee embarrassing me in front of a customer. I was folding tee shirts someone took out of the package. I went to put jeans up and was coming back. Then I hear myself being paged overhead. So I go back to the checkout. The person says to me what is this, in front of the customer. She knew what it was. She could have put it aside and when I got back I would fix it. Anyway I nicely confronted her afterward and asked her not to correct me in front of people. She said I was snotty to her. I was not. I said if I seemed upset it was in response to her treating me wrongly. She is not a manager.

This is a very busy time of year and we need to be extra supportive of each other. I told this girl, we had a discussion already about this with the manager. She said oh really. Anyway I am sure she will tell on me. I don’t care. I did nothing wrong. I have P.T.S.D. When someone attacks my person, it’s boom, I am hurt. I don’t get over it easy either. I am glad it was the end of the day.

If it’s about the Lord, or being busy working, no problem. I am giving my notice tomorrow. It will be my last day, no two weeks notice. It will be on the spot. I will work my shift tomorrow and and it’s over. I would rather give blood plasma and work for the Lord anyway. This job has took me away from my volunteer work. I guess I have to realize I am never going to control P.T.S.D. I have been bullied all my life and I just don’t need to take it from another person and I can walk away. If I am at a job I can’t. If it was taking the sword for Jesus, I am ready. I am ready everyday.

I love you Lord, with all my soul, my heart, my mind and strength. I just am weak in this point. I have tried very hard but, every job ends the same way.