I am wondering if what I have is really psycho babble. I am wondering why I have these two illnesses. I want to say that the Lord is my rock and that I trust Him on all. I heard someone preaching and saying things like we bury that old self. That we don’t need to go there digging all that stuff out. I kinda disagree, because it is still part of me and my testimony. I did dig and it helped to forgive things. I still have those mental parts, I call my sinful nature. No matter how much I don’t want them they are there. If I stopped taking the pills I don’t think I would be trusting God. I know how I feel with them and how I did when I wasn’t on the right ones. Yet when things get in my face, my illnesses come out. Over the last few months, I have had several bouts, and then I am better. I feel like I should be able to handle more rejections and trials by now.
I look at the other side and when I am busy working for the Lord I feel less stressed, joyful. It’s a whopper of a truth, Lord I need help with rejection. It takes a few things happening, disappointments, people not listening to me, people just being unfeeling in their questions. I am like where can I go without facing questions why are you here. I am here because I visit people and know people. I have a badge that says I can. Anyway, just saying people have no idea of how they treat others. It is truly a sin. I was like that not knowing the Lord. I would get angry when someone got in my face. Now it just catches me off guard. Then later it hurts.
Not to mention, Pastor’s sermon was about mothers. I held my own. I did not stand up with the others. I did not cry until late in the evening. I did get a Happy Mother’s Day from my daughter in Lebanon and my son called. I told him I was not a good mom, and he said never mind you’re doing better now. That’s him now belonging to the Lord also.
I guess what I am saying is I am reading the Word, praying, being faithful to the Lord’s will. I just have to wait it out to see where the Lord is taking me.
In all that is, He is beside me and His Holy Spirit dwells within me. That is a certainty for me, because I am changed but, not all the way yet. I just have to remember. One day is like a thousand years to God. Our days slip by in a moment. Tomorrow is coming. I’ll be here still or with Him. I think that every day.
Amen. Lord Jesus, come quickly!