I fell apart today. It’s all about rejection. I have a very hard time with this. Some are based on my being a born again Christian. I witnessed as I said earlier this week. My friend, co-volunteer has rejected me (Jesus) because I told her not only is God, a God of loving-kindness, but also a God of wrath. I also invited two neighbors to our Mother’s day banquet at church. One saw me come out of my house when she was getting her mail and actually ran to the house. Her daughter went once to the youth group. I know now she won’t be returning. I know God chooses who He will and I know I am doing what a disciple should do. I know prayer is what I need to toughen up but so far I believe these mental illnesses are always triggered one way or another. The Lord has a plan for me and I guess I just have to deal with the crying times. I do feel much stronger than two years ago. I guess it is the back tracks that hurt the most. I just know in my heart, He loves me. I wanted a job back and found out someone else got it. That’s when I cried uncontrollably.
My friend told me I just have wait for God’s direction for me. I have been applying for jobs all along and usually don’t even get an interview. I am with His, the Lord’s purpose everyday. I read, listen to sermons. I lost the previous job because of a break down. So I understand why they don’t want me. If I work in that field I have that on my record. I feel fine when I can do what the Lord’s has purposed for me. I would rather just do that. I need to do yard work I have over 20 years experience. Really I think that is the answer.
And then there is no contact from my daughter. I try not to think about it. How do you forget you have a child in the Middle East boiling pot? I can’t but I know the Lord will work it out His way. I feel better just writing it down. Don’t feel sorry for me, I am just sharing my rejections and some persecutions. I took a friend to the grocery and we were joking about ten bucks I owed him. I told him I wouldn’t give him a ride home if he didn’t take it. A man eavesdropping said I’ll give you a ride home. I told him I was only kidding. He said it did not sound like it. More water works. I did confront him and tell him he hurt my feelings. Did he care no?
The good cry did a great job and I feel better. Today is behind me and tomorrow will take care of itself. I have leads for a couple of jobs on Monday.
Thank you Lord for all you do to bring me through and help me to be stronger…