It’s a trial and error sort of thing for me. I know God is not going to just drop in my lap what he wants me to do. I do know that one part of his passion and love for me is being fulfilled. I can’t stay in the blame game for myself to why things happen the way they do. I can only move forward with what this day will bring. I trust him. I wish I still had the job I had. I could have still had it. I just could not take the presumptions about me from others (unbelievers) I should have been able to stand fast take my lumps and continue because I loved what I did. I just really believe that people can truly misinterpret and will hurt you and they don’t even know you. They judge. They don’t know I have P.T.S.D and bipolar1. If they had I hope they would have backed off. All I was trying to do was calm my girly girly as I always can and have. Instead because of the shame I quit. The shame of it all on my record for a year.
All I know is that his hand is holding mine. He feels my pain. His pain and suffering I can never even come close to. He died for us sinful lost people. He chose who he wanted to know him personally and through him we know the Father, (Abba). How comforting that is? His Holy Spirit is in me. It is okay for me to still break and cry and feel lost. After all the trials we go through make us cling to him all the more.
Today is a new day. I just finished my group therapy. It always helps. I believe this form of therapy is the best for me. I complained (grumbled) a while back about it. I do need it. It is other beautiful ladies with their own trying times us helping each other.
I do have a job interview today for part-time position. I realized with my illness I can’t work full-time. Besides it takes away from my volunteer work. I will not have that happen. So the Lord as always has me lean on him. He is sovereign over my life in all this life here and forever.
I am A born again creature in Jesus Christ, growing in his spirit daily.
Trust him, he is always there. Through the bad and good. I know it, you know but, sometimes we want to get lost in the pain AGAIN.
I am having a very tough time now with my illness. I thought I was having a relapse and needed to be hospitalized. I tried to get to my therapist and she was out. I was crying and could not stop. I called my brother and he got me help. It took about and hour and was determined I had deep sadness and let it out. I have had several setbacks with my job and my family. I know I can’t have my family back but, I keep that hope alive in my heart. I know with the Lord anything is possible. So those tears came out in sheets ripped out of my broken heart. I think working too much, even though I loved the work, finally overwhelmed me. It was copacetic for me and was derailed thanks to my illness. I have to again take it slow and find something different the Lord has for me. I tried to concentrate on scripture and sermons yesterday. My mind just kept having racing thoughts, the what ifs, could it have been done in this way? Why didn’t I go back to my family even though I know it would not have worked? Why does a daughter, mother relationship have to end? Why can’t people help us cope too? Don’t they know that the mentally ill sometimes slip more than others? If they even think about that. I think about the healing miracles of the Lord in the Bible. Do I have one of those demons inside me? People say no that a child of Christ cannot. I just think I am being tormented with what he can use on me that old devil of old. My Lord is helping with might. I just hold that verse in Revelations 21:4, near my heart. No more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for all the former things have passed away. True and perfect promise from Our God Almighty.
My brother said we have had a hard year. Our dad died, job stuff, family estrangement, a big pileup upon me. I was listening to comforting Christian music, the words soothed me. I have been crocheting again to help. My mom made me promise to come to her if I feel that down. She says I help her she’ll help me, good combo. My brother said he would talk to me when I need it. God Bless him for being there. His wife is in the hospital with a kidney stone, severe pain, and they can’t get her a-fib to stabilize. All this and he took time for me. I felt guilty, my crash at a bad time for them. Well I have to see the crisis counselor today, same one from 2010. I made my mind up I won’t be back on Medicaid. I have good care where I go weekly to group. There is such a stigma about mental illness, but degeneration has produced what is. Man’s fall from obedience to the Lord and a few will find their way back. Matthew 7:13-14. I am in that few, that I can be sure of. I am striving as the Holy Spirit leads me, our helper. Never mind being a doubter too at times. I know it happens to us all. Anyway if I talk too much about me, this is my journal to stability. I don’t want pity. I want prayer for we must pray for and support our brothers and sisters in Christ around the world and those that don’t know him and are deceived. Anyway my personal thoughts for the start of just today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. I need to hold unto that. All that is going on in this awful world and I am just one little pea out of the pod that does not want to be here or belong here…We long for the Day of The Lord.
My Pastor knows my afflictions with mental illness. He was preaching on meditating on these things. Whatever things are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, are of good report, if there is anything of virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy–meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me do, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9. Peace be with you and me brothers and sisters.
I realized way to late I was having a post traumatic stress attack. I was rightly accused of a rights violation. I walked in to pick up a resident. I tried to calm her down like I have before. This time the audience was too much for me. I felt like I was a demon. Only because I have experienced it before did I know after what had happened. I cried, I missed my exits. I had another resident crying.
The next Monday I was told I would be reprimanded and not fired with one day’s suspension. It would remain in my record a year. I decided to terminate. How can I ever be sure it won’t happen again? How can I even with my Lord know what is in my future with my illness? This will always be in my mind as I would continue to work there. We bipolar suffer from racing thoughts, highs and lows, (mania and depression). Post traumatic stress disorder is a disorder I can’t control. If I feel attacked it is an automatic reaction. Everyone knowing also, better for a sick person like me to be gone. Well I can’t be perfect with my mental illness. I feel like curling up in a ball eternally. Someone told my boss that if one of her employees did this they would be fired on the spot. That was my reason for it. I would fire me on the spot too. They mentioned all the pluses of me, my loving heart and care. I guess I will have to see what else is out there for me. I know I can’t work full-time it was just too much even though I will miss the wonderful ladies I took care of. I had asked to be have my hours reduced but my manager said it could not be done. This was after another very stressful time of people complaining about a new assistant manager. I wanted to quit then. I should have. After all of it they said I could go back to part-time. I had picked up hours since another employee had been hurt on the job. I really thought I could do it. I was working with one day off during the week and every other weekend off. I still look at it as working for the Lord. He will have to send me somewhere else he knows I can handle. I spent three days in bed thinking of ending it again. He didn’t let me.
I have to admit, I before being saved live a depraved life. I had lots of heartache and now I know it was my called way to the Lord. Many of us follow for a while and then things of this evil world come in and take our focus away from Him, The Lord. I did that at twenty-three. He did not let me fully see then and I went away to more depravity. I am blessed to have been chosen, for some turn away and become hardened forever.
It’s like Simon Peter when he answered Jesus, “Do you also want to go away?” “Lord to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. Also we have come to know that you are the Christ , the Son of the living God.” John 6:67-69
I can no longer live that life. I tried for years to no avail on my own merits, which are none. I wanted to be someone who people just loved. Throughout my life I did have those times but, they all turned to dirt eventually. My heart was finally broken and now I am free. I am free to live one day at a time serving Our Lord. It is not the way we do it but His Way for us. Yes, I have deep hurts that won’t be gone until I see His Face. I know He Loves me beyond all I know and that suffices me until I see Him. I am but a vessel that He Chose for His Glory. We are either vessels for His Glory or vessels for destruction. Pray you are one for His Glory. Amen!