I find myself in dilemas daily.

I don’t know all the answers for me. My guess is my triggers are being pushed. I am touchy. I don’t like this feeling. I finally prayed for a control from the Lord. I know he could heal me. If not he can always make me deal better. I am still upset with going to therapy again. It is giving me anxiety. I guess now I do need it. I am told by my therapist that I need to be able to set limits. She says my mom is replacing my dad with me. I do try not to feel bossed around. I do try to do the Lord’s work as much as possible. I do it everyday with joy in my heart. The therapist asked me if I am doing anything wrong. The answer is no. She says I need this structure in my life. She says I cannot conform to what my mom wants of me. It is her way of control. Mom wants what she wants now. I wasn’t there right on time to take bags of mulch out of the van. She called me and hung up on me and went and did it with a frozen shoulder, torn rotator cup. By the time I got home ten minutes later, it was done. She was angry and said she did not want to talk to me. I said ok I will just leave. Then she said I am not taking the car. I threw the keys in the driveway and went back over to my volunteering. I wasn’t angry, just miffed. When I came home my brother was here, calming the situation because I called him. He said we have to work it out. Well she apologised but, it keeps happening. Everyone in my life wants to change me to their way sooner or later. I cut the lettuce today. Why do I not use the outside instead of cutting it? I don’t know. It is my way. Don’t put pineapple rinds down the disposal. I know that. I don’t put anything down there. I told her I was feeling the bipolar today. Please let up. She has seen me reactionary. My therapist says I have to keep myself well. I can’t just sit and do what everyone wants. I need structure. It keeps me stable. I know the Lord has me here for a reason. My family says it’s my duty. They come on holidays or when they feel like it. I have two brothers and one sister. I want them to step up too. All I get is I am here she has me. Well, just come and take her out. It is true one lives five hours away. She is taking a vacation with friends and won’t be here until July. Yes, she has a demanding  job. One day she yelled at me and said I have it easy. I said you want to be bipolar? This is not easy. My life has not been easy. My testimony says all that.. The Lord saved me at fifty-four. I was a seed that took root with joy and withered away in the eighties. Now he is my Savior.  My one brother comes the most. He is there for me and her. He does have a demanding  job in the behavior health industry. So he knows my disorders very well. He completely understands. So I have to find a happy medium for all things. He has his in-laws approaching the dying time also. My dad died March 16. My other brother also has a demanding  job. He lives one hour away. He says it is God’s plan for me too. Okay but, not alone. My mom has needs, I get it. She should be all our priorities, even if she says they have their own lives. I have mine too and a right to it. I do live here. I cut the grass. I do all I can. I will be more company for her. I did finally say to her. Are you lonely when I am gone? Yes, was the answer. So Lord, I am a servant with your love and compassion. For all those that I can be. I guess I have to find the happy medium. So you show me. You take me where I need to be. You are my control. I give it to you. I am but a sinner and I am useless without you. You are loved by me with all my heart, soul and strength. I trust you to keep me on that even keel. I have to take my meds. I am not healed of this, bipolar 1 and P.T.S.D. I feel it. It’s there. Lord you are my strength in all. Any advice or comments are welcomed. Prayer is needed. I haven’t felt these real reeling swings so much as this last month. I need calm. I need the Lord to change me not this world. It is no good. It is not where I belong.

Amen! Lord Jesus, you are all I need to be safe and sound, sane.

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