A letter from my heart to yours, daughter.

I have no idea how you are? I have a bit of knowledge of school that is it. I know we used to share many things. To bad I had to get sick and ruin it all. I am just hoping someday you will forgive me that I have a mental illness? I don’t begin to know what I was like when I wasn’t me. All I know is with all the wrong meds and the wrong way it was given to me, I couldn’t control everything. I told your dad I had some setbacks recently with your grandpa dying. I also had a few confrontational moments with family. Yes, I am sensitive, as always. When grandpa was dying, I did my best not to get into it with him. He was pretty mean at times. I don’t think it was just that he was dying. I know he always had issues and did not like trivial talk. So we did not talk much with him or in front of him. It was just the way he liked it. We seemed to irritate him no matter. I can understand now. I think he was bipolar also. His mom had issues. I am now with mom and I see how she doesn’t listen to me at times. She is the way she is too. What can I do? Pray and live with it? Love her, take care of as much as I can. She is so worried about getting Alzheimer’s and really we all have signs of forgetting things past or even present at times. You walk in a room forget why you are there. I have been there did it many times.

I would like to say I truly appreciated your eulogy written for your grandpa. It was very important to me that it was read. I plan on sending you a keepsake of his obituary. You and your brother were his grandchildren. Even though your brother is a step-grandchild, he was loved as a natural one and is. It is very hard sometimes to realize my dad, your grandpa is gone.

I am praying that your dad takes care of himself with his kidney failure. He can’t be cheating on foods or drinking too much liquids. It will only cause him more trouble. He has to follow his diet and stick with it. If he doesn’t you will be there all alone taking care of your brother, grandmother and grandfather. I think that is a little much for anyone to handle. I hope it doesn’t happen but, we do not know what tomorrow will bring. God only knows. Your dad asked me about your passport renewal. I am thinking, who would she want to see here? Are you thinking of going to Texas? As far as I know you haven’t stayed in touch with your old best friend there. Your dad said he wanted me to sign something to get it renewed just in case? I really don’t want to waste years if we have them and all of sudden you contact me. It won’t be good for either one of us. We will be so far apart, not that I won’t always love and do love you. Separation and no conversation will keep us strangers. I don’t want to feel awkward with my only daughter. I always have cherished you as a beautiful gift from God. I don’t begin to understand the why of this estrangement. I only know in my heart of hearts, I never wanted to leave. I just was so hurt with the way your dad could and did not want to deal with my illness. I know that he said he didn’t know why he was treating me the way he was. I know he denies that he couldn’t stand me sick, it doesn’t matter. He as I could view it was frustrated and didn’t want a sick wife. I could not be unbipolar, but I could have been better with all your help. I am now and have been after the initial shock of knowing I could not go back. I had to recover from what I went through. How could I go back to the same situation? He didn’t change anything, his opinion of me or how to help me. He said he would not walk on eggshells for anyone. I should be able to just take everything in stride. Everyone could speak about me, make decisions about me and even sane, I don’t know Arabic. It is a shame that it all had to come to this. I do however think of you every day of my life and will always. 

A friend of mine told me I should use my site to write letters to you from time to time. You can know that it is not easy for me because I do miss you every minute. I never wanted to not be your mother. I know you have moved on. Your dad said you have no mother-like figure anymore. He said you had to grow up fast, since I left. I did not want to have this happen. I won’t wish away anything that happened though. It would mean not ever having you in my life. So as it is, it is. Maybe someday with the Lord’s help, you will forgive me. I look forward, trusting in him that will come to be. Anyway, first letter on my blog. You said before you look at it once in a while. So it’s here for you from my heart. I love you mom.

2 thoughts on “A letter from my heart to yours, daughter.

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