Ten to four and I didn’t lose.

Things I can’t control

  1. How much the Lord loves me and 
  2. How much I love him and others and
  3. The gifts he has given me and
  4. The trials I go through as a born again Christian and
  5. Where he has me living my life and
  6. The brokenness of my relationship with my daughter and husband and family I had to leave and
  7. The reason I had to leave, mental illness and their ability to not be able to deal with it or to give more support and assist me in stability, not wanting to walk on eggshells to cater to my illness and
  8. What other people think of me as a Christian and being part of a peculiar people and
  9. My constant joy in knowing I will see My Lord Jesus in heaven
  10. Who hears the Word of the Lord and who doesn’t

Things I can control with the Lord’s help

  1. The church I attend and hearing the whole truth and
  2. Who I choose as friends (Christians) into my closer space and
  3. How I react when people trigger my disorders and
  4. Where I work and freely give my love

The hardest thing to control is the want to fix something. I can’t do it anymore. Every time I do I get hurt again. It is hard to say out of sight out of mind. It does not happen. Some days are better than others. No one wants anything from me unless it is to benefit them. I guess silence is golden to them. Just go on with your lives like you never knew me. I am told that I don’t know anyone anymore. After nineteen years you would think you did. After raising my daughter and loving her, doing the best I could for her always. She is now fifteen. When I was very sick I reacted to her saying she hated me the way I was (bipolar). I did swear at her in reaction to it and I did treat her badly with words. Then she took over and I was done in. So I will always be the bad guy and that is okay. Jesus did not come to bring peace on earth. He came to set a man against his father, daughter against mother, and a daughter in-law against mother-in-law, read on. Matthew 10:34-36 It even happened before I was born again. So now it is even more so. Who do I love more? My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

My daughter

I remember you when you were growing in my womb. 

I remember finding out you were a girl and your dad was angry.

I remember you when I took you home and the car seat dwarfed you.

I remember you in those cute little white tights with the ruffle at six months old.

I remember when pink was my favorite color on you.

I remember how fast you grew out of those cute clothes.

I remember how your brother used to yell she is stealing from me. You loved his hot wheels. We had to get you your own.

I remember how beautiful you were growing up and still are since I have a picture.

I remember how I was a stay at home mom until you were ten.

I remember protecting you many times from bullies.

I remember the last time cost me you and my health at the time.

I remember that all things work together for good to those who love God. Romans 8:28-30


2 thoughts on “Ten to four and I didn’t lose.

  1. I’m sorry you life has been difficult. Your on a healthy path on how to think about it and I’m glad for you. Keep up the hard work. You are worth it!

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