I have things to do today but, I plan on writing down my thoughts later today. As you know I am a person that does have bipolar1 disorder and Post traumatic Stress disorder. Hey, I was doing fine and this is what the great system did. This is not to blame anyone. This is a cry out for change in the way people in recovery, trying to go on with their lives are sent back into the therapy and psychiatric part both, so they can keep their insurance. I need it for my meds. I needed it in case I needed to go back into therapy. I only used it when I was seeing my regular medical doctor. She is a resident with I say a superior gift in her care of her patients. She felt that my disorders needed to be watched more closely. She felt that it was best I saw a psychiatrist to prescribe my meds. She even went as far as checking on me to be sure I had gotten an appointment to go back to one.
So here is my deal. Yes, I have had some episodes since I got out of therapy in September 2011. Believe me, the Lord and I worked hard to get where I am. I was in crisis and by March 2011, I was getting in pretty good shape. I had a lot to deal with. I had to come back here from Lebanon and learn to live all over again. It was hard even when the Lord came into my life, but that was the main key, saving power that changed everything. I kept trying to fix my relationship on my own with my family abroad. Well I finally had to give all the whole burden. So I did. I very much moved on with my life here.
I found out my dad had cancer in April 2011. We knew something was really wrong. He had lost a lot of weight since September 2010 before I came here. So in all that was in my life there were a few bipolar moments after that. My dad and I clashed a bit. He was very moody and sharp with my mom. I don’t think he was deliberately. I think the bipolar mess passed from his mother to him and down from me, to my son. I suspect one day my daughter will have it too. Then my mom on her side of the family had issues also. Her dad was very abusive, both physically and mentally. So what is in the box for the rest of us. Mental illnesses of some sort. You hear more and more today. They used to institutionalize us years ago. Remember Willowbrook, you name it people were put there and other places like it. It was taboo back then. It was just a pile up of bodies, no real help. Naked people, dirty, most with Hep B, unwanted, unloved. Well I am proud of how they let people like us have as normal a life as possible, now. Physical, mental, developmental disabilities are no longer (at least to many of us a stigma). You can’t just ignore these problems. People now are having troubles with just plain being in this rotten world.
Anyway that was a little background on me. I found things to do. One was volunteering. That was a good step back into this life I have to lead here. It was something I could do for the Lord through me for others. I also went through training and have a part-time job. Problem is while I was training I made too much money. I told them it was temporary, oh well food stamp cut, don’t care, like in half. I am only working eighty-four hours monthly, making approximately $600 a month. Can you work and get full insurance benefits? Can you purchase them yourself for that and have money left. I checked at least $140 a month for a bad insurance. No therapy coverage at all. So I guess I should just stay sick and pilfer them, right. I can’t do that. I tried hard to just get my meds. It was an error to be released from a psychiatrist in September 2011. I just needed maintenance meds. Well you can’t have that unless you lose your Medicaid. You must have a psychiatrist and be in therapy. So as my dad was dying, I had to fill out new papers and have them turned in by hello, the day he died. I had been up all night dropping morphine in his mouth to make sure he did not wake. The reason he still wanted to get up. He struggled still not to die. I called many times to get it extended. I actually turned the papers in (part of them that day, I was a mess). So finally that following Tuesday, the day of the funeral. My DHS worker called and said, “Do you need more time?” I said no not now. Where was that offer before? Maybe people have lied about family dying, could be I guess. So before he died I was back in the system, rehashing all my life and the things I had gone through. Not once but twice. On the phone for a referral, then the week of my dad’s death, I started with a therapist, talking all of it again. I was fine before. I just wanted my meds maintained and access to a M.D whatever, if I needed it. So every trigger you try to avoid goes off. I have had several bipolar episodes now. I was again having thoughts of ending it (satan would love that). I would not attempt to do that again. I have to be re-evaluated by a psychiatrist late this month. That is the soonest. I ran out of a med they told me not go off cold turkey. So three or so episodes since dad died. One Sunday at church, just great. My pastor said he had no problem with me crying. I just don’t want to be seen like that. Up (manic), down (crying, depressed).
Just saying it did not need to be this way. Am I supposed to remain stable? Could you be completely together through this, not. So now I am back in the system because now I need it. Oh, Lord I am praying that you drive my car. Keep me from getting anxiety, mania and crying. I believe you can do it. Hold me up, it looks like I need therapy because I didn’t need therapy.
This is just minor to what is going on this earth. People wake up the ruler of this realm (satan and his fallen angels) are trying to destroy us. If I didn’t have The Lord’s grace through faith, I would be back in the psychiatric ward, getting new meds, trying different kinds again, zombie drugs. No thank you. By the way I am not crazy. I just have that little part of me that gets triggered occasionally. It was dealt with fine, Thank-you.
I trust you completely Lord, with my life. You are in control. Please build me up. Give me strength and perseverance. Help me to help you to stay in control so I can go back to church also. Amen Lord Jesus, My Savior!