Israel will be restored.

Israel, the Jews are the chosen people of God. They denied our Lord and were idolaters time after time. They went their own ways. They suffered and still do. God let them go their own way. He has not cast them away forever. He will restore and save a remnant along with all believers.

God promises in His Word, I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in my statutes and you will keep My Judgements and do them. Then you shall dwell in the land I gave your fathers; you shall be My People, and I will be your God. Ezekiel 36:25-28 Then the nations which are left around you shall know that I the Lord, have rebuilt the ruined places and planted what was desolate. I, the Lord, have spoken it, and I will do it. Ezekiel 36:36

All those generations and we still have idol worship. All we ever have to believe is that Jesus Christ died for our sins and repent, and obey… He will give you a new heart to obey. He will turn you away from sin. You cannot do this yourself. Not one of us will ever be good enough. We all deserve death. He has chosen to give mercy on who he will give mercy. There is nothing in you that can help you. We cannot earn our way to Heaven or think we are good enough. You must be born again. Unless you are, you will not see the kingdom of God. John 3:3 Plain and simple. You must believe and lose your life to gain it. To follow his Word, daily, pray, take up your cross daily and obey, repent your sins. It is an inward change, that cannot be faked. God knows all men’s hearts. There will come the final day. You will know that He is God. You will try to hide yourself. Even if you die before the second coming, you will face the final judgement. If your name is not written in the book of life, you will perish. All of us fall short of the Glory of God. God tells us to be ready, because no one knows the date or time. He will come like a thief in the night. Are you ready? If not, it will be to eternity in hell. No choice is the same, hell.

I find myself in dilemas daily.

I don’t know all the answers for me. My guess is my triggers are being pushed. I am touchy. I don’t like this feeling. I finally prayed for a control from the Lord. I know he could heal me. If not he can always make me deal better. I am still upset with going to therapy again. It is giving me anxiety. I guess now I do need it. I am told by my therapist that I need to be able to set limits. She says my mom is replacing my dad with me. I do try not to feel bossed around. I do try to do the Lord’s work as much as possible. I do it everyday with joy in my heart. The therapist asked me if I am doing anything wrong. The answer is no. She says I need this structure in my life. She says I cannot conform to what my mom wants of me. It is her way of control. Mom wants what she wants now. I wasn’t there right on time to take bags of mulch out of the van. She called me and hung up on me and went and did it with a frozen shoulder, torn rotator cup. By the time I got home ten minutes later, it was done. She was angry and said she did not want to talk to me. I said ok I will just leave. Then she said I am not taking the car. I threw the keys in the driveway and went back over to my volunteering. I wasn’t angry, just miffed. When I came home my brother was here, calming the situation because I called him. He said we have to work it out. Well she apologised but, it keeps happening. Everyone in my life wants to change me to their way sooner or later. I cut the lettuce today. Why do I not use the outside instead of cutting it? I don’t know. It is my way. Don’t put pineapple rinds down the disposal. I know that. I don’t put anything down there. I told her I was feeling the bipolar today. Please let up. She has seen me reactionary. My therapist says I have to keep myself well. I can’t just sit and do what everyone wants. I need structure. It keeps me stable. I know the Lord has me here for a reason. My family says it’s my duty. They come on holidays or when they feel like it. I have two brothers and one sister. I want them to step up too. All I get is I am here she has me. Well, just come and take her out. It is true one lives five hours away. She is taking a vacation with friends and won’t be here until July. Yes, she has a demanding  job. One day she yelled at me and said I have it easy. I said you want to be bipolar? This is not easy. My life has not been easy. My testimony says all that.. The Lord saved me at fifty-four. I was a seed that took root with joy and withered away in the eighties. Now he is my Savior.  My one brother comes the most. He is there for me and her. He does have a demanding  job in the behavior health industry. So he knows my disorders very well. He completely understands. So I have to find a happy medium for all things. He has his in-laws approaching the dying time also. My dad died March 16. My other brother also has a demanding  job. He lives one hour away. He says it is God’s plan for me too. Okay but, not alone. My mom has needs, I get it. She should be all our priorities, even if she says they have their own lives. I have mine too and a right to it. I do live here. I cut the grass. I do all I can. I will be more company for her. I did finally say to her. Are you lonely when I am gone? Yes, was the answer. So Lord, I am a servant with your love and compassion. For all those that I can be. I guess I have to find the happy medium. So you show me. You take me where I need to be. You are my control. I give it to you. I am but a sinner and I am useless without you. You are loved by me with all my heart, soul and strength. I trust you to keep me on that even keel. I have to take my meds. I am not healed of this, bipolar 1 and P.T.S.D. I feel it. It’s there. Lord you are my strength in all. Any advice or comments are welcomed. Prayer is needed. I haven’t felt these real reeling swings so much as this last month. I need calm. I need the Lord to change me not this world. It is no good. It is not where I belong.

Amen! Lord Jesus, you are all I need to be safe and sound, sane.

The Joy of Giving because you know the Lord and He knows you?

There are so many ways to give. You can give a helping hand. You can say a word of encouragement. You can hold someone’s hand when they are passing from here. You can help the family of those dying just by stepping in for an hour or so. You will realize how much the Lord blesses you in return. Go see an older widow or widower or a friend or acquaintance. Just sit and visit and listen. You can support with monetary donations many organizations and churches. How long does it take? How long did our Lord suffer and die for us? He endured the worst, for us so we could be with him eternally. He died on the cross, and rose again to defeat death once and for all. We do not have to die twice. Revelation 20:14-15 The first death is but a sting. The second is to eternal darkness and suffering. You may think you have made a choice for the Lord. Examine yourself are you showing love and care for your neighbor? Who is your neighbor? All people of all nations. Are you praying daily and do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior? Do you read and understand your Bible or is it just foolishness to you? Do you know for sure you are going to heaven? If you don’t then you better find out why you don’t know. Nothing of ourselves can save us. We are born total sinners until his blood covers our sins. You must take up your cross daily and serve others anyway you can. Do not do this for the world to see for your recognition. Do it in secret. Don’t let your right hand know what your left hand is doing. Because if you have not the love for others from our Lord and for him, you are just clanging cymbals in the wind. Be repentant. Humble yourself before him. Look around he created this earth, universe and everything in it. You can deny it all you want. One day he will return. He has promised that. John 14:1-21 Then every knee will bow and every one will know” He is Lord!”

Jesus is our King of Kings, Lord of Lords, The Almighty God from the beginning and forever…..everlasting eternity…The other everlasting eternity is in the pit of fire and brimstone…forever. Revelation 20:11-15 No choice is a choice. So everyone inside has made that choice regardless if they believe they have or not. You can know where you will spend eternity. Get on your knees and ask for his mercy. What have you to lose, your soul and you will lose it anyway. Because whoever will not give his life for Jesus will lose it.

Read the Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. You will want to read more. If you are a chosen child of God. Find out today, tomorrow may be too late.

Amen Lord, Come quickly!

Now, I saw a new heaven and new earth…. Revelation 21-1-8

A letter from my heart to yours, daughter.

I have no idea how you are? I have a bit of knowledge of school that is it. I know we used to share many things. To bad I had to get sick and ruin it all. I am just hoping someday you will forgive me that I have a mental illness? I don’t begin to know what I was like when I wasn’t me. All I know is with all the wrong meds and the wrong way it was given to me, I couldn’t control everything. I told your dad I had some setbacks recently with your grandpa dying. I also had a few confrontational moments with family. Yes, I am sensitive, as always. When grandpa was dying, I did my best not to get into it with him. He was pretty mean at times. I don’t think it was just that he was dying. I know he always had issues and did not like trivial talk. So we did not talk much with him or in front of him. It was just the way he liked it. We seemed to irritate him no matter. I can understand now. I think he was bipolar also. His mom had issues. I am now with mom and I see how she doesn’t listen to me at times. She is the way she is too. What can I do? Pray and live with it? Love her, take care of as much as I can. She is so worried about getting Alzheimer’s and really we all have signs of forgetting things past or even present at times. You walk in a room forget why you are there. I have been there did it many times.

I would like to say I truly appreciated your eulogy written for your grandpa. It was very important to me that it was read. I plan on sending you a keepsake of his obituary. You and your brother were his grandchildren. Even though your brother is a step-grandchild, he was loved as a natural one and is. It is very hard sometimes to realize my dad, your grandpa is gone.

I am praying that your dad takes care of himself with his kidney failure. He can’t be cheating on foods or drinking too much liquids. It will only cause him more trouble. He has to follow his diet and stick with it. If he doesn’t you will be there all alone taking care of your brother, grandmother and grandfather. I think that is a little much for anyone to handle. I hope it doesn’t happen but, we do not know what tomorrow will bring. God only knows. Your dad asked me about your passport renewal. I am thinking, who would she want to see here? Are you thinking of going to Texas? As far as I know you haven’t stayed in touch with your old best friend there. Your dad said he wanted me to sign something to get it renewed just in case? I really don’t want to waste years if we have them and all of sudden you contact me. It won’t be good for either one of us. We will be so far apart, not that I won’t always love and do love you. Separation and no conversation will keep us strangers. I don’t want to feel awkward with my only daughter. I always have cherished you as a beautiful gift from God. I don’t begin to understand the why of this estrangement. I only know in my heart of hearts, I never wanted to leave. I just was so hurt with the way your dad could and did not want to deal with my illness. I know that he said he didn’t know why he was treating me the way he was. I know he denies that he couldn’t stand me sick, it doesn’t matter. He as I could view it was frustrated and didn’t want a sick wife. I could not be unbipolar, but I could have been better with all your help. I am now and have been after the initial shock of knowing I could not go back. I had to recover from what I went through. How could I go back to the same situation? He didn’t change anything, his opinion of me or how to help me. He said he would not walk on eggshells for anyone. I should be able to just take everything in stride. Everyone could speak about me, make decisions about me and even sane, I don’t know Arabic. It is a shame that it all had to come to this. I do however think of you every day of my life and will always. 

A friend of mine told me I should use my site to write letters to you from time to time. You can know that it is not easy for me because I do miss you every minute. I never wanted to not be your mother. I know you have moved on. Your dad said you have no mother-like figure anymore. He said you had to grow up fast, since I left. I did not want to have this happen. I won’t wish away anything that happened though. It would mean not ever having you in my life. So as it is, it is. Maybe someday with the Lord’s help, you will forgive me. I look forward, trusting in him that will come to be. Anyway, first letter on my blog. You said before you look at it once in a while. So it’s here for you from my heart. I love you mom.

Was the Lord talking to me or you or both?

A Big Yes through my Pastor!

I had some trials lately. Several things happened in a row. Pastor was talking about what do we do after the Lord has Risen. We have come through the climax of much activity from Thanksgiving, to Christmas and through Easter. He asked the question should we take a rest in our faith through grace? He then spoke about the apostles and that they were discouraged and didn’t know what to do after the crucifixion. Peter said I am going fishing. The others followed. You can read this in John 21. The Word says what  the apostles did. They fished all night and caught nothing. Jesus was on the shore and they did not yet know it was him. After they perceived yet another miracle and ate. Jesus asked Simon Peter, “Do you love me three times?” I never thought of it this way, three I love you Lords, replaced the three denials before the crucifixion. Peter said yes, Lord you know I do. The third time Peter was grieved and said to him, ” Lord You know all things; You know that I love you.” After each answer Jesus told him ” to feed my sheep, tend my sheep, feed my sheep.” So the message was to all, when trials overwhelm you or you want to take a break, don’t. That is you in a valley of your trial and you must continue the work of the Lord. I had before good Friday decided I would stay home for a while, withdraw from everything. I had experienced a setback with many things happening in a row. I was grieved. I was embarrassed because I broke down and cried in church. When I wrote my Pastor that I was going to do this, his words of encouragement brought me through. The Lord set me straight and said what are you thinking? How are you going to do any work sitting at home? No matter what your trial is we must feed his sheep as he told Peter. In essence whatever, sin, trial, discouragement we endure we must rely upon the Lord and let him pull us through. This time was hard again but, He wouldn’t let it keep me in that valley, another lesson learned. I am so glad I searched, by the Lord’s guidance until I found my home, a church that relies on all scripture to be inerrant. 

Amen Lord Jesus, My Savior, My God, My helper, the Holy Spirit

Ten to four and I didn’t lose.

Things I can’t control

  1. How much the Lord loves me and 
  2. How much I love him and others and
  3. The gifts he has given me and
  4. The trials I go through as a born again Christian and
  5. Where he has me living my life and
  6. The brokenness of my relationship with my daughter and husband and family I had to leave and
  7. The reason I had to leave, mental illness and their ability to not be able to deal with it or to give more support and assist me in stability, not wanting to walk on eggshells to cater to my illness and
  8. What other people think of me as a Christian and being part of a peculiar people and
  9. My constant joy in knowing I will see My Lord Jesus in heaven
  10. Who hears the Word of the Lord and who doesn’t

Things I can control with the Lord’s help

  1. The church I attend and hearing the whole truth and
  2. Who I choose as friends (Christians) into my closer space and
  3. How I react when people trigger my disorders and
  4. Where I work and freely give my love

The hardest thing to control is the want to fix something. I can’t do it anymore. Every time I do I get hurt again. It is hard to say out of sight out of mind. It does not happen. Some days are better than others. No one wants anything from me unless it is to benefit them. I guess silence is golden to them. Just go on with your lives like you never knew me. I am told that I don’t know anyone anymore. After nineteen years you would think you did. After raising my daughter and loving her, doing the best I could for her always. She is now fifteen. When I was very sick I reacted to her saying she hated me the way I was (bipolar). I did swear at her in reaction to it and I did treat her badly with words. Then she took over and I was done in. So I will always be the bad guy and that is okay. Jesus did not come to bring peace on earth. He came to set a man against his father, daughter against mother, and a daughter in-law against mother-in-law, read on. Matthew 10:34-36 It even happened before I was born again. So now it is even more so. Who do I love more? My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

My daughter

I remember you when you were growing in my womb. 

I remember finding out you were a girl and your dad was angry.

I remember you when I took you home and the car seat dwarfed you.

I remember you in those cute little white tights with the ruffle at six months old.

I remember when pink was my favorite color on you.

I remember how fast you grew out of those cute clothes.

I remember how your brother used to yell she is stealing from me. You loved his hot wheels. We had to get you your own.

I remember how beautiful you were growing up and still are since I have a picture.

I remember how I was a stay at home mom until you were ten.

I remember protecting you many times from bullies.

I remember the last time cost me you and my health at the time.

I remember that all things work together for good to those who love God. Romans 8:28-30

Be a witness!

I have as you have, many opportunities to witness to others about Jesus. One of our deacons recently said, ” Don’t let an opportunity go by”.  He said he remembers one time the person died in a car wreck the next day. I was in my session today discussing why my husband has now shunned me even more. It is now more because I am a born again Christian. He told me that he thinks I joined a cult started in the 60’s or 70’s. I can’t remember which. He says according to his calculations that the number of saved Christians would be very few. I said it is not according to my words but, the Lord’s. He said he will stick with his rituals and he likes them. That they have been around since the beginning. I have to say that is true. I know and all true believers know it is not about rituals. If you read any of the Bible, you would know that is what people were doing, all kinds of rituals, they thought made them holy, worshipping other gods, hand-made idols, (idolatry). They had our living Lord and God. He wanted them to have no other Gods before him. To obey him, give him glory and honor him and love one another as he loves us. As I read the Bible, his Word, I know it is true. It is written down for us. It’s written by men inspired by God. Scripture is God-breathed, inerrant. 2 Timothy 3:16. 

I was raised catholic, baptised, 1st communion, confirmed. I spent eight years in catechism. I believed the Bible then. I was never told to read it. Yet I knew about the creation, Adam and Eve, Noah and the Ark. I now know because of the Lord more than anything, the Word is true. There are no lies there. What was prophesied happened and will be completed. He is coming again for us, he says so. Unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of heaven. John 3:3  We are saved by grace through faith, not by faith alone. Ephesians 2:8-9  He grants us that grace. You can never earn it on your own. In my work for the Lord I am near to people dying. I ask them questions to see where they are in the their beliefs. I do witness and tell them when the moment comes. I have failed also at times. I tell them that the only way to salvation (heaven) is Jesus. I ask do you know you are going to heaven? I always get that answer “I think so, I think I have been a good enough person”. No one is good enough, not one. We all fall short as sinners. Romans 3:10-18  We must take every opportune moment we have. It could be the only chance or not. At least we know and God knows, we did go therefore. We have no idea who or when someone could understand.

And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always even  to the end of the age.” Amen Matthew 28:18-20

Good Friday in our community of Christians.

We had seven Christian churches and pastors come together. The messages from each one were very powerful. Our pastor’s sermon was always as with great witness. Every week his message includes, all of us are sinners, all of us fall short, all of us cannot just go to church and be saved. We came together and praised God with our voices in song. It was beautiful for Our Lord to behold his glory in his vessels chosen to honor him. Romans 9:21-24 Around the world many other churches in faith did the same. We are just a small part of God’s Church. We must have the total and complete transformation through faith in God’s grace to be saved. Especially, when we as Jesus, must take up our cross every day and follow him. If you don’t you have made a choice anyway. If God’s message reaches one person out there and they truly come to know him. There is a celebration in heaven. It can be you, are you called?  Matthew 15:4-7  Are you listening to that little light inside you? You know that there is a God, Our only God, that created everything you see. Genesis says in the beginning. John says in the beginning. Jesus is the beginning and the end in Revelation 21:6-8  He is the Alpha and the Omega. Is he calling you? Are you ready to give your burden to him? I was and many others like me. We have joy in our ultimate destination. He has promised us he will come back for those that persevere. I have faith and he let me see. Even one trial after another, I still see. I have mental illness but, when I get over the initial hurdle I am stronger every time. Lord you are carrying me. Amen I give my whole heart and soul to you always, Gladly with Peace in Heaven as my eternal home, your home of many mansions already prepared. John 14:1-4

Through Our Savior Jesus Christ, The Only Mediator between us and The Almighty God. Repent, Accept the truth, the Holy Spirit will guide you everyday. Amen, Amen!!!  The Father, The Son, The Holy Spirit.

God, I am on number three therapy session and you already knew.

Well now, things are going back into action. I am in therapy and we are going to dig from the beginning again. I have to go with the flow. She is a very nice therapist. She truly is doing her job. I have no choice but to go with it. My ultimate question was “will I be able to maintain my meds here after therapy.” Yes, I will and if after six months or a year of therapy. I can go from every week to two weeks out to monthly to none. She is very forth-coming on how she will help me. If you have ever been in therapy? She set up a PCP (Person Centered Plan). Goal reaching, steps to get here. Sorry I am just disappointed that I was living for the Lord and fine doing it. Now some therapists are Christians and some are unbelievers. I am not sure yet about mine. She does know that I am a born again Christian and I live for the Lord everyday. It’s in my Plan for achieving a desired future (heaven). So I will look at it this way. I’ll get some witnessing time in too. I do what I do for my creator (The Lord, My God and Savior through Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son and the Holy Spirit, my helper). He owns my heart and soul. Will he fail me no? God says he will not give us more than we can handle. So we will handle it.

I had to give advanced directives to my mom and brother on where I want to go in crisis. That means they can you know what. Oh well, it will never come to that, Right Lord? Anyone feeling a little hopeless out there? That’s a stinger for me. I know my close friend will understand this when she reads it. I’d have to go to court to fight this. I don’t have the desire or want. If you have ever read any of my blog? You know what I lived through already. I don’t want sorry. I just want forward only, not back. I spent January to September 2011, in therapy. I released myself into living again. I have my grace through faith. I have anxiety with P.T.S.D now remembering all of it again.

This so unfair. Now I know why. We know the father of lies (John 8:44-47) can deceive many. He can never snatch us out of the Father’s (God’s Hands). John 10:25-30. Yes, whatever happens I belong to God, My Father. I can endure, I will endure. Even psychiatry cannot take away what he has given me. Besides all that he has given me is his work to do and it is copacetic. I am so happy that is true. Every time I do more, I want to do more. So what can happen, I’ll do more. It’s my therapy, helping others. All Christians that truly know the Lord, have his gifts to do his work. Amen

Having said all this, I took a pill I feel the anxiety decreasing. Tonight I am going to sing in the choir practice and our Good Friday services are tomorrow. I wasn’t going to go after last Sunday but, my pastor sent me such a wonderful note. I had already arranged my schedule, so the Lord wants me there. I am going. He will hear my voice praising along with my brothers and sisters in Christ.