First he brought me last year to the U.S. broken. I went through many struggles to get here. Remember I was not yet a Christian. I was hospitalized in June 2009 and diagnosed bipolar. I endured all that went with that, stigma, rejection, abuse because my symptoms were being bombarded. I did not receive the PTSD diagnosis until here in November. From November to March I just existed. I was being changed to new meds. My brother bought me a big print Bible for Christmas. I didn’t open it until March. That was the turn around in my life. Through all my grief and self-isolation, I cried and said I have no choice I give up. God was there to catch me. He had been always in my thoughts throughout life. This time he truly called me, I responded. I didn’t even think of what it meant to be a Christian. What obstacles there would be. What did I have that could ever be better than the Lord loving me? I didn’t love myself. I knew I was a sinner and worthless, defeated with nowhere to turn. It couldn’t be any clearer to me. I made a choice when I decided to commit suicide in July 2010. I said to myself, no one wants me, everyone hates me the way I am. They said so in words and treatment. I didn’t want to start over. I just wanted to get away from my families disgust and rejection of my disorder. I asked my doctor what can I do about people who abuse me when I was still there? My husband was there with me. Outside waiting for the visit he was making fun of the mentally ill. My doctor before the both of us said,” I would have to live with it”. Why didn’t he see PTSD, he knew my story? You can’t live with reminders over and over of your whole life. Bullying someone blatantly is not helping. My family never wanted to get educated. It was all my fault that I was sick. I should be able to get well no matter. To will myself out of bipolar. One cousin said get popular, change yourself so people want to be with you.
Hadn’t I been doing that all my life? See IT Does Not matter what anyone else thinks. It’s what Jesus sees inside and outside. Even in my deepest distress I knew that they would never see me and help me. I was already searching the Bible trying to find peace. I don’t blame them. I just learned the hardest lesson of my life. No human relationship without God can ever fulfill your life or soul. We can never be good enough. We can never earn our way. That’s true of unbelievers in this world today. You can’t say you’re a Christian with no turning around from sin. You can’t live your life the way you want, if you are truly converted. Yes, there will be more things, he convicts you of. We all have our little storage of things we want to keep doing. Sorry, he won’t let you keep them. You accepted, his work in you is begun and can’t be stopped, if there is true conversion. You know the difference between a word acceptance and an inner and soul changing acceptance. For some it happens pretty quickly. His work in me just went like the winds never-failing. I let go totally. What was I letting go of and still am. A worldly life of sorrow and pain. If I hold unto anything that was before it makes me sad. We try not think in the past but, we still are flesh. We always say what if. My what if is what if he hadn’t called me. We know the answer to that. Jesus came to bless the poor in spirit, bless those who mourn, bless the meek, bless those who hunger and thirst in righteousness, bless the merciful, bless the pure in heart, bless the peacemakers, bless the persecuted…For theirs is the kingdom of Heaven…read on.
Even through the sadness at times I feel myself growing in his Spirit. These are all trials we go through that make us persevere more. My first time out to do his work was a complete disaster. My work through him in this house is keeping quiet and being an example of love and kindness. At first (I) wanted to get them to understand Jesus. Maybe it’s not meant for them to see, I still will be an example. To them and all others until Jesus comes in Glory for his Church, Amen