For the first thing I am going to live eternally with God through Jesus Christ. He is leading me to discover more about what can be given back daily. It is very hard to stay in this world and look at it as blessings. I went to church today again. Really enjoyed it but, all my sorrows and joys crept up. Tears flowed pretty much the whole time. We had a lunch after and I wanted to stay until the end. I brought my friend with me and he wanted to go so we did. I asked him, “Why he wanted to leave so soon”? He said, “I’ll tell you later.” Later he told me he got convicted of loving me. I have already many times explained to him, “I am a spirit only”. He wants a relationship and it will not be. I only want my relationship with God through Christ Jesus and fellowship with Christians. I am purposely staying married anyway. Who knows if my husband will become a Christian, I can’t? God gave me the love (I) have searched for my whole life and did not find. For me none of the worldly relationships ever last (except Christians). The sorrow and pain they gave me will never bring me happiness ever. Oh, I will think about lost family and pray for them but, I can’t go back. I gave that up to the Lord. I know in my insanity (bipolar1 and PTSD), it was not alone the undoing of my family. I can’t ask why this happened? Only what is next for that is gone until he wills different.
We tried the first step of being a support peer for people with mental illness. That didn’t work. Too many obstacles, so it had to end. Given to me were two long-lasting Christian friends there and more to come from the Church. Now I start training as a volunteer at a Hospice this month. I feel with God’s help we can endure. Time will tell if it works or not. We still have to be lead to places to find our gifts, where we can be used to glorify God the most. If by his light we give hope for eternity to people through us, it’s what will be done. He will give me strength even though I have disorders (with stability). We know we won’t be a direct object of rejection and this gives us perseverance. Give all the rejection for the Lord we can take. What else can make us grow in his Loving-Kindness? Rest assured my growth will be gradual but, forever unfailing through the Gift of faith, Grace through Jesus Christ and The Almighty God, Amen.
P.S. Maybe the training will help with my own dad and family. My dad has a few months left with pancreatic cancer.