The Bible the First and best. This month I read: The Gospel According to Jesus Christ-John MacArthur, King’s Cross-Timothy Keller, Fool’s Gold-John MacArthur-Mere Christianity-C.S. Lewis. All very inspiring.
I have read some sites lately, saying we can’t understand the word of God ourselves. I can understand perfectly his perfect word. There are no mistakes in his prophet’s prophesies and what he says in the New Testament. His words inspired by the Holy Spirit through his apostles and disciples. I bow to him for including me in his Church. I was lost and now I am found.
I did reach the point of the brokenhearted, hopeless, worthless and complete realization of my life as a complete sinner. I truly believe that he does call you and you are predestined for it. No rhyme or reason. He just picked you to come to his senses. When you are born again, the Bible, his perfect word lights up. He speaks to you daily through it. You understand more and more. You are ready to leave this world always because you know you are prepared and waiting. You have to go on in it until that time. It is not easy being a disciple of Christ as he preached during his time on earth as a man. You must give everything to him and follow. Take up your Cross, his Cross. If you don’t you reject him. Then who are you making a choice for, the worldly domain of satan. It will all pass away. I may be dead in the ground one day in Christ. I will never be dead eternally. How about you?
You can’t say a word. A word ticks him off. You try to let him know lovingly you are there for him and get told you are going overboard. I am going back to what I said. No more talking, again I am overboard. Slowly but, surely I started saying good morning, goodnight, bye, to my dad. I can see he is upset. He doesn’t want us doting, mom or me. Pride, pride, pride, bitterness, I feel helpless. When it’s too late for all of us to show love. He won’t be aware or can’t care. Guess that’s the way it has to be. I am a loving person, being torn apart when I give love, to my dad. My mom too, she cries a lot. We just want to disappear. This is really hard. Does a Christian dying do this? No they have peace and joy for a life in the Lord. Maybe it’s not too late. All things are possible if you believe. I believe, Lord that he will. I just read that in Mark 9:23-24. The outbursts are very hard to take. Just break down give it over to the Lord, find peace. That’s why you are feeling this way. Already helpless against your disease, knowing the time is coming, soon. You are lost and can’t control a thing and pride is in the way of love. I don’t want to remember my dad this way. Yes it is horrible he is dying. He must realize he is pushing us away. We should be close, remembering some of the times we shared through life together. Is anyone out there? Have you experienced this? How did you deal with it?
Today he saw his doctor. We are giving him more insulin. He is only to take his glucose in the morning and stop worrying. The doctor is referring him for chemo. It could possibly prolong his life to six months max. He seemed better after. Mom said he told the doctor he made his day. Lord in your hands, your choice.
I am fifty-five and it took all my life for him to call me to repentance and love in following him. Everyday I give Glory to him for rescuing me from the dark deep pit. Since my last near destruction, he has given me more than I could ever have dreamed. Peace in my heart and soul. Love and kindness and desire to do his work to serve others. It hasn’t been an easy journey to stability with bipolar 1 and PTSD, but with him all is possible. Today after nine months of therapy, I almost said goodbye to all of it. (God changed my mind and I am out of therapy 9/6/11). I feel I am ready because of the Lord leading me. I won’t need to rely on it anymore. I decided to stay until my dad passes, just in case. My psychiatrist released me to my regular M.D for Meds because, I am stable. If you saw me nine months ago you wouldn’t believe I was that person. Even with the complete estrangement from my family in Lebanon. I gave it to God. Believe me I still hope and pray for them, but I can’t do anything to make them see the full picture. To them it’s all my fault. I lived it I know that can’t be true. When you are bipolar, people who love you should help both you and themselves to understand. They should be willing to do whatever it takes to help get you stable. They have to realize if anything that pushing your buttons, is not in any way a help. It would have been better to say, “I am sorry, but we can’t deal with you. You have to go.” Yes, I was sick, I needed help”. I still get touchy when people cross my boundaries, learning to deal, not to get in that situation. God gives love, if it isn’t comfortable for me, time to find someone else that wants God’s help. I will not be abused that way. I am a beautiful Godly creation as everyone else. Yet, we are all sinners in the eyes of God until we repent and follow his ways, through his son. The blood of Christ covers all of our sins. If you never get to the point of feeling, you are a broken-hearted sinner, worthless, and hated. Maybe he won’t find you, because you are cruising along. Just like when Noah built the Ark, and for over 100 years preaching repent. Just like Sodom and Gomorrah, cruising through life not heeding the warnings. Abraham asked God if he found any righteous would he spare them. Lot and his daughters only were spared. Then bang destruction.
It happened with Israel after years of disobedience. They are still his covenant people. Destruction will happen again. You know something is not quite right. You are searching for deep love and forgiveness that will last eternally. That is in God, only through Jesus Christ. I know that is the way. It happened for me. I wouldn’t change a thing in my life because, I could not have suffered enough for what he did for us. Life eternal no tears, no fears, no pain, no hate, pure happiness in worship and fellowship of the Lord God Almighty and his few Elect people. Let him open your eyes if possible, don’t wait.
From the Book “King’s Cross” by Timothy Keller. It’s a quote from C.S. Lewis-Mere Christianity: The more we get what we now call “ourselves” out of the way and let Him take us over, the more truly ourselves we become….our real selves are all waiting for us in him….The more I resist Him and try to live on my own, the more I become dominated by my own heredity and upbringing and surrounding and natural desires. In fact what I proudly call “Myself” becomes merely the meeting-place for trains of events which I never started and I cannot stop. What I call “My Wishes” becomes merely the desires thrown up by my physical organism or pumped into me by other men’s thoughts….It is when I turn to Christ, when I give myself up to His personality, that I finally begin to have a real personality all of my own….[Nevertheless], you must not go to Christ for the sake of [a new self]. As long as your own personality is what you are bothering about you are not going to Him at all.
From Timothy Keller-King’s Cross: For us, the Kingdom of God begins with weakness, relinquishment, giving up our rights to our own life; it begins with admitting that we need a Savior. We need someone to fulfill all the requirements and pay for our sin. That’s weakness. Jesus started in weakness–first, by becoming human, and second, by going to a cross. And if we want him in our life, we have to start in weakness too. The Kingdom begins there, but it won’t end there. Someday, when Jesus returns and ushers in a renewed creation, love will totally triumph over hate and life will totally triumph over death.
No explaining needed for me and I hope many others. I was holding back and now no more. Trying to solve all my troubles. It can’t be done, by me.
I RESPONDED TO IT WITH A BIG YES. I AM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. I WENT TO SLEEP AT 7 PM AFTER TAKING 2 PILLS AND CRYING MY EYES OUT. Why stay married when I don’t have a daughter. She wants nothing from me. I will obey her wishes.
She said sorry dad it had to be done.