A new dream will have to come to me.

I had a bad dream. Things were taken away from me that I love. My daughter that was already gone. A grey cat that I loved. Maybe representing  one I had to leave behind that I loved. I was also afraid of her because she was a wild cat. We had two both were calicoes my favorite and were born in the garden. Then part of the dream was me locking myself in the basement stall in the house I lived in when I was young. I had a big knife and starting cutting. I stopped when I saw I was close. Family was trying to get inside. Then I was trying to call 911 because someone (my husband or someone else) kept trying to pull the cat from my arms. Then ensued a stabbing of two people one against me one for me. The one that was dying then became a bear and when they took him away we were told he wouldn’t make it. I saw the holes down to his heart. So I knew too. She said to my daughter don’t worry you can start over with a new bear next year. It was weird.

So over this past weekend I had doubts and decided maybe Peer Specialist was not for me. I said that some people at the Opportunity Center are offended by me. God and Jesus shine through me and I can’t and won’t control it. So I decided after speaking with my brother I would just overcome the hurt and go on regardless. He said spirituality it’s part of everyone’s recovery. He said people on staff should not be offending the members. Asking questions when I am learning should not be met with an impolite answer. It’s my right, I am learning. He said maybe that person isn’t right for the position they are in. I am not a narc and will not be a part of someone being reprimanded or losing their job. It should have been noticed long before this. To late after telling me to think about it over the weekend my manager pulled me from further training. When she said she would wait for me to think about it. She said we would talk about it after July fourth. I am not going back though for reasons I feel I let someone take my dream and doubt myself. I had told her it wasn’t that I couldn’t do the job. It was because I still wanted to be a member of the center too. So how could I do both now and now I can do neither. God has other plans for me so I’m good with that. I am a very sensitive hearted person. The job entailed people who would be unstable in their recovery and helping to try to get there. I would not be able to detach myself from cussing, although I would have the right to tell someone to abstain or I’m leaving. I get enough around home, so case sera. Bless me Jesus through God Almighty.

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