Yep, I’m still bipolar, thought I was doing great with it. I am very sensitive. I just can’t help it. I was doing some hole punching of papers today at the Opportunity Center. The hole punch got jammed, so it ruined some copies. We figured it out and I said I was sorry. It’s seemed that who I was helping was a bit upset. When I asked a question she didn’t answer, so I figured sit down that’s your answer. I left shortly after that. I didn’t even want to say goodbye. Which I always do. I am a helper and a giver. If I made a mistake I’m sorry. I am just too sensitive, but that’s part of me and my disorder.
I was feeling like I don’t want to go back. Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Maybe I shouldn’t be a Support Person. What if someone I’m supposed to be helping does the same. I might cry, or be weak in front of them. I want to be strong and stay that way. I am strong in the Lord’s Word. I just really want to be at peace. I’m ready everyday for his return. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I’m not talking suicide. I would never try that again. I have my parents to care for especially mom, when dad passes. It’s going to be very hard for her and I and the whole family. God hasn’t called him yet.
I had comfort earlier from a fellow Christian. He told me to think of God working on my daughter. I had a few tears because it’s a big hurt. Even with God sometimes I think in the world way. I was listening to a Christian speaker in the car on the way home. He said just be ready everyday. This world will pass away and we won’t be here to endure that time.
Then I get no answer from my husband. I asked about my daughter. How are her grades, how is she doing? Also about my step-son? I guess it’s my fault that he did never get what being a Christian is. I always told him saying awful things is not right. So I said to him he should repent and let God lead his life. I told him which a lot of people know, if you hate Israel, you hate Jesus. They are his people of God’s Covenant. He came to save them and all that believe and repent and live through him. I have told him that before. He said what am I a sinner, a demon. I said no, everyone is a sinner. He told me to stop. I did and said God tried through me. Now I think I’m out of the loop again with my daughter. Maybe because he was offended and now through him, she is. I always taught her about Jesus and his love, so I’m hoping, she is being worked with. I have got to stop trying to reconnect. It only brings me hurt. I have to let her, be the one to want to. I find it hard not to hear from her. It is really hard to live in this world without something you never had to miss. A good relationship with your husband and kids. To bad all was lost because of bipolar and living in Lebanon, with no peer support. I gave my soul to God because there is no help besides him. Without him I would be a lost soul. All I want is for the pain to stay away. It’s not possible here in this world.
I have to ask forgiveness today. I said to my husband, “I guess I’ll go see my new family, since I can’t have my old one”. Where at the Opportunity Center. That was wrong too. My friend told me, it wasn’t nice. He was right.