I said before my daughter doesn’t want to reconnect with me. She is a teenager and will be 15 this year. Everyone keeps telling me it’s the age of rebellion and she’ll come back sooner or later. I left Lebanon in November 2010 because of my bipolar and their non-acceptance of dealing with the disorder. My husband was also abusing me when no one was around. Using hateful looks and soul-killing comments. I just thought I’d give a little background if you have never read my blog before. Anyway the last we spoke was January and it wasn’t good. She blames as he does me for my bipolar. I should be able to get rid of it and endure the abuse too, without showing any symptoms and fighting back. We all know bipolar out of control isn’t pretty but, when you have someone pushing those sensitive buttons of low self-esteem, hopelessness and worthlessness, what do you expect. Someone who is normal and can take it all and not dish it back somehow. In my dreams and theirs, I would guess.
I have come a long way since then. I am stable on my meds and therapy is once a month now instead of once a week. I didn’t get here without hard work. One day I laid my head down on the computer keyboard and cried and repented and said I can’t do it myself anymore. He answered and hasn’t stopped. I have trusted in God everyday and will continue to do so. I did ask my husband on Aim today, “If she was getting nearer to talking to me.” His answer, “I don’t know I haven’t asked her.” He never will either. I’m talking to people with closed eyes and hearts. People that don’t trust in God, only themselves. Too bad because I know where hate will take you. Forgiveness, love, hope are all of God’s commandments in the Bible. He has to choose you, or make you elect to be in his eternal kingdom. He knew from your mother’s womb or from the time of creation if you are elect. I really pray he calls many more Christians, he has to do it. No one can say I am saved and be that way unless you repent of all your sins and he calls you to him. Years long ago I thought I was a Christian by my definition and by going to a Bible study, saying I was saved. Now I know I wasn’t because God will not let you slip into the old ways of the flesh and sinning. You will still have sins but, you will turn around from what you did before. He does that for you. You change because you are reading his word and completely trusting him with your life. You will trip but, he picks you up. Just like me, I try to force contact with my daughter. It isn’t going to happen on my terms or it may never. I have to be patient in all things. I read that many times over the last few days. So Lord Jesus give me strength in all I do and say and my actions. For for you I live, because of you. Amen