I said yesterday I won’t be a Peer Support Specialist now. I think God knows I would have done well if I had the chance. Many obstacles were in the way. Mostly unbelievers in him. I rubbed them the wrong way so to speak. I became unwanted because his works were visible through me. I didn’t have to try hard to friendly, loving and kind. It’s all built-in from the Lord. It grows everyday for you who understand. My love for others and any help I can give. It just happens and I won’t and he won’t let me control it.
So the meeting with manager is July 5th and I won’t be attending. It’s not in my nature to be a tattle tale. If you can’t see what is going on in your own office then you are not watching closely. It is really follow the leader also. One bad apple can spoil the whole bunch. You have rights if you have a mental disorder to treatment with dignity and respect. I was put into a situation I could easily say my rights were not kept private. The whole staff knew before me as I said my boss had put the kibosh on my training. I believe that should have been between her and I until we met privately. Or she should have called me personally to tell me she changed her mind and not make a fool of me. I am out of it. There are major problems going on there.
Anyway I met with my Christian brother today we had a great time. We went and bought tires for his bike and back brakes. We were three dollars short and the owner came out and fixed his front brake and put on the back ones. That man went beyond his duty to his customers. I felt he must be a Christian too, but sometimes I just don’t ask. We went to the gas station fixed the bike up with new tires. When my friend filled the back tire with air it blew. He was upset and I said, why we only had one whammy today. I will bring you a new tube the next time. I said don’t feel bad, I don’t. You see my friend has emphysema and I am trying to help him increase his lungs capacity. We’ll know next week, he is seeing his doctor. His doctor told him it was good for him to ride and walk. I met him at the Opportunity Center. We’ll be meeting a couple of times a week outside the center.
I had a bad dream. Things were taken away from me that I love. My daughter that was already gone. A grey cat that I loved. Maybe representing one I had to leave behind that I loved. I was also afraid of her because she was a wild cat. We had two both were calicoes my favorite and were born in the garden. Then part of the dream was me locking myself in the basement stall in the house I lived in when I was young. I had a big knife and starting cutting. I stopped when I saw I was close. Family was trying to get inside. Then I was trying to call 911 because someone (my husband or someone else) kept trying to pull the cat from my arms. Then ensued a stabbing of two people one against me one for me. The one that was dying then became a bear and when they took him away we were told he wouldn’t make it. I saw the holes down to his heart. So I knew too. She said to my daughter don’t worry you can start over with a new bear next year. It was weird.
So over this past weekend I had doubts and decided maybe Peer Specialist was not for me. I said that some people at the Opportunity Center are offended by me. God and Jesus shine through me and I can’t and won’t control it. So I decided after speaking with my brother I would just overcome the hurt and go on regardless. He said spirituality it’s part of everyone’s recovery. He said people on staff should not be offending the members. Asking questions when I am learning should not be met with an impolite answer. It’s my right, I am learning. He said maybe that person isn’t right for the position they are in. I am not a narc and will not be a part of someone being reprimanded or losing their job. It should have been noticed long before this. To late after telling me to think about it over the weekend my manager pulled me from further training. When she said she would wait for me to think about it. She said we would talk about it after July fourth. I am not going back though for reasons I feel I let someone take my dream and doubt myself. I had told her it wasn’t that I couldn’t do the job. It was because I still wanted to be a member of the center too. So how could I do both now and now I can do neither. God has other plans for me so I’m good with that. I am a very sensitive hearted person. The job entailed people who would be unstable in their recovery and helping to try to get there. I would not be able to detach myself from cussing, although I would have the right to tell someone to abstain or I’m leaving. I get enough around home, so case sera. Bless me Jesus through God Almighty.
Today I have lots to say. I wanted to get a car but, I can’t have anything in my name or I lose my benefits. My mom did not want me to drive her car only to and from my job. I would have to wrestle with getting one of three vehicles to get to my appointments, two being huge vans. So my sister had called about a car that was available for a good price. Even as a gift a car in my name would be an asset. Finally my dad got very upset and said take the expletive car and use it. I am dying and don’t need this. You can’t have a car in your name because you’ll lose your benefits. So that is that. I can use it.
Next I am so seeing more signs for people to wake up. No word “God” was used in the Pledge of Allegiance at the U.S. Golf Open on NBC last weekend. Jews and Israelis banned on flights to Saudi Arabia, what’s next. I didn’t know they would even want to go there. No flights at all because of this and that ethnicity. We let all the Muslims fly here to bomb our Twin Towers. They are all here and staging all kinds of major attacks inside the U.S. This country is being taken down to bankruptcy. Money will be worth nothing. So gather your gold and silver. So you think that’s going to save you from your end. The wrath of the Lord is coming. You can choose now and be Raptured with his Church or stay here and suffer and die eternally. If you stay, oh woe to you what you will endure. If you read your Bible and your eyes were opened you would see all the abominations in this world. Repent and dedicate your life to Jesus Christ and let him truly lead your life. I hope you are one of his Elect.
Third I got a hinted message yesterday that they don’t like me hugging people at the Opportunity Center. These are friends I have made. I am sure it is because the other staff do not want anyone hugging them. It does say in the rules of the membership that hugs are acceptable if both persons are willing. I am a part-time Peer Support Specialist so I guess as staff for what under 10-20 hours a week eliminates me from the hug department. Probably because to all I am a Christian and they know it and are taking offense because God leads me with Love. Now what do I do walk around avoiding hugs, stiff hand my arm to people. Tell them I can’t hug them. This is really very wrong. You are in a place to feel better yourself and others want to feel better too. It’s supposed to be a family type environment. I feel I will have to leave. I do not take easily being persecuted because of my bipolar, PTSD and tender heart.
Three earthquakes the last three days in the ring of fire. Alaska 7.2, Chili 7.2, Aleutian Islands 7.4. the bigger one is coming. the writing is on the wall and in this earth.
I uninstalled Aim yesterday. There is no reason to keep it. I was playing a game of you don’t see me on (my husband) and I did write something. He was on and never answered anyway. All because I told him how to become a Christian and for him to tell the kids.
There was never much contact anyway. They can email me if there is ever a need. I am stopping this blog for a while and concentrating on my new life in the Lord. Hardly anyone reads it anyway.
God through Jesus give me my answers. I can’t deal on my own. Love to all who read and understand. Even those who don’t.
I have met so many people recently that all have their stories to tell me. My heart just wants to break for them. People that can’t work, can’t get social security disability when they deserve it. You have to hire a lawyer to get it because they turn you down automatically.
I was turned down. I couldn’t get my records for hospitalizations in Lebanon. I wrote, the DHS wrote, no one sent anything. Three psychiatrists, one therapist, three hospitals. Lebanon, America has helped you so much. I could not get help back. So no proof I’m bipolar and have PTSD. So I said before I started to get stabilized forget it. I don’t need it, it’s too much trouble, hours of paperwork, as sick as I was. I have a roof over my head and help from family and I can get a small job. If I make too much they will take my Medicaid. If I work a full-time job, which my doctors say I can’t do. I’ll have no mental health insurance to cover my psychiatrist and therapist and case worker. They might cover 30% and I’d have to pay the rest. Or I could work and buy my own insurance for $140 a month and it would not cover mental illness. Not to mention I take four prescriptions. There are rules there too.
Mental illness, mental disorders, and many disabilities are not all curable. I know many who do not have anything. These are the people we need to help and pray for. Everyone of them has a mental condition or some disability that they can’t work. Yes we know there are some that get it that shouldn’t and we can’t control that. I asked this one guy I have been talking to lately where he lives. He told me under the bridge. I could not believe it. I was so hurt for him. I felt his pain. He said his body is worn out from working hard his whole life. Things befell him that do to us all, but when your family turns on you, what could be worse. Those are the times when I wish God would call people to him. It’s not my choice, it’s his. I can truly say the people who I have met at the center are like my family. These are special people all of them. Yes, we all made mistakes in life, yes we are all sinners, one no better than the other. I also pray for all the men and women of our armed services. Giving their lives and health for their country. Because when they come home most will need mental health services for depression, PTSD. Poor their families losing the man or women that used to be, or years of help to get them back. The permanently disabled, maimed for life. Oh, for some comfort, Oh for some love, Oh for forgiveness and worthiness. You are because you are, Dear Lord. Amen. Do you see the end coming. I do, I’m waiting. Nothing looks good here, just sorrow and suffering. All to make you see you need God to run your life or you’ll truly go to the devil in this world and beyond. If you love this world and your treasures, you are his. Can you take them with you? NO! These are your idols.
Yep, I’m still bipolar, thought I was doing great with it. I am very sensitive. I just can’t help it. I was doing some hole punching of papers today at the Opportunity Center. The hole punch got jammed, so it ruined some copies. We figured it out and I said I was sorry. It’s seemed that who I was helping was a bit upset. When I asked a question she didn’t answer, so I figured sit down that’s your answer. I left shortly after that. I didn’t even want to say goodbye. Which I always do. I am a helper and a giver. If I made a mistake I’m sorry. I am just too sensitive, but that’s part of me and my disorder.
I was feeling like I don’t want to go back. Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Maybe I shouldn’t be a Support Person. What if someone I’m supposed to be helping does the same. I might cry, or be weak in front of them. I want to be strong and stay that way. I am strong in the Lord’s Word. I just really want to be at peace. I’m ready everyday for his return. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I’m not talking suicide. I would never try that again. I have my parents to care for especially mom, when dad passes. It’s going to be very hard for her and I and the whole family. God hasn’t called him yet.
I had comfort earlier from a fellow Christian. He told me to think of God working on my daughter. I had a few tears because it’s a big hurt. Even with God sometimes I think in the world way. I was listening to a Christian speaker in the car on the way home. He said just be ready everyday. This world will pass away and we won’t be here to endure that time.
Then I get no answer from my husband. I asked about my daughter. How are her grades, how is she doing? Also about my step-son? I guess it’s my fault that he did never get what being a Christian is. I always told him saying awful things is not right. So I said to him he should repent and let God lead his life. I told him which a lot of people know, if you hate Israel, you hate Jesus. They are his people of God’s Covenant. He came to save them and all that believe and repent and live through him. I have told him that before. He said what am I a sinner, a demon. I said no, everyone is a sinner. He told me to stop. I did and said God tried through me. Now I think I’m out of the loop again with my daughter. Maybe because he was offended and now through him, she is. I always taught her about Jesus and his love, so I’m hoping, she is being worked with. I have got to stop trying to reconnect. It only brings me hurt. I have to let her, be the one to want to. I find it hard not to hear from her. It is really hard to live in this world without something you never had to miss. A good relationship with your husband and kids. To bad all was lost because of bipolar and living in Lebanon, with no peer support. I gave my soul to God because there is no help besides him. Without him I would be a lost soul. All I want is for the pain to stay away. It’s not possible here in this world.
I have to ask forgiveness today. I said to my husband, “I guess I’ll go see my new family, since I can’t have my old one”. Where at the Opportunity Center. That was wrong too. My friend told me, it wasn’t nice. He was right.
I talked to my daughter last Sunday, for the first time since January. I am still so happy about it. It’s a start in the right direction. Yesterday’s announcement of a Hezbollah majority government. Pro-Syria, Iran, whatever, against Israel, God’s chosen people. All we can do is pray for everyone there. I hope my family there survives.
I told my husband he should repent his sins and trust in God to lead his life. I asked him to be sure he passed it onto the kids. I hope so. He said what was I saying, he is a sinner and demon controlled. I said that all I said was everyone is a sinner. We have our chance to turn our lives over to the Lord and live with him in eternity. He told me to stop. I said okay I will and I’ll pray for all of you. He said thanks. Everything is up to God and I know that. There is not a thing I can do without him helping me in leading my life.
As for that I came here November 10th 2010. A total mess in mental crisis. I had to actually get into care immediately because I was suicidal. From then to now he has worked miracles in my life. Before I thought dying was the answer to end my pain and agony. Now I am glad he called and I answered him to take over. I could not do it anymore myself. That is dealing with bipolar and PTSD. Then all my emotional problems of leaving a mess that they believe is all my fault. I have known all my life what it feels like to be belittled, sick or not. I did not imagine that and if I lost my mind and swore or called names. Am I any different from a normal person exposed to crazymaking. You bet not. If someone loves you and marries you it should be as you promised for better or worse. The worse did get better out of the abusive environment. I already said and most people know living with a bipolar is not easy. If you really care and learn how to help them by questioning all things to do with their condition. That is more than anything understanding and unabiding love. If you choose to crush them even more with ugly remarks and supply more ammo for them feeling hopeless and worthless. You know how to do it. Isolate them, give them no one to turn to. No allies, not even family. Everyone knows you’re crazy so they act the part as if you are. I have to say besides my immediate family there, I did get true caring from others. They just weren’t with me all the time or couldn’t take sides against the leaders of the pack.
I am not angry in case you were wondering. I just hope if someone reads this they can see life can change. Life can get better. This world is only temporary. It’s where we have our chance to convert to the Lord. God went away from Israel because they kept sinning against him over and over. They were worshipping idols. They had God right with them and his prophets, still they disobeyed. He brought his son, Jesus in the flesh to witness to the world and taught his apostles. Everything right in front of their faces, miracles worked, time after time. He died for us so our sins could be forgiven. God will protect the Elect Christians. All we have to do is repent our sins, and devote our life to him. He already knows who will or won’t. Is your name in the Book of Life? Have you been called or have you not asked to be forgiven and be devoted? Why would you take your chances or wait any longer? All we have to do is repent our sins, and devote our life to him. Or not, and suffer eternally, as if we haven’t had enough yet? Life in abundance eternally or suffering eternally, not to hard a choice I would say.
I was just reading comments about Baptists losing members in the church. I can say I don’t know anything about that church. My point is that there are so many unbelievers on those comments it is unreal. One guy said the Christians posts are 1 in 25, so true. I am glad I have my own blog to give Glory to God. I would be dead without him. He saved me from suicide and changed my life completely, because he chose me to repent and give up doing nothing on my own. His blessings have come to me one after the other. I trust in him for everything. If I fall he’s there to pick me up, which we all do because we are still sinners. He is molding me to become more like him. I love people and want to help people in need. I pray for people. I don’t want people to not make it to Heaven, but it’s not my choice, it’s his and theirs to hear the call. I am right where he wants me to be, being a peer for others like me. Praise to God through Jesus Christ our Savior, Amen.
I tried again today. Just asking politely if she wanted to talk. His answer was she is studying for her finals. I said you mean she can’t take a few minutes to speak to me? Next thing you know she was there online. We talked for ten minutes or so. I asked about her school. She said she’s doing good. I asked if any of her friends were leaving Lebanon. She said yes, three. I wanted to say “You want to leave too,” but I didn’t. She will ask if she gets to that point. I don’t know if he will let her but, she’ll drive him crazy if she wants to leave. I told her I loved her, she didn’t say it back.
I told him “Thanks and I Love You” to tell everyone hello from me. He said fine. I say the Lord Blessed me and answered my prayers. Thank you so much.
Next week I get my first clients as a Peer Support Specialist. Lots to do and learn and with God beside me I can do anything. We have several later trainings in June and July. I am also looking forward to tomorrow. Here we go tigers, here we go. It’s our makeup game from the rain out last month. No rain in the forecast 72 degrees, nice.
I said before my daughter doesn’t want to reconnect with me. She is a teenager and will be 15 this year. Everyone keeps telling me it’s the age of rebellion and she’ll come back sooner or later. I left Lebanon in November 2010 because of my bipolar and their non-acceptance of dealing with the disorder. My husband was also abusing me when no one was around. Using hateful looks and soul-killing comments. I just thought I’d give a little background if you have never read my blog before. Anyway the last we spoke was January and it wasn’t good. She blames as he does me for my bipolar. I should be able to get rid of it and endure the abuse too, without showing any symptoms and fighting back. We all know bipolar out of control isn’t pretty but, when you have someone pushing those sensitive buttons of low self-esteem, hopelessness and worthlessness, what do you expect. Someone who is normal and can take it all and not dish it back somehow. In my dreams and theirs, I would guess.
I have come a long way since then. I am stable on my meds and therapy is once a month now instead of once a week. I didn’t get here without hard work. One day I laid my head down on the computer keyboard and cried and repented and said I can’t do it myself anymore. He answered and hasn’t stopped. I have trusted in God everyday and will continue to do so. I did ask my husband on Aim today, “If she was getting nearer to talking to me.” His answer, “I don’t know I haven’t asked her.” He never will either. I’m talking to people with closed eyes and hearts. People that don’t trust in God, only themselves. Too bad because I know where hate will take you. Forgiveness, love, hope are all of God’s commandments in the Bible. He has to choose you, or make you elect to be in his eternal kingdom. He knew from your mother’s womb or from the time of creation if you are elect. I really pray he calls many more Christians, he has to do it. No one can say I am saved and be that way unless you repent of all your sins and he calls you to him. Years long ago I thought I was a Christian by my definition and by going to a Bible study, saying I was saved. Now I know I wasn’t because God will not let you slip into the old ways of the flesh and sinning. You will still have sins but, you will turn around from what you did before. He does that for you. You change because you are reading his word and completely trusting him with your life. You will trip but, he picks you up. Just like me, I try to force contact with my daughter. It isn’t going to happen on my terms or it may never. I have to be patient in all things. I read that many times over the last few days. So Lord Jesus give me strength in all I do and say and my actions. For for you I live, because of you. Amen
It was about my daughter. It scared me. So I was on AIM and her dad was invisible so I just typed a letter to see if he was there. He was so I asked, no answer. When I looked later he said she was okay. I don’t know about me and dreams but, that one time about my friend Lisa it came true. So this time I didn’t wait to make sure.
I went for training today. The manager said for me to stop worrying they won’t let me lose my Medicaid. I don’t care about anything else but that. I can’t be without doctors, or meds with my condition. Still trusting God, he knows what he’s doing. I am really excited about making a difference in people’s lives. I look forward to sharing what helped me to become stable. I have to keep clients in mind because that’s what I’ll be there for. To help move them along to their stability and whatever they want to accomplish, get a job, etc. I am sure it won’t be easy but, sometimes just being a good listener is so important. God helped me out of the worst situation in my life. I finally said that’s it you take over. I messed up my whole life. I said I always knew he was there. He didn’t really call me until after I got here. Yes, there were times in my life, when I went to Bible studies and they said, just say Jesus is your Savior and you are saved. Nope, that’s not it. You have to be called by him, you have to be justified and then sanctified. He does it you can’t. He knows from the beginning of this world if you would be with him or not. Thank you God, through Lord Jesus for choosing me. I am no longer in charge of my life you are. How blessed can I get? Don’t get me wrong he still has work to do and I read my Bible everyday for inspiration. I also listen to sermons by my favorites. Everyday is a church day not just Sundays. He leads you away from sinning, to make you become more like him. We still are all sinners though. It’s just that he died for us and covered ours. Amen!