I cried my eyes out

I did cry at the opportunity center.  I knew I felt sad today. I should have stayed home. I had a few people try to console me. I had to leave finally because I couldn’t stop. I really need to work so I don’t think about her and dwell upon it. It’s my heart though, you can’t stop loving your own child. My dad says she has me under her control. If she talks to me she would not be. Everyone keeps telling me, she’s 14 and she’ll come around. That doesn’t help today, tomorrow, next week, or a year or two from now or farther down the road.

What do I do how can I just forget her? My husband said I’ll get over it. He was mean as usual. He said he’s to busy playing mom and dad, and house cleaner. I didn’t say it but, sorry it was your choice. When you abused me to no end, got our daughter doing the same thing. It became unbearable and all you can say is I did the best I could. He never said sorry, said he was frustrated. I guess lots of people like us get that. It so easy to say bad things to bipolar people. Then you expect them not to be hurt or confront you back. When we do that we are the crazy one. After a while of it and insults every day, you can’t take anymore and run. The damage is done, your family is kaput and you did it all. I try not relive those Post Traumatic Stress incidents, but who can forget. You can forgive but, that doesn’t make it go away. All my life I have felt pretty worthless, relationships all abusive, some physical and mental. I have to crawl out again and resurface stronger. Just pretend it doesn’t matter. I did pretty good at it for a while. Until Ms “A” personality denied me again. How will I feel if someday she does contact me, if I am still here? I think I still would turn the other cheek and let her slap the other. I am not holding my breath because really I think there is no hope for her to forgive me. I have to do what God wants me to, how many times have I said that? Please forgive me Lord for trying to fix something broken on my own. It just won’t happen.

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