I cried my eyes out

I did cry at the opportunity center.  I knew I felt sad today. I should have stayed home. I had a few people try to console me. I had to leave finally because I couldn’t stop. I really need to work so I don’t think about her and dwell upon it. It’s my heart though, you can’t stop loving your own child. My dad says she has me under her control. If she talks to me she would not be. Everyone keeps telling me, she’s 14 and she’ll come around. That doesn’t help today, tomorrow, next week, or a year or two from now or farther down the road.

What do I do how can I just forget her? My husband said I’ll get over it. He was mean as usual. He said he’s to busy playing mom and dad, and house cleaner. I didn’t say it but, sorry it was your choice. When you abused me to no end, got our daughter doing the same thing. It became unbearable and all you can say is I did the best I could. He never said sorry, said he was frustrated. I guess lots of people like us get that. It so easy to say bad things to bipolar people. Then you expect them not to be hurt or confront you back. When we do that we are the crazy one. After a while of it and insults every day, you can’t take anymore and run. The damage is done, your family is kaput and you did it all. I try not relive those Post Traumatic Stress incidents, but who can forget. You can forgive but, that doesn’t make it go away. All my life I have felt pretty worthless, relationships all abusive, some physical and mental. I have to crawl out again and resurface stronger. Just pretend it doesn’t matter. I did pretty good at it for a while. Until Ms “A” personality denied me again. How will I feel if someday she does contact me, if I am still here? I think I still would turn the other cheek and let her slap the other. I am not holding my breath because really I think there is no hope for her to forgive me. I have to do what God wants me to, how many times have I said that? Please forgive me Lord for trying to fix something broken on my own. It just won’t happen.

It’s a sad, sad situation.

My husband wrote back to me after I asked him: Will my daughter ever want to talk to me again? He said not now maybe later. She has a type “A” personality and no one can tell her what to do. That’s funny, because he had no problem ever doing that. I told him to tell her maybe I’ll be dead by then of cancer or heart disease. I told him God will not forgive her if she does not forgive others. She has had people hurt her more than I did and they aren’t bipolar. I couldn’t stay there, I would have died. The way they treated me showed they really didn’t want to deal with me. Now I am the one to feel all the pain and hurt. Why do I keep doing this to myself. I am trying to force something again on my own that may never happen. It’s just the hurt like my child is gone. The one I took care of until 14. The one I did for, gave into, loved and cherished. Then bipolar happened and all that is over forever. I found someone else to love and take care of if she wants. She is 18 and her parents kicked her out on her birthday. She is bipolar among other disorders and now recovering well. If only our families would read about our illnesses and understand and help us through the rough times. I have more help from my friends at the opportunity center then my own family over there. Such is life. Lord lead me through another day without you I could not go on….

Painful as it is I have to let go.

Well I have been waiting all this time for my daughter to remember she has a mother. Even a sick one. It’s not going to happen in this lifetime. I just have to quit thinking about her. She hates me because I was sick, doesn’t get bipolar. Thinks I was faking, being out of my mind. She didn’t ever know what her dad did to me, I’m sure. He would deny it anyway. I told him to tell her I would be on Aim Sunday at 1pm every week. I decided I can’t. I’ll just sit there and wait and she won’t show. How long does it take to forgive someone, I guess forever in my case. I ran away back here for help and decided not to return. I got accused of bettering my bipolar self and throwing her away like a candy wrapper. I don’t know if the hurt will ever end for me. I had no choice as I said before. Death or leaving, I wouldn’t be there anyway.

Going back to Lebanon was out of the question especially after the government fell. I have read online on the Lebanese sites and things are no better. No new government close to being formed. Two armies that both hate Israel, not to mention Syria and Iraq. Why are these people so dumb (prophesy). Once they attack God will protect Israel. If you hate Israel and the Jewish people you are sunk. He always did promise to get them back to their land. He has a covenant with Abraham and Moses, passed down through the generations. Israel is God’s chosen people with the rest of us Christians that live for him. I am not worried for me, but for others that don’t accept. When Jesus comes back their eyes will be opened and they will realize Jesus was sent as the son of God in the flesh to pay for our sins. I study everyday. I grow in his word and love everyday. I will be happy and await his return and no one knows the date or time, only God.