Yep, I know I’m sick and my buttons got pushed to the max.

What the heck things were going good. All of sudden wham. I am so tired of people being mean. I have a loving heart towards people. Am I not allowed to ask a question without getting my head ripped off. Talk about jumping down your throat, I said before I’m not taking it anymore. I will find someway to take care of myself. I am not going to sit here and have venom spewed at my mother and me. Guess what three is still a crowd, it always will be. If you can’t say a word, why be here. Everything you say causes friction. The person can’t see themselves or won’t after all these years that they have a problem with anger. They think everyone else is wrong and you are stupid. I have lived through this too many times. I am mad as a hornet but, cooling down. I felt like walking, just like I did in Lebanon, with no place to go.

I just said I’m proud of my dad for handling his illness, although he is almost eighty. I still am, but, you should know even if without sickness you are at the end of your earthly life. You would think you would be loving people, those closest to you most and showing you do. Instead of counting their error in words, or questions, or mistakes using the remote, or talking to much, cussing around the house with all their favorite words that I can’t stand, everyday. The ugly statements just bowl me over. I am not perfect. I am a woman who does as all men say talk to much about trivial things. God created men and woman different for a reason. We have to work together to understand each other. I really think he is mentally ill too. His mother was, it’s genetic and they gave it to me. Whatever it is for him, it’s been going on for years. We had problems before too. Don’t tell me what to do in my own house about my wife. Don’t tell me what to do at all. You are not helping me, expletive.

What do you want from me a piece of my soul like everyone else. Take it. Anyway by the time I finished writing this he came in and we both said sorry.  He said he’ll try not to get angry and I said I would too. In other words we cleared the air. I love my dad. He told me he doesn’t want me going anywhere. My mom and he both need me.

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I am on the way to getting my first job since being diagnosed bipolar1.

I went to the activity center today. I stayed about three hours. We did some organizing. Things like art stuff, throwing other junk away. I was about to leave an lo and behold the manager came in. I sat with her a few minutes to see if she got my cover letter and resume, she had. So right then, we scheduled our interview for this Thursday. I am not getting my hopes way up there but, I can say I really want to do this. As I said I feel God wants me to do this. If not I’ll keep looking.

On the sadder side, dad saw his doctor today. He still says the same thing, pancreatic cancer. He told him to enjoy the rest of his life. If he wants to do yard work do it but, don’t be lifting anything to heavy. If he wants to have something even though, he is diabetic have it. He says he has maybe one year to eighteen months. Also they have a new chemo that is not so bad. If things worsen he may do that to slow the growth of the tumor. I have to say I am very proud of my dad for taking this all in stride and living to the best of his ability. He has a light growing inside him, I love it. He may not think so himself, but I see it. God make him yours forever.