I put in a resume and cover letter about a month ago. I will start this Thursday as a Peer Support Specialist. I will be helping people with mental disorders, such as my own. I will be trained to find them shelter, food, etc. I know eventually I will go for week-long training. I am not sure of everything yet but, I am truly blessed. I prayed to God everyday if this is where he wants me I will go. I think it will be of help to me also because other people are living harder lives with these disorders than me. After all I’ve been through my whole life, I can use it as my strengths. Loving and caring for other people is easy for me. I don’t try to judge anyone. I just care to help where I can. I feel very impressed with how soon they are diagnosing some of these disorders now. As I said my diagnosis came at 52, bipolar 1 with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Even though I have family things going on, I feel I can be strong. It will definitely take my mind off my daughter and my dad so much. I just hope someday before time runs out she will understand. Thank you God for this big opportunity to let my light shine. In Jesus’s name I pray.
Well, everyone decided to go home early today. I think it was okay with everyone. The house here is not so big anyway. It was noisy and a bit frustrating. I took a ride with my brother today on a nice bike path. I did buy a new bike this weekend. So I can ride or walk with my mom. I can even ride to Opportunity Center if I want. It is starting to get hot though.
When we got back dad was mowing the lawn. I ask him if I could help? He said “I want to do it.” I asked mom if I should go ask him again ? She said “Leave him alone let him do it”. So later we were inside sitting and he says “When I came in to eat the lawn mower wasn’t going”. I think he wanted my brother to offer to cut it. We can’t be mind readers. I love my dad but, he is frustrating me. So now he said “He wants to cut it Mondays and Fridays”. Okay I’m good with that. I can do the whole thing if he wasn’t so stubborn and I don’t mind one bit. I wish he would just let me. I don’t want him wearing himself out like this. He can ride but, no more push mowing. We agreed, we’ll see how long that lasts. I guess he wants to be invincible and I can understand that in his situation. I don’t want him just sitting there waiting to go. If that is the case. I said before we don’t know for sure if it’s pancreatic cancer or what. It could be the last stint in his liver is working right because he says he has no pain. I pray that’s true. He still is almost eighty and needs to slow it down a notch or two.
I don’t want to lose him ever but, we know that can’t happen. Lord whatever happens, please if you can don’t let it be painful. Please get him to accept the Holy Spirit. It’s your choice to show him the light. I hope and pray for him daily. In Jesus’s name. For all my family, and all the non-committed to your word and you leading their lives.
Yesterday, I spent most the day reading. I don’t really like loud conversations. I watched a movie later with mom, but it was still hard to hear. Well I went again and signed into AIM a little after 1:00pm today, no-show again. Just in case something changes with my daughter. I won’t know if she is even thinking about me ever. Maybe if she sees me online, it could get her to think of me once in a blue moon. Geez, I don’t like all this pain, most times I blame myself for it. I wonder if I had done this or that, could things have been different. My broken heart says no. What would have changed but, to be there as the verbally abused. I was sick, no one cared. No one cared to help me. No one cares about me from there. It’s something I can’t forget. It’s with me everyday. After all is said and done I still love my family. I wish I had not gotten sick. It wasn’t up to me, I had no control over bipolar. If I could have don’t they even care that I would have not gotten it. Except it is the same old story, I did the best I could, no empathy, no love, no forgiveness on that end. Why do the sick have to be torn to shreds? Is it just another part of suffering? I know I am not the worst of those sufferers in life, but it is something that you try to ignore and can’t very long. Of all the beatings, verbal abuse, and other abuses, I think silence from your daughter hurts the most. It doesn’t hurt so much from my husband because he went from love to hate just like that. Why did that have to happen after we spent 16 years together? Yet, why did my daughter have to follow him so quickly? I was sick, very sick, without help. I had nowhere to turn and yet I am blamed for it all destroying the family. I know these things, but does that make it any easier, no. It all just fell apart and I feel to blame. I am the one who has to live a new life without them. My strength is in my words, the light in my heart that shines and brings tears to my eyes. My Lord in Heaven you are there. Take me with you soon.
My sister came with her two boys and my brother came also. It’s a little bit stressful. So many people and trying to get along. My dad was sitting at the table this morning with his head down a bit. I asked what’s wrong and he said he can’t do what he wants, people sleep to late. Well my nephew must have heard that so he got up. Oh well, when people are visiting in a small house it’s hard but try it with bipolar. Finally after mom got blamed for messing up dad’s computer, I said let’s go for a walk. We did that then went to a few stores. Then mom scared me so bad. She yelled Oh My God, I thought she was having a heart attack. Come to find out, she didn’t have her seatbelt on. They are cracking down this weekend. She said maybe I need one of your anxiety pills to calm down. I kept telling her no one was following her, but she said I’m caught and I know it. I know this is trivial, but it gets to me. So, I write it down and let it go. It’s not worth keeping inside. Amen Jesus.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. She moved my appointments out three months. That is great, because I’m doing well. The sad news is my brother said she is leaving. So unto the new one next time, I’m sure. Still waiting to hear about the job position I applied for. I want an answer there before I go somewhere else. I feel ready for a job, even more so. I am happy and stable so no change in meds, just keeping them the same. She said I lost another two pounds, was it anything to worry over? I said, no I just don’t eat as much as I used to. I was 180 pounds now 120 pounds, so I am very happy with that. I get compliments and it keeps me up and focused on not regaining the weight. The way I lost it not so great (Invega) but, I came through it. I went all week to the Opportunity Center again and helped out. Today I did all the dishes. Big job, well done I would say. I’m not bragging, just saying I can do much more than in November. I am driving, taking care of myself, taking my meds and not forgetting. I realize that there are lots of people at the center and all over that have worse issues, than me. So that gives me strength, besides my strong faith in God. I just want to help people and do what I can whenever I feel the little nudge by God. Everyday I get more ideas of ways to help from him. I just go with the flow and stay centered on him and my Bible. Thank you in Jesus’s name.
If you have a desire given by God to listen to a great sermon. I just listened to it again. It’s called the Doctrine of Absolute Inability. It’s on John MacArthur’s site:
http://www.gty.org/Resources/Sermons Search Absolute Inability. You can listen for free. Tears were a flowing. Thank you Lord.
By the way all his sermons are wonderful to listen to.
Oh well, it looked good for a while. We went and it rained a lot on the way down. It didn’t look bad when we got there but, started raining. I wanted to stay but, one of the staff connected to the weather channel and the rain was coming and worse. They covered the field and we decided to leave by votes. We stopped at an outlet mall on the way back. One of the members and I talked and had coffee the whole time. I should not have drunk caffeine. I was wound up tight for hours. We still have a chance to go again because the rain delay became a rain out. We will see. So three innings and it was over, but the day still was fun with friends.