The Life before is History

I went to see my therapist today. We had a good talk about the issues of this past week. She said I handled everything pretty well. I think so too. I get where sometimes I feel like a basket case but, it’s doesn’t take me over.

No word from my family but, still hoping. I saw my husband has been on AIM twice or more now. He always had me blocked, so I’m wondering what’s up with that. If I see him tonight. I might ask him why he is letting me see him online, when since December nothing. Maybe he’s feeling a pang of guilt, not. I can’t change anything now. I have my dad and mom to be here for. I would never think of going back to Lebanon anyway. I wouldn’t mind having my daughter though. If she would grow up some and realize it takes two for a marriage to fail, even if one is bipolar. If I was like I am now on the right meds and without his abuse, it could have calmed. He would have to not hold my illness against me. I am just dreaming. He cannot do any of those things. I was never on the right meds. He never ever questioned the doctors. I really can’t say because he just threw me away really. I have to stop living inthe past even if it was just six months ago, yeah right. I don’t want anymore blame games. As I said I took all of the blame, so we’re done. I know that’s not true but, it’s what they think. So maybe no arguments mean she might contact me sooner or later. I am done making the first move. Oh, she’s just not ready to play nice, so her dad says, whatever.

She’s fourteen and as I said the kids even there are into bullying. I don’t know anything about what is happening now. Out of sight, no one tells you a thing. Even if I ran for my life. It doesn’t matter. I went to better myself, he said. Just a minute I had tried suicide in July. He never stopped harassing me. I strove to keep myself together by popping Klonopin. I had to wait a whole month more to leave because of lithium toxicity. Yeah, I made up my mind before I left not to go back, the mess I was. I can’t say it didn’t pop in my head as an option for weeks or months. The hardest part was my daughter but, you know she is doing just fine without me. Life evidently turned out the way it was supposed to. I could not control it. I thank the Lord his hand was upon me always.

Parents talk to your kids daily. Ask them what is going on at school. I always found out and did something. No one should be told it will get better or just try to be tougher. It doesn’t work that way when you have kids as vicious as they are today. As I said before, I feel for all the parents and kids that commit suicide. This should never be their answer.

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