Happy Easter, Christ has risen!

I sent three Easter cards to my daughter, son and step-son. No one has opened them. Am I surprised, nope. Then again would her dad change her mind. He needs to realize even long-distance a child needs her mother. Instead he is feeding her hatred. He knows what he did, to me and will never admit it unless he repents. I have hopes for him of that. You can never give up totally on someone. The thing is he is putting himself in their eyes by example, to feel the same about me. I am not kidding this man went from the love of my life, to me being disgusting and hated. My daughter followed his lead. She says she is too angry, his words from her, to have a relationship with me. When she is ready she will. She didn’t have one after I got sick. She was on his side, said she hated me with bipolar. We with bipolar are sensitive to people’s put downs and joking remarks and outright just painful, hateful and disturbing treatment. No wonder daughters and sons worry about the treatment of their parents in nursing homes. Mental abuse is terrible for ever person living. I could not help it. I was a loner and tried to hold my own. Then I lost it July 10th, 2010 and tried to end it, mostly because of her and what she said. Did I want to start over, no. What was there to live for. I had no friends, all family around me wanted me to be invisible. You can only take being ignored for so long. My daughter would say who invited you into this conversation, no comment from her dad. I am not exaggerating. Oh, maybe once in a blue moon. Maybe he had a pang of guilt about how the crazy was being treated. Didn’t it even dawn on Mr. Master Degree’s mind that maybe, just maybe he could still love and support me. I think I am talking about common sense, treat others like you want to be treated. Yet maybe don’t treat sick people with recoil and hatred. No where does it say that a person with bipolar will never get better, if they work on it. I am living proof that it happened. It wasn’t overnight it took six months with the right medicines and right psychiatric care, therapy, and case workers. The support of parents and family. I will always be bipolar with my triggers to the end, but the control is there. 

The previous post shows my family here doesn’t always  get along but, we love each other. My dad is dying, but has a good outlook, says he’s working on getting better. We are not really sure if it is pancreatic cancer.  He says why should he put himself through a painful biopsy to find out. It is still sad though. My daughter won’t even write him a note saying sorry you are ill. Everyone has their own views. I guess to my family I left, I was a psycho-maniac. Everyone says just wait, someday she will come back to you. I don’t know. I hope so. In the mean time it’s hard not to think of her growing up without me. I am sad today because of the Easter Cards. I have to go through May without Mother’s Day or a birthday being recognized. Just like Christmas and New Years. Well at least I’m not expecting anything. Then I won’t be surprised about zero acknowledgement. I am dead-end mother, who threw her daughter away like a candy wrapper. I went off to better myself, how selfish. (his words).  I remember when I left wondering how I was going to take a whole day to get back to the U.S. without half losing it. Then I had a six-hour layover in Frankfort, never had that in years. I couldn’t see well so I asked a steward to fill out my custom card, wow God bless him. Then it seems forever before you get there when you need to be consoled so much.  Honestly I wasn’t thinking too much about God then, I was anxiety ridden, a total mess. I was praying I would make it through without losing it. Things going through my mind. Will I go back, can I, will things change? The answer was no.

I try to journal my thoughts daily and don’t have good handwriting anyway. I got my driver’s license and I am learning to drive a five-speed again. It’s been since 1985 but, it’s coming back well. Then I’ll be freer to get into an activity center and socialize. I need friends and more things to do outside the house. Just to be helpful to someone in someway would be good too.

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