I feel like I’m on a seesaw. I talk and get cut-off. Talk and get shut down. Talk and no ones listening. My brother came to see dad. He went and put his headset on at the computer shortly after he got here. After a bit he came back and said I hate this show. I can’t stand it. Why not say please change the channel. We wouldn’t care. I think this is really going to take a toll on me. I could go walking but, then they worry about me. No way of satisfying anyone. So here I sit writing down my feelings. I felt like crying and then got angry. I was talking to mom about giving a gift to someone else because she and I didn’t want it for cleaning an older lady’s driveway this winter. Telling her then it’s a gift that keeps on giving. I had my hand on her leg and she pushed it away and said my dad doesn’t like trivial chatter to stop. Then I wanted to cry again. I see what everyone’s going through and this just the early stage (not sure about that either). He’s been feeling sick longer than January. I’m just going to keep writing to myself and airing it Mondays with my therapist. Try to keep my motor mouth shut about my opinions on how to deal with things. That sadly no one wants to hear..
My dad seems to be taking the news in stride. I know he said in the hospital , he thought he might go to St. Patrick (cemetery) and not home. He has been through so much. I kept thinking maybe the doctor shouldn’t tell him but he did. He always told my dad you are getting older and things wear out. It’s business as usual doing the same things as he always does. I pray when things progress it’s not to painful for him.
We both hugged him yesterday and he said “I’m not going to die today”. I said we just love you and want to show you how much we do. I hope he decides to live the rest of his life to the fullest. Really if you think of it his suffering in this world will be over. You go to Heaven a place unbelievably beautiful with no pain and suffering, just joy, Plus we will see each other again eternally. Amen.
I spoke of my dad being sick. They thought they had the problem taken care of. Today we heard he probably has pancreatic cancer. He opted for no biopsy because it’s very painful and wouldn’t change the outcome anyway. I am so blessed to be here since November. I think God planned it that way so I would be here for both of them. It’s very hard to take the news but, he will be going to a better place. He was upset I left the house today after the news. I didn’t want him to see me crying. Oh, but this will be hard. I give thanks to God he’ll be here to help us through. I want my dad to be chosen before he goes. I pray everyday for all, to see and believe they can have eternity with God and Christ.