A Letter to My Daughter

I just wanted you to know I am always here for you. If things get even more dangerous over there, you have an option. I am very stable with my medicines that I will take the rest of my life. I don’t harbor any ill feelings for anyone there. If I hadn’t been so isolated (without friends or social support) maybe things could have been different. I would have had someone who would have understood and talked to me. The doctors there didn’t understand what was going on behind closed doors. You didn’t even know. Besides you know some of your friends are abused by their own parents. It’s just acceptable behavior there. You saw me reacting to hurtful words even if it was done jokingly. I could not take it. I was severely damaged from the life I have lived. Making wrong choices all throughout it, because I was bipolar in my teens and no one knew about this then. I had a very low self-esteem. When your father turned on me because I got mentally ill that was okay. He should have got me well enough and shipped me out. I was a disgrace to the family where there is no mental illness. Your dad just could not deal with it, nor you but, that’s okay. He used to tell me you’d be better without me now, I can say you’re better off without me.

I would have helped your friend anyway and you anytime even though I know now what it brought to the surface, bipolar 1 and PTSD. In the end, I decided to leave to get away to see if things could change. I actually never made a complete decision until months after I was here. How could I? I still wasn’t well enough. You both gave me the option of being the old me or else. Which I was not sure would ever happen at that point. It did though and I am really happy I came through it with the help of God. He could have let me die but, my purpose here is not completed. The same feelings ate at me here and I thought again about ending it many times. I actually went to a crisis center the next day after I got here. I told my mom I had to have help now. My brother, is in that field and his wife,  so they arranged for me to get help right away. I had to check in daily with the crisis center until they could be sure I wouldn’t harm myself.

Imagine yourself where no one wants anything to do with you. They call you names, make remarks that hurt, it’s called crazymaking. You remember times in your life when you felt the way both you and your friend were feeling being bullied. When the girl here in the U.S. bullied you. I stopped that. I did it at the risk of losing my best friend. I knew it was wrong and I wasn’t going to let you take it. When that one boy hurt you so bad you screamed and threw your books down. How much of that could you take everyday? Especially to someone with these disorders. These are the triggers that set the mania into action. After a few months here without hearing any of those things I recovered to be able to stand on my own again. Don’t get me wrong, I still miss all of you. I worked very hard to get where I am. I apologize again for calling you the b word and all that I did, but really I was out of my mind. When you told me you hated me the way I was I didn’t want to live anymore hence my suicide attempt to end all the worthlessness, hopelessness and the pain in my soul dying in me. This is by no means a way to get back into your life. I really don’t know if you’ll read this anyway. Just like I don’t know if you got the box (your dad paid for the stuff) I paid to ship it. It wasn’t a bribe. I just wanted you to have it. I remembered the joy in your face when we bought it together. If you still hate me and your dad and everyone else does, I can live with that. I will always be married to him the rest of our lives unless he comes to the U.S. to divorce me.

Oh, and I will be going back to work soon as a peer for people with disorders like mine. If you’ve lived it you can help others if only to listen and share your experiences on overcoming obstacles. You have my permission to let anyone you choose read this it’s yours. America is stomping out bullying passing laws against it. Lots of terrible things in this world. I pray for all to know the Lord Jesus in their hearts and souls and live in him. Live with the light shining brightly. Forgive everyone and love everyone, repent of your sins. We are all sinners, no one better than anyone else.

Love you, Mom

P.S. Say Hi to your brother and your friend & her parents. I know you’ll run right to your dad with this but, guess what it’s okay. My love of you and your brother will always remain in me.

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