Tornadoes hit U.S.

By now everyone knows that tornadoes hit from Arkansas through Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, Virginia, and Georgia. Hundreds if not thousands injured and two hundred eighty confirmed dead so far mostly in Alabama. They were unbelievably strong storms. The worst since 1925. It could be from the Mississippi-Alabama line through Tuscaloosa and Georgia and Southwestern Tennessee, one tornado reported fifty to sixty times travelling over 219 miles rivaling the one in 1925. It had winds over 200 miles per hour and the devastation eerily similar to Hurricane Katrina in 2005.

Pray for all the people there that lost their lives and are hurt. For all the homes and businesses lost and that they get quick assistance. The same for the tornadoes that hit earlier in the week and all the flooding. Plus more dangerous weather on the way. Just bad weather or more prophesy. You will hear of so many more storms, earthquakes, wars and famine. Are we getting there. It looks like it. Let the Lord save you.

St. Matthew 7-7 Ask and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you.

 St. Matthew 7-8 For everyone that asketh receiveth and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

Before I came back to the U.S.

Very Hard Times

Sunday, June 06, 2010
I’ve been through two very hard days again. I got upset because my daughter was mistreated by a so-called friend. My husband and I argued, it became much bigger about the way he feels about other people. He says he could care less. He only cares for his family only. He is a hater and I don’t like it. I could leave, I live abroad, but I will leave alone. My daughter is 13 wants to stay here. My husband did not always talk this way. Just more so since I was diagnosed last year. We been married 14 yrs. I leave the house and walk knowing there is no place to go. I just want to live and be happy. More and more the triggers go off. I can’t avoid them. No one can understand me or really cares to try. My therapist is all, but that will end soon. My husband said he loves me and will try not to speak this way again. We will see, I am not going to live hearing this. Nice that I’m fifty-four and have to start over, again.

Trouble with Mother-in Law

Friday, June 25, 2010

I am very frustrated with this woman. Over the years she has given me so much unwanted advice. She has no business in most things. As I said I was bipolar since twenty but not diagnosed til May 2009. I asked her repeatedly to keep her comments or dislikes about me to herself. The other day she was again going to give me advice. I said no I don’t want it anymore. I finally got angry and told her many of the things that she said that upset me over the years. She was astounded said I must be delusional or she never meant it like I understood it. She has never hurt anyone in her whole life. My husband finally told her to leave me alone. Just today one last dig. She wanted to know why I chose bullying in schools to go manic on. Why didn’t I chose sick and dying people instead. Is this understanding? I am very sensitive, always have been but since becoming bipolar I refuse to take verbal abuse. I had enough all my life.

The Life before is History

I went to see my therapist today. We had a good talk about the issues of this past week. She said I handled everything pretty well. I think so too. I get where sometimes I feel like a basket case but, it’s doesn’t take me over.

No word from my family but, still hoping. I saw my husband has been on AIM twice or more now. He always had me blocked, so I’m wondering what’s up with that. If I see him tonight. I might ask him why he is letting me see him online, when since December nothing. Maybe he’s feeling a pang of guilt, not. I can’t change anything now. I have my dad and mom to be here for. I would never think of going back to Lebanon anyway. I wouldn’t mind having my daughter though. If she would grow up some and realize it takes two for a marriage to fail, even if one is bipolar. If I was like I am now on the right meds and without his abuse, it could have calmed. He would have to not hold my illness against me. I am just dreaming. He cannot do any of those things. I was never on the right meds. He never ever questioned the doctors. I really can’t say because he just threw me away really. I have to stop living inthe past even if it was just six months ago, yeah right. I don’t want anymore blame games. As I said I took all of the blame, so we’re done. I know that’s not true but, it’s what they think. So maybe no arguments mean she might contact me sooner or later. I am done making the first move. Oh, she’s just not ready to play nice, so her dad says, whatever.

She’s fourteen and as I said the kids even there are into bullying. I don’t know anything about what is happening now. Out of sight, no one tells you a thing. Even if I ran for my life. It doesn’t matter. I went to better myself, he said. Just a minute I had tried suicide in July. He never stopped harassing me. I strove to keep myself together by popping Klonopin. I had to wait a whole month more to leave because of lithium toxicity. Yeah, I made up my mind before I left not to go back, the mess I was. I can’t say it didn’t pop in my head as an option for weeks or months. The hardest part was my daughter but, you know she is doing just fine without me. Life evidently turned out the way it was supposed to. I could not control it. I thank the Lord his hand was upon me always.

Parents talk to your kids daily. Ask them what is going on at school. I always found out and did something. No one should be told it will get better or just try to be tougher. It doesn’t work that way when you have kids as vicious as they are today. As I said before, I feel for all the parents and kids that commit suicide. This should never be their answer.

That is that.

Well finally after pushing so hard, they finally both wrote. If they don’t ask about him in the future, they will not know. They don’t really want to be bothered anyway. At least I got that much out of them. I am tired of trying to get any answers. I don’t know what is happening in their lives except what I read on the internet site I mentioned before. That will be enough for me. I would think a lot of people I know, would have left already. The country is very unstable.

 Lebanon has mostly always been that way. I always found out things myself once I found this site. They say Israel is infringing on their rights by spying. If they don’t watch Hezbollah it could get out of control quickly. Everyone knows they are gearing up. I don’t believe the next war will keep the Christians there safe either. The attack of Hezbollah will be intense, since they have been stockpiling weapons since 2006. Israel’s response will be strong also. There is a warning since all the other countries are basically in civil wars. The same will happen there. Though the government was toppled, it’s the same disagreements over and over. When they release the Special Tribunal for Lebanon’s findings, about who killed Rafik Hariri and others, namely Hezbollah members. There will terrorist acts to take it away from top news. I can see a civil war brewing also between the Shiites and Sunni Muslims. No wonder Israel is upset. When push comes to shove, they will join together to fight against Israel if Hezbollah sends rockets there. I am not any expert, I visited ten years and lived there two. I had no idea that both sects despise Israel until I came back here.

I know the U.S. says they are trying to help but, it’s a terrible thing that we have lost so many young men, fathers, mothers, daughters and others over something that can’t be stopped in Afghanistan and Iraq and other countries. A few days ago from a house near a prison in Afghanistan they tunneled to the prison. Five hundred Taliban fighters got out. Some Lebanese abducted six Estonians, for more terror. Eleven of the abductors are in jail. The abductees nowhere to be found. I’m not saying I don’t care about the people because I do so much, but we can’t fight the whole world. The U.S. is going to suffer too we are already with our deficit. Just my feelings from what I’ve read and learned. Glad I’m here and not there but, when almost the whole Middle East world is warring what can we do, pray. It’s prophesy you believe or you don’t. I keep saying make your choice, God, through Jesus or evil. No choice is making one for evil. No one knows the date or time only God.

Too much to ask

I asked my daughter and step-son to write individual notes of sympathy to their grandfather over a week ago. Today I get one from my steps-son on their behalf. Every sentence began with a lower case letter. He is not the real grandson. My parents treated him like one though. She is the grand-daughter. Lord, she hates me so much. She can’t even say good-bye to her grandpa. We are not sure how much longer he will live. Guess that goes to show me my daughter controls everyone. She has a fit when she doesn’t want to do something. Yeah, we brought her up right okay. We gave her everything she ever wanted and more. He and I spoiled her. All she had to do was have a fit. I had to sleep with her until she was twelve, because she never learned to console herself to sleep as a baby. My in-laws came for a four-month trip when she was less than a year old. The mother said please don’t let her cry herself to sleep while we are here. I should have said mind your own business. I had just met them.

 That’s all it took. I couldn’t ever break her because, my husband had to get up in the morning to work. Poor poor soul couldn’t even give a weekend to break her. Then I was the bad one if I fell asleep with her, waiting for her to sleep. Parents if you are listening don’t give into babies when they cry in bed. They will learn to comfort themselves. If not you’ll end up like me. With a daughter that could spit in my face without a second thought. I am just so upset, I can’t believe this. If it were the reverse I would be e-mailing all the time. Even if we are separated and I told them it was all my fault. I’m bipolar and went nuts. I took all the credit. Give me a break. You can’t even bring yourself to type a nice sympathy note. It’s not even to me. I’ll have to have my next of kin notify them when I die, wait I don’t have any. They can find out after from my sister or brothers. My mother is seventy-nine. She is likely to not be around either.

My mom says don’t expect to much. I guess I’ll take her advice. I have been writing on and off for four months not knowing if it’s read most of the time anyway. I need to give up but, I just want to have hope. What if months turn to years and then to ten years? That is sure to happen if we are still here. Maybe I’ll hear from a stranger someday, who knows. I sure don’t know. Lord, give me hope and faith to get through this again and again.

Happy Easter, Christ has risen!

I sent three Easter cards to my daughter, son and step-son. No one has opened them. Am I surprised, nope. Then again would her dad change her mind. He needs to realize even long-distance a child needs her mother. Instead he is feeding her hatred. He knows what he did, to me and will never admit it unless he repents. I have hopes for him of that. You can never give up totally on someone. The thing is he is putting himself in their eyes by example, to feel the same about me. I am not kidding this man went from the love of my life, to me being disgusting and hated. My daughter followed his lead. She says she is too angry, his words from her, to have a relationship with me. When she is ready she will. She didn’t have one after I got sick. She was on his side, said she hated me with bipolar. We with bipolar are sensitive to people’s put downs and joking remarks and outright just painful, hateful and disturbing treatment. No wonder daughters and sons worry about the treatment of their parents in nursing homes. Mental abuse is terrible for ever person living. I could not help it. I was a loner and tried to hold my own. Then I lost it July 10th, 2010 and tried to end it, mostly because of her and what she said. Did I want to start over, no. What was there to live for. I had no friends, all family around me wanted me to be invisible. You can only take being ignored for so long. My daughter would say who invited you into this conversation, no comment from her dad. I am not exaggerating. Oh, maybe once in a blue moon. Maybe he had a pang of guilt about how the crazy was being treated. Didn’t it even dawn on Mr. Master Degree’s mind that maybe, just maybe he could still love and support me. I think I am talking about common sense, treat others like you want to be treated. Yet maybe don’t treat sick people with recoil and hatred. No where does it say that a person with bipolar will never get better, if they work on it. I am living proof that it happened. It wasn’t overnight it took six months with the right medicines and right psychiatric care, therapy, and case workers. The support of parents and family. I will always be bipolar with my triggers to the end, but the control is there. 

The previous post shows my family here doesn’t always  get along but, we love each other. My dad is dying, but has a good outlook, says he’s working on getting better. We are not really sure if it is pancreatic cancer.  He says why should he put himself through a painful biopsy to find out. It is still sad though. My daughter won’t even write him a note saying sorry you are ill. Everyone has their own views. I guess to my family I left, I was a psycho-maniac. Everyone says just wait, someday she will come back to you. I don’t know. I hope so. In the mean time it’s hard not to think of her growing up without me. I am sad today because of the Easter Cards. I have to go through May without Mother’s Day or a birthday being recognized. Just like Christmas and New Years. Well at least I’m not expecting anything. Then I won’t be surprised about zero acknowledgement. I am dead-end mother, who threw her daughter away like a candy wrapper. I went off to better myself, how selfish. (his words).  I remember when I left wondering how I was going to take a whole day to get back to the U.S. without half losing it. Then I had a six-hour layover in Frankfort, never had that in years. I couldn’t see well so I asked a steward to fill out my custom card, wow God bless him. Then it seems forever before you get there when you need to be consoled so much.  Honestly I wasn’t thinking too much about God then, I was anxiety ridden, a total mess. I was praying I would make it through without losing it. Things going through my mind. Will I go back, can I, will things change? The answer was no.

I try to journal my thoughts daily and don’t have good handwriting anyway. I got my driver’s license and I am learning to drive a five-speed again. It’s been since 1985 but, it’s coming back well. Then I’ll be freer to get into an activity center and socialize. I need friends and more things to do outside the house. Just to be helpful to someone in someway would be good too.