Tornadoes hit U.S.

By now everyone knows that tornadoes hit from Arkansas through Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, Virginia, and Georgia. Hundreds if not thousands injured and two hundred eighty confirmed dead so far mostly in Alabama. They were unbelievably strong storms. The worst since 1925. It could be from the Mississippi-Alabama line through Tuscaloosa and Georgia and Southwestern Tennessee, one tornado reported fifty to sixty times travelling over 219 miles rivaling the one in 1925. It had winds over 200 miles per hour and the devastation eerily similar to Hurricane Katrina in 2005.

Pray for all the people there that lost their lives and are hurt. For all the homes and businesses lost and that they get quick assistance. The same for the tornadoes that hit earlier in the week and all the flooding. Plus more dangerous weather on the way. Just bad weather or more prophesy. You will hear of so many more storms, earthquakes, wars and famine. Are we getting there. It looks like it. Let the Lord save you.

St. Matthew 7-7 Ask and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you.

 St. Matthew 7-8 For everyone that asketh receiveth and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

Before I came back to the U.S.

Very Hard Times

Sunday, June 06, 2010
I’ve been through two very hard days again. I got upset because my daughter was mistreated by a so-called friend. My husband and I argued, it became much bigger about the way he feels about other people. He says he could care less. He only cares for his family only. He is a hater and I don’t like it. I could leave, I live abroad, but I will leave alone. My daughter is 13 wants to stay here. My husband did not always talk this way. Just more so since I was diagnosed last year. We been married 14 yrs. I leave the house and walk knowing there is no place to go. I just want to live and be happy. More and more the triggers go off. I can’t avoid them. No one can understand me or really cares to try. My therapist is all, but that will end soon. My husband said he loves me and will try not to speak this way again. We will see, I am not going to live hearing this. Nice that I’m fifty-four and have to start over, again.

Trouble with Mother-in Law

Friday, June 25, 2010

I am very frustrated with this woman. Over the years she has given me so much unwanted advice. She has no business in most things. As I said I was bipolar since twenty but not diagnosed til May 2009. I asked her repeatedly to keep her comments or dislikes about me to herself. The other day she was again going to give me advice. I said no I don’t want it anymore. I finally got angry and told her many of the things that she said that upset me over the years. She was astounded said I must be delusional or she never meant it like I understood it. She has never hurt anyone in her whole life. My husband finally told her to leave me alone. Just today one last dig. She wanted to know why I chose bullying in schools to go manic on. Why didn’t I chose sick and dying people instead. Is this understanding? I am very sensitive, always have been but since becoming bipolar I refuse to take verbal abuse. I had enough all my life.

The Life before is History

I went to see my therapist today. We had a good talk about the issues of this past week. She said I handled everything pretty well. I think so too. I get where sometimes I feel like a basket case but, it’s doesn’t take me over.

No word from my family but, still hoping. I saw my husband has been on AIM twice or more now. He always had me blocked, so I’m wondering what’s up with that. If I see him tonight. I might ask him why he is letting me see him online, when since December nothing. Maybe he’s feeling a pang of guilt, not. I can’t change anything now. I have my dad and mom to be here for. I would never think of going back to Lebanon anyway. I wouldn’t mind having my daughter though. If she would grow up some and realize it takes two for a marriage to fail, even if one is bipolar. If I was like I am now on the right meds and without his abuse, it could have calmed. He would have to not hold my illness against me. I am just dreaming. He cannot do any of those things. I was never on the right meds. He never ever questioned the doctors. I really can’t say because he just threw me away really. I have to stop living inthe past even if it was just six months ago, yeah right. I don’t want anymore blame games. As I said I took all of the blame, so we’re done. I know that’s not true but, it’s what they think. So maybe no arguments mean she might contact me sooner or later. I am done making the first move. Oh, she’s just not ready to play nice, so her dad says, whatever.

She’s fourteen and as I said the kids even there are into bullying. I don’t know anything about what is happening now. Out of sight, no one tells you a thing. Even if I ran for my life. It doesn’t matter. I went to better myself, he said. Just a minute I had tried suicide in July. He never stopped harassing me. I strove to keep myself together by popping Klonopin. I had to wait a whole month more to leave because of lithium toxicity. Yeah, I made up my mind before I left not to go back, the mess I was. I can’t say it didn’t pop in my head as an option for weeks or months. The hardest part was my daughter but, you know she is doing just fine without me. Life evidently turned out the way it was supposed to. I could not control it. I thank the Lord his hand was upon me always.

Parents talk to your kids daily. Ask them what is going on at school. I always found out and did something. No one should be told it will get better or just try to be tougher. It doesn’t work that way when you have kids as vicious as they are today. As I said before, I feel for all the parents and kids that commit suicide. This should never be their answer.

That is that.

Well finally after pushing so hard, they finally both wrote. If they don’t ask about him in the future, they will not know. They don’t really want to be bothered anyway. At least I got that much out of them. I am tired of trying to get any answers. I don’t know what is happening in their lives except what I read on the internet site I mentioned before. That will be enough for me. I would think a lot of people I know, would have left already. The country is very unstable.

 Lebanon has mostly always been that way. I always found out things myself once I found this site. They say Israel is infringing on their rights by spying. If they don’t watch Hezbollah it could get out of control quickly. Everyone knows they are gearing up. I don’t believe the next war will keep the Christians there safe either. The attack of Hezbollah will be intense, since they have been stockpiling weapons since 2006. Israel’s response will be strong also. There is a warning since all the other countries are basically in civil wars. The same will happen there. Though the government was toppled, it’s the same disagreements over and over. When they release the Special Tribunal for Lebanon’s findings, about who killed Rafik Hariri and others, namely Hezbollah members. There will terrorist acts to take it away from top news. I can see a civil war brewing also between the Shiites and Sunni Muslims. No wonder Israel is upset. When push comes to shove, they will join together to fight against Israel if Hezbollah sends rockets there. I am not any expert, I visited ten years and lived there two. I had no idea that both sects despise Israel until I came back here.

I know the U.S. says they are trying to help but, it’s a terrible thing that we have lost so many young men, fathers, mothers, daughters and others over something that can’t be stopped in Afghanistan and Iraq and other countries. A few days ago from a house near a prison in Afghanistan they tunneled to the prison. Five hundred Taliban fighters got out. Some Lebanese abducted six Estonians, for more terror. Eleven of the abductors are in jail. The abductees nowhere to be found. I’m not saying I don’t care about the people because I do so much, but we can’t fight the whole world. The U.S. is going to suffer too we are already with our deficit. Just my feelings from what I’ve read and learned. Glad I’m here and not there but, when almost the whole Middle East world is warring what can we do, pray. It’s prophesy you believe or you don’t. I keep saying make your choice, God, through Jesus or evil. No choice is making one for evil. No one knows the date or time only God.

Too much to ask

I asked my daughter and step-son to write individual notes of sympathy to their grandfather over a week ago. Today I get one from my steps-son on their behalf. Every sentence began with a lower case letter. He is not the real grandson. My parents treated him like one though. She is the grand-daughter. Lord, she hates me so much. She can’t even say good-bye to her grandpa. We are not sure how much longer he will live. Guess that goes to show me my daughter controls everyone. She has a fit when she doesn’t want to do something. Yeah, we brought her up right okay. We gave her everything she ever wanted and more. He and I spoiled her. All she had to do was have a fit. I had to sleep with her until she was twelve, because she never learned to console herself to sleep as a baby. My in-laws came for a four-month trip when she was less than a year old. The mother said please don’t let her cry herself to sleep while we are here. I should have said mind your own business. I had just met them.

 That’s all it took. I couldn’t ever break her because, my husband had to get up in the morning to work. Poor poor soul couldn’t even give a weekend to break her. Then I was the bad one if I fell asleep with her, waiting for her to sleep. Parents if you are listening don’t give into babies when they cry in bed. They will learn to comfort themselves. If not you’ll end up like me. With a daughter that could spit in my face without a second thought. I am just so upset, I can’t believe this. If it were the reverse I would be e-mailing all the time. Even if we are separated and I told them it was all my fault. I’m bipolar and went nuts. I took all the credit. Give me a break. You can’t even bring yourself to type a nice sympathy note. It’s not even to me. I’ll have to have my next of kin notify them when I die, wait I don’t have any. They can find out after from my sister or brothers. My mother is seventy-nine. She is likely to not be around either.

My mom says don’t expect to much. I guess I’ll take her advice. I have been writing on and off for four months not knowing if it’s read most of the time anyway. I need to give up but, I just want to have hope. What if months turn to years and then to ten years? That is sure to happen if we are still here. Maybe I’ll hear from a stranger someday, who knows. I sure don’t know. Lord, give me hope and faith to get through this again and again.

Happy Easter, Christ has risen!

I sent three Easter cards to my daughter, son and step-son. No one has opened them. Am I surprised, nope. Then again would her dad change her mind. He needs to realize even long-distance a child needs her mother. Instead he is feeding her hatred. He knows what he did, to me and will never admit it unless he repents. I have hopes for him of that. You can never give up totally on someone. The thing is he is putting himself in their eyes by example, to feel the same about me. I am not kidding this man went from the love of my life, to me being disgusting and hated. My daughter followed his lead. She says she is too angry, his words from her, to have a relationship with me. When she is ready she will. She didn’t have one after I got sick. She was on his side, said she hated me with bipolar. We with bipolar are sensitive to people’s put downs and joking remarks and outright just painful, hateful and disturbing treatment. No wonder daughters and sons worry about the treatment of their parents in nursing homes. Mental abuse is terrible for ever person living. I could not help it. I was a loner and tried to hold my own. Then I lost it July 10th, 2010 and tried to end it, mostly because of her and what she said. Did I want to start over, no. What was there to live for. I had no friends, all family around me wanted me to be invisible. You can only take being ignored for so long. My daughter would say who invited you into this conversation, no comment from her dad. I am not exaggerating. Oh, maybe once in a blue moon. Maybe he had a pang of guilt about how the crazy was being treated. Didn’t it even dawn on Mr. Master Degree’s mind that maybe, just maybe he could still love and support me. I think I am talking about common sense, treat others like you want to be treated. Yet maybe don’t treat sick people with recoil and hatred. No where does it say that a person with bipolar will never get better, if they work on it. I am living proof that it happened. It wasn’t overnight it took six months with the right medicines and right psychiatric care, therapy, and case workers. The support of parents and family. I will always be bipolar with my triggers to the end, but the control is there. 

The previous post shows my family here doesn’t always  get along but, we love each other. My dad is dying, but has a good outlook, says he’s working on getting better. We are not really sure if it is pancreatic cancer.  He says why should he put himself through a painful biopsy to find out. It is still sad though. My daughter won’t even write him a note saying sorry you are ill. Everyone has their own views. I guess to my family I left, I was a psycho-maniac. Everyone says just wait, someday she will come back to you. I don’t know. I hope so. In the mean time it’s hard not to think of her growing up without me. I am sad today because of the Easter Cards. I have to go through May without Mother’s Day or a birthday being recognized. Just like Christmas and New Years. Well at least I’m not expecting anything. Then I won’t be surprised about zero acknowledgement. I am dead-end mother, who threw her daughter away like a candy wrapper. I went off to better myself, how selfish. (his words).  I remember when I left wondering how I was going to take a whole day to get back to the U.S. without half losing it. Then I had a six-hour layover in Frankfort, never had that in years. I couldn’t see well so I asked a steward to fill out my custom card, wow God bless him. Then it seems forever before you get there when you need to be consoled so much.  Honestly I wasn’t thinking too much about God then, I was anxiety ridden, a total mess. I was praying I would make it through without losing it. Things going through my mind. Will I go back, can I, will things change? The answer was no.

I try to journal my thoughts daily and don’t have good handwriting anyway. I got my driver’s license and I am learning to drive a five-speed again. It’s been since 1985 but, it’s coming back well. Then I’ll be freer to get into an activity center and socialize. I need friends and more things to do outside the house. Just to be helpful to someone in someway would be good too.

Talking to me, I’m someone.

I need a real Christian to talk to besides my brother. We had our Easter dinner today because my one brother has plans tomorrow. He has his wife’s family. My sister is going home tomorrow. I know God always listens but, I need someone who shares my views about all of the Bible being true. I said before I know God gave the Holy Spirit to those that wrote the Bible. Is he not perfect? They aren’t but, would he let them make mistakes in his Gospel. I don’t think so. I have as many people have suffered many things in my life. I was off living my life for myself in the worldly world. Hey, look what it got me mounds of grief. I finally learned my lesson after letting him lead My life. Yes, I have the affliction of bipolar. My family can get me really going when we speak of Religion. My brother and I are just trying to share the word with them. They look at it as trying to change their views, or stuff it down their throats, etc. We listen to their views too. We are supposed to remain silent and accepting. I don’t agree with them so as I said before I don’t want to have the arguments so I try to keep to myself.

Christians always have to be stronger with God’s help.  Dad watched a tape about Genesis with him yesterday.  My other brother says he has his views and that’s it. If you don’t want to watch something or hear something, be kind. My brother said he is done and so am I trying to explain what I feel about being saved. Their hearts must be hardened some way. We have to leave it to God, to do it his way. We are just making them angry. I wish God would come today or soon to take me and all other Christians away from this.

I can hear them speaking in the other room about material things. How they work so hard. Without letting God lead their lives. So go ahead make it harder, I did for the longest time and it got me ditto. I lost my family because I got sick with bipolar, what can be worse than that. I would rather die for the Lord and be done with it all, but it’s not my choice.

Next week I’m visiting the activity center. Maybe I’ll find someone just to talk with about our disorders. Then later maybe God. I’m not trying to force anyone to listen if their minds are closed. I just want to help people by listening and sharing.

Disasters Everywhere

Texas Wildfires keep going, Middle East fighting. If they are not yet they will be. Japan earthquake and tsunami, last year Chili’s massive earthquake and tsunami and Haiti before that one. Not to mention fierce hurricanes and tornadoes. A kindergartener brings a gun to school and it goes off and hits three kids. Another one older brings one but, they are sure he wasn’t going to use it.  Three toddlers served booze at restaurants almost dying. Leaders of countries ordering their own people killed, been going on for years. Suicide bombers taking out as many people as then can, funerals weddings, no matter, airplanes, subways, buses, Oklahoma City, Twin Towers are complete terroristic acts. Here’s a good site that keeps you up to date about several countries is the Middle East,, go to news desk if you are interested. Also from Israel.

Kids killing themselves because they can’t take it anymore. People saying oh it’s just kids, get over it when someone bullies you. When you get it to the extreme as it was for me and kids nowadays, you just want to be invisible or die. That’s what they are driven to. Everyday someone making remarks or jokes at their expense or beating on them. A girl in Florida kicked in head with steel toed boots. Another boy set on fire after being doused with rubbing alcohol went to the same school. The kids that hanged themselves last year and more before that killed themselves. Don’t forget Columbine and all that died and others that have done the same type of killings. These kids were sick and desperate to do something so horrible and ruin the lives of many families as they did. Why didn’t we look into these acts more deeply. Kids get mentally ill too, where are the parents. I would always notice if my child was unhappy and ask her what went on. We could have started and stayed educating our kids about these things all along. Developing a class that all kids had to attend. Instead parents and schools did not push for it. So now it’s gotten worse. How many more have to die because we don’t teach our kids at home not to be mean to others for their own enjoyment, it’s wrong? They are finally talking about it but, will the others seeing it turn them in. Maybe some will but, most don’t want to end up being the next target. They are trying to pass laws to stop it.

My own daughter has been through several incidents. The first was a girl who wanted to take over the friendship she had. Three was a crowd I guess, and she hated my daughter. She made up a name so she could talk freely to my daughter’s best friend on the bus about her. She made up a sign language so she could talk in front of her without her understanding. I told my best friend about it many times to stop her daughter from letting this girl influence her against my daughter. They were best friends since four years old. She’d come home crying and I finally started driving her to school. I even took her to a therapist. She said treat the bully with complete kindness and maybe she would stop. It worked for a while. I even spoke to the mother and she said they just don’t like each other. I said so let them stay away from each other. The bottom line was no help there. There will always be someone you don’t want for a close friend. Finally my friend and I had talked more about it after the sign language started. She told me my daughter better get used to it. That it would happen more in High School. It ruined our friendship for two days because I was so angry at her for not interceding. Well she was right about it happening later too. What I did was write a letter to the principal of the school. The counselor talked to both girls and barred the bully from interacting with my daughter at all at school. It ended and we were lucky. We had a school that cared so much. The last bully incident was the whole sixth grade class, led by a set of twins took over and turned everyone in the class against my daughter’s best friend. They ignored her, passed her over by purposely not including her. They were always making fun of her. They took a class trip and my daughter’s friend did not go. All the kids joined in and said why are you friends with her. She does this and that and is so annoying. My daughter came and told us, she decided not to be friends with her anymore. I said no way you will not leave her to have her best friend desert her too. So I spoke to the school they interceded and I told the mother, a teacher for eighth graders at the school. She had not even known her daughter was being bullied. The counselor with the help of the faculty interceded. She called every kid up to do a little skit so they could see what it felt like to be bullied. Every kid in the class came out crying because they understood. My daughter started not being invited to things birthdays, etc. So my telling ruined her a bit socially for a little while. I was put through the ringer too, because of this. This is what lead to the hospitalization and my bipolar being diagnosed. I could not take anymore, because I was that little girl fighting to not be bullied. After my daughter told me, mom you really did help and the school is doing good work against the bullying. It was the end of the year and the mother of the twins told me her daughters had a very bad summer. I felt sad for them. She still never taught them to act respectably. She was that type of person also, thinking power over others was the way to teach her kids. All other parent’s felt the same way about this woman and warned me from the beginning about her and her daughters. They were too afraid to do anything. Anyway bullying and bipolar ended my marriage as I said before. I would do it all over again to help any child.

Our government is fighting to stay afloat and so are many others that are going bankrupt. Then you have the dollar falling and what will all our hard-earned money be worth then, nada. Didn’t you hear that sucking sound when all the business went overseas. With all the smart business people and politicians, there should have been some idea what this could do to our country. The BRICS Nations alliance formed to push for a New World Economic Order – Brazil, Russia, India, China, and South Africa. With the U.S. and Japan supposedly the richest countries. Germany, Great Britain and France will have less input.

Genesis is a storytale per most churches. How did we get here, some are believing evolution? I said forty years ago. I never came from no monkey or caveman or whatever. I was created in God’s image. Just like he created Adam and Eve. I believe God found Noah a righteous man and spared him and his family and all the animals he took aboard the ark. God gave him complete instructions to build it. All that was left was he and his family because, everyone else was evil. So they had children and repopulated the earth after the flood. Even when Jesus walked this land and did miracles in front of people they still did not believe. What do you believe? When you die your life is over. Well that’s okay for you maybe but, I’m taken the narrow path with the strait gate right to Jesus my Savior and God.

People are so mean.

I just read about another celebrity that is bipolar. The hate for people like us it is downright rude. Why do people say these things when they don’t even know anything about it? If they did they wouldn’t want to be in our shoes. Haven’t we all said time after time, that bipolar is just a part of us, like any other disease, diabetes, cancer, etc? We can’t help it our brains have a genetic disorder. If it was fixable, we would fix it. They think just because they are celebrities, they are trying to get attention. Yes, attention alright to the cause, to the stigma of realizing that there are many of us out there. What I have to say to them is open your eyes, stop seeing with hate. If you don’t have a kind word to say about any disorder, mental illness or disease, just keep quiet. If you would educate yourselves, you would have empathy, not hate. It’s on popeater. com if you are interested. Zeta Jones last week, Lovato this week. I say, thanks for your support for others like us.