Before and after I was diagnosed

I was with by best friend since 1993 and we married in 1998. We lived in Texas until 2008. I knew from the beginning I would live in Lebanon someday. We had a girl now fourteen and a stepson twenty-one. I had been visiting Lebanon since 1998 and loved it. Everything seemed okay to me. My family here was not to happy but, I had promised I would live there.  

Everything was okay until June of 2009. I really didn’t have any close friends there. I had relatives and not so close friends through my daughter’s friends at school. An incident of severe bullying was going on in the whole class directed at my daughter’s best friend. I got very upset because it reminded me of my childhood. When things did get handled correctly I felt the wrath and so did my daughter. I just wanted it to stop. The reminders were too much and I thought I could do more in the world to help with this problem. It had happened to my daughter in the U.S. also and I helped stop it.

I ended up in the hospital because of being delusional. I was put on Lithium and (Xprexa) which I did not take it long. I knew from that time my husband would never accept or understand my disorder. He became frustrated and didn’t know how to help me. I felt frustration, hopelessness, worthlessness and isolation.  I even walked the streets to calm down with nowhere to go. I had tried suicide and ended up back in the hospital in July 2010. I stayed five days and was still on Lithium and they added Invega. I had the worst side effects on this drug. I could not see the computer to talk to my family. I walked shuffling my feet, drooling like a baby, could hardly do housework or cook. My husband said this was the best I had ever been on medication. Even though I begged he did not help me get off it. I begged the doctor to get me off when his Aunt gave me a ride there. She kept wiping my mouth while I was drooling.  Never did one of the psychiatrists suggest we try something besides Lithium either. Any way I’m sure it was hard to live with me but, I don’t think it was right to make it worse by not helping  to best of his ability. Soon my daughter turned against me because in my blackouts (PTSD) I called them both swearing words. My soul was hurt until I felt like dying. I planned to leave and see my parents here in September but, was unable to leave for a month because my psychiatrist did not adjust my Lithium after I lost 45 pounds and I became toxic. I finally got to go and was seriously ill and didn’t know what to do. I just knew I wanted to be stable. Over the internet it was all me and my fault. So what could I do the marriage was ending. My daughter and stepson are lost to me. I have had no contact since January because it kept me depressed having one-sided conversations and I knew my daughter was seeing that I had been abusive, not that I was very sick. My stepson is just plain afraid of him. I also had a mother-in-law I’m sure that didn’t get it either. She was always giving me unwanted advice to change to her ways. Not really realizing how it was affecting me or even noticing it bothered me.

Anyway here I am medicine changed and working, feeling well of course, I think of them and pray for all in the Middle East and here. What can I do but go on with the Lord’s help, nothing, and forgive everyone in my life that hurt me.


Reason For My Blog

Just trying to live with this disorder. I wasn’t diagnosed until a bullying incident at my daughters school in 2009 in Lebanon. I had previous bullying in my childhood, and many other abuses since. My daughter and her friend (whom I felt the same as when I was young) were both being bullied. I just could not take it and wanted to help. I stopped it and I would do it again no matter the outcome. I lived in Lebanon two and half years before returning to Michigan heart-broken in November 2010.

I became a child of Christ not long after. In my deepest grief he called me. He is my rock. My pictures are of Lebanon. The Cedar Trees mentioned in the Bible and the trip we took there. I have also been to Cana, (maybe not the right Qana is in Galilee also)  the place where the Lord performed his first miracle, water into wine at the wedding.  The photos here are on the way to the Cedars. A few beach days. A Cross at one. The Grand Hills Hotel in the city I lived. Michigan my home, the Mackinaw Bridge. Labor Day is the bridge walk. I’ve been once at the 35th anniversary. I’d like to go again.

The Reason for my blog is I wanted people to know there are many people who have been abused. Throughout my life I have always been brought back to God. I always have felt his presence in my life very young. I was raised Catholic but, did not always go to church. I didn’t always pray like I should or study my bible. I just knew he was always there. I know Jesus Christ is my Savior now. As a young girl my mother told me I was very spiritual. Now I want to help others with mental disorders and be led where ever I am needed. Anyone who the Lord calls to repentance can be forgiven their sins and walk with him and know that this world is just but a moment in time. It will pass away to eternal life with God, Christ Jesus, all the Saints and Angels, the Believers. He died for us so our sins of the flesh would be forgiven. I became a born again Christian this year, March 2011.