I started on anti-depressents at forty.

I started after I had my daughter. Maybe at that time no one went any further to diagnose bipolar. I just told the doctor I was having moods swings. I was put on prozac that seemed to work for five years. I tried them all Wellbutrin, etc. I ended up on Effexor and it worked fine. When we moved to Lebanon I had to go back to prozac because effexor was to expensive. The beginning of my steps toward my ultimate diagnosis of bipolar type 1 disorder along with the event at my daughter’s school fueled the total out coming of this disorder.

Here in the states I immediately got into treatment as I was in a terrible depressive, suicidal state. I told my mother the second day here I needed help right away. I got into the emergency treatment center that day. I saw my psychiatrist the next Monday and he began weaning me off Lithium to Lamictal which took one month. I received Medicaid benefits and had to change to another Psychiatrist because I now had insurance. I am receiving therapy also. So all these things have worked together to stabilize me. I thank God and my family for helping me and my doctors, case workers and therapists. If only my husband had done what they did and cared enough to see it through I would have gone back because help would have been there. Then as you know Hezbollah is trying to take over the government now and that sealed the deal of going back for sure. I was there and evacuated in 2006 by the U.S. marines so I know what can happen now. 

Don’t get me wrong I know it is hard living with a bipolar but, it can be done. I avoid things that set me off and do inhibit my recovery. Even though it meant leaving my daughter and stepson behind. I was dying inside and it had to stop. I have no contact and know I am hated. All my husband said and my daughter too was they wanted the old me back. It can’t happen because I’m bipolar and if you keep pushing my trigger buttons. I’ll either leave or fight back. I did both to no avail.   

Remaining stable since February, I feel I am readying myself to work again. I want to be a Peer in a center for other people going through the same disorders or similar ones. Where ever I am needed.

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