Better Days

My dad seems to be getting stronger every day. I think though he thinks he may die soon. When you’re eighty you think about those things. I hope he has accepted the Holy Spirit. My mom doesn’t want me to talk to him about it. So I won’t to not get her upset. I wish she could understand what I am saying, but it’s now up to the Lord if she and he sees or not. I sent the same request to my daughter and stepson in Lebanon. That they should choose Jesus and accept the Holy Spirit and study his word. I hope they take the advice God sent through me. I said if you don’t chose the choice is made for you and I gave them St. Matthew 7:13-14 for and example. All the countries around and Lebanon mostly hate Israel and they are God’s chosen people. So I hope they both realize what God is asking. Maybe through them others can be saved. In Jesus’s name I pray.

Dad came home

My dad came home the night before last. He still will need a couple of weeks to recover. He is very touchy also. Late tonight he told us the doctor said his pancreas is worn out. He may need insulin shots soon. I went to my therapist yesterday and we had a good talk. I was feeling pretty down about all of the hospital days. They hardly tell you all that is going on. He had Afib also which was really scary. I don’t want to lose him but the realization is setting in. He’s not going to get younger or possibly better. Oh, Lord thank you for my times with my dad. That I got here in November to be helped by him and now I can help both my dad and mom.

My dad was hospitalized

He woke with bad pains this morning. We took him to the hospital. He had an erratic heartbeat and low kidney function due to a problem with a stint moving. He had stones in his liver in January. Now tomorrow the doctor will put in a bigger stint. I pray this works. He has been through too much. He threw up twice today. God help him in Jesus’s name I pray.

My Dad is ill

Shortly after I arrived in November, my dad started having problems. He has Copd, asthma, colitis, a blood disorder that has lowered his immunities and could become leukemia already diagnosed. This time since he had his gallbladder out years ago he had a blockage of small stones outside the liver. They went in once and cleared it and had to go back to put a stint in, because he was still having problems. He has mostly not felt himself since then. He is also a diabetic recently taking meds and eating properly, checking his glucose. Now again he is feeling sicker the last few days and has not been able to eat and what he does eat he throws up. He has lost another four pounds. I am very afraid for him. I pray the Lord Jesus doesn’t take him yet. I love him so. I know he will be with you though. He will be eighty this year.


I have to get a copy of my marriage license so I can get my driver’s license. Then I can get back to work. I went to church yesterday. I always feel good there. I try hard to feel happy and not think of things that make me sad. I think once I am out and meeting more Christians and people who need help, I won’t dwell so much on my daughter and stepson. I hope my husband and family are okay too. Even if to them I am a deserter. Oh, God I feel awful about this but, I could endure no more. Someday I hope my baby girl returns to me, if not here than in heaven. Same for my stepson who was always a love to me. Maybe we will all meet again. How am I to know I’m not the judge,  Jesus is and God.  I feel fearful of God but, that is normal and I hold tight to my beliefs and study to know more. I want to so I have something to share with others, something more.

I started on anti-depressents at forty.

I started after I had my daughter. Maybe at that time no one went any further to diagnose bipolar. I just told the doctor I was having moods swings. I was put on prozac that seemed to work for five years. I tried them all Wellbutrin, etc. I ended up on Effexor and it worked fine. When we moved to Lebanon I had to go back to prozac because effexor was to expensive. The beginning of my steps toward my ultimate diagnosis of bipolar type 1 disorder along with the event at my daughter’s school fueled the total out coming of this disorder.

Here in the states I immediately got into treatment as I was in a terrible depressive, suicidal state. I told my mother the second day here I needed help right away. I got into the emergency treatment center that day. I saw my psychiatrist the next Monday and he began weaning me off Lithium to Lamictal which took one month. I received Medicaid benefits and had to change to another Psychiatrist because I now had insurance. I am receiving therapy also. So all these things have worked together to stabilize me. I thank God and my family for helping me and my doctors, case workers and therapists. If only my husband had done what they did and cared enough to see it through I would have gone back because help would have been there. Then as you know Hezbollah is trying to take over the government now and that sealed the deal of going back for sure. I was there and evacuated in 2006 by the U.S. marines so I know what can happen now. 

Don’t get me wrong I know it is hard living with a bipolar but, it can be done. I avoid things that set me off and do inhibit my recovery. Even though it meant leaving my daughter and stepson behind. I was dying inside and it had to stop. I have no contact and know I am hated. All my husband said and my daughter too was they wanted the old me back. It can’t happen because I’m bipolar and if you keep pushing my trigger buttons. I’ll either leave or fight back. I did both to no avail.   

Remaining stable since February, I feel I am readying myself to work again. I want to be a Peer in a center for other people going through the same disorders or similar ones. Where ever I am needed.