Better Days

My dad seems to be getting stronger every day. I think though he thinks he may die soon. When you’re eighty you think about those things. I hope he has accepted the Holy Spirit. My mom doesn’t want me to talk to him about it. So I won’t to not get her upset. I wish she could understand what I am saying, but it’s now up to the Lord if she and he sees or not. I sent the same request to my daughter and stepson in Lebanon. That they should choose Jesus and accept the Holy Spirit and study his word. I hope they take the advice God sent through me. I said if you don’t chose the choice is made for you and I gave them St. Matthew 7:13-14 for and example. All the countries around and Lebanon mostly hate Israel and they are God’s chosen people. So I hope they both realize what God is asking. Maybe through them others can be saved. In Jesus’s name I pray.

Dad came home

My dad came home the night before last. He still will need a couple of weeks to recover. He is very touchy also. Late tonight he told us the doctor said his pancreas is worn out. He may need insulin shots soon. I went to my therapist yesterday and we had a good talk. I was feeling pretty down about all of the hospital days. They hardly tell you all that is going on. He had Afib also which was really scary. I don’t want to lose him but the realization is setting in. He’s not going to get younger or possibly better. Oh, Lord thank you for my times with my dad. That I got here in November to be helped by him and now I can help both my dad and mom.

My dad was hospitalized

He woke with bad pains this morning. We took him to the hospital. He had an erratic heartbeat and low kidney function due to a problem with a stint moving. He had stones in his liver in January. Now tomorrow the doctor will put in a bigger stint. I pray this works. He has been through too much. He threw up twice today. God help him in Jesus’s name I pray.

My Dad is ill

Shortly after I arrived in November, my dad started having problems. He has Copd, asthma, colitis, a blood disorder that has lowered his immunities and could become leukemia already diagnosed. This time since he had his gallbladder out years ago he had a blockage of small stones outside the liver. They went in once and cleared it and had to go back to put a stint in, because he was still having problems. He has mostly not felt himself since then. He is also a diabetic recently taking meds and eating properly, checking his glucose. Now again he is feeling sicker the last few days and has not been able to eat and what he does eat he throws up. He has lost another four pounds. I am very afraid for him. I pray the Lord Jesus doesn’t take him yet. I love him so. I know he will be with you though. He will be eighty this year.

Blessings

I have to get a copy of my marriage license so I can get my driver’s license. Then I can get back to work. I went to church yesterday. I always feel good there. I try hard to feel happy and not think of things that make me sad. I think once I am out and meeting more Christians and people who need help, I won’t dwell so much on my daughter and stepson. I hope my husband and family are okay too. Even if to them I am a deserter. Oh, God I feel awful about this but, I could endure no more. Someday I hope my baby girl returns to me, if not here than in heaven. Same for my stepson who was always a love to me. Maybe we will all meet again. How am I to know I’m not the judge,  Jesus is and God.  I feel fearful of God but, that is normal and I hold tight to my beliefs and study to know more. I want to so I have something to share with others, something more.

I started on anti-depressents at forty.

I started after I had my daughter. Maybe at that time no one went any further to diagnose bipolar. I just told the doctor I was having moods swings. I was put on prozac that seemed to work for five years. I tried them all Wellbutrin, etc. I ended up on Effexor and it worked fine. When we moved to Lebanon I had to go back to prozac because effexor was to expensive. The beginning of my steps toward my ultimate diagnosis of bipolar type 1 disorder along with the event at my daughter’s school fueled the total out coming of this disorder.

Here in the states I immediately got into treatment as I was in a terrible depressive, suicidal state. I told my mother the second day here I needed help right away. I got into the emergency treatment center that day. I saw my psychiatrist the next Monday and he began weaning me off Lithium to Lamictal which took one month. I received Medicaid benefits and had to change to another Psychiatrist because I now had insurance. I am receiving therapy also. So all these things have worked together to stabilize me. I thank God and my family for helping me and my doctors, case workers and therapists. If only my husband had done what they did and cared enough to see it through I would have gone back because help would have been there. Then as you know Hezbollah is trying to take over the government now and that sealed the deal of going back for sure. I was there and evacuated in 2006 by the U.S. marines so I know what can happen now. 

Don’t get me wrong I know it is hard living with a bipolar but, it can be done. I avoid things that set me off and do inhibit my recovery. Even though it meant leaving my daughter and stepson behind. I was dying inside and it had to stop. I have no contact and know I am hated. All my husband said and my daughter too was they wanted the old me back. It can’t happen because I’m bipolar and if you keep pushing my trigger buttons. I’ll either leave or fight back. I did both to no avail.   

Remaining stable since February, I feel I am readying myself to work again. I want to be a Peer in a center for other people going through the same disorders or similar ones. Where ever I am needed.

Before and after I was diagnosed

I was with by best friend since 1993 and we married in 1998. We lived in Texas until 2008. I knew from the beginning I would live in Lebanon someday. We had a girl now fourteen and a stepson twenty-one. I had been visiting Lebanon since 1998 and loved it. Everything seemed okay to me. My family here was not to happy but, I had promised I would live there.  

Everything was okay until June of 2009. I really didn’t have any close friends there. I had relatives and not so close friends through my daughter’s friends at school. An incident of severe bullying was going on in the whole class directed at my daughter’s best friend. I got very upset because it reminded me of my childhood. When things did get handled correctly I felt the wrath and so did my daughter. I just wanted it to stop. The reminders were too much and I thought I could do more in the world to help with this problem. It had happened to my daughter in the U.S. also and I helped stop it.

I ended up in the hospital because of being delusional. I was put on Lithium and (Xprexa) which I did not take it long. I knew from that time my husband would never accept or understand my disorder. He became frustrated and didn’t know how to help me. I felt frustration, hopelessness, worthlessness and isolation.  I even walked the streets to calm down with nowhere to go. I had tried suicide and ended up back in the hospital in July 2010. I stayed five days and was still on Lithium and they added Invega. I had the worst side effects on this drug. I could not see the computer to talk to my family. I walked shuffling my feet, drooling like a baby, could hardly do housework or cook. My husband said this was the best I had ever been on medication. Even though I begged he did not help me get off it. I begged the doctor to get me off when his Aunt gave me a ride there. She kept wiping my mouth while I was drooling.  Never did one of the psychiatrists suggest we try something besides Lithium either. Any way I’m sure it was hard to live with me but, I don’t think it was right to make it worse by not helping  to best of his ability. Soon my daughter turned against me because in my blackouts (PTSD) I called them both swearing words. My soul was hurt until I felt like dying. I planned to leave and see my parents here in September but, was unable to leave for a month because my psychiatrist did not adjust my Lithium after I lost 45 pounds and I became toxic. I finally got to go and was seriously ill and didn’t know what to do. I just knew I wanted to be stable. Over the internet it was all me and my fault. So what could I do the marriage was ending. My daughter and stepson are lost to me. I have had no contact since January because it kept me depressed having one-sided conversations and I knew my daughter was seeing that I had been abusive, not that I was very sick. My stepson is just plain afraid of him. I also had a mother-in-law I’m sure that didn’t get it either. She was always giving me unwanted advice to change to her ways. Not really realizing how it was affecting me or even noticing it bothered me.

Anyway here I am medicine changed and working, feeling well of course, I think of them and pray for all in the Middle East and here. What can I do but go on with the Lord’s help, nothing, and forgive everyone in my life that hurt me.

Reason For My Blog

Just trying to live with this disorder. I wasn’t diagnosed until a bullying incident at my daughters school in 2009 in Lebanon. I had previous bullying in my childhood, and many other abuses since. My daughter and her friend (whom I felt the same as when I was young) were both being bullied. I just could not take it and wanted to help. I stopped it and I would do it again no matter the outcome. I lived in Lebanon two and half years before returning to Michigan heart-broken in November 2010.

I became a child of Christ not long after. In my deepest grief he called me. He is my rock. My pictures are of Lebanon. The Cedar Trees mentioned in the Bible and the trip we took there. I have also been to Cana, (maybe not the right Qana is in Galilee also)  the place where the Lord performed his first miracle, water into wine at the wedding.  The photos here are on the way to the Cedars. A few beach days. A Cross at one. The Grand Hills Hotel in the city I lived. Michigan my home, the Mackinaw Bridge. Labor Day is the bridge walk. I’ve been once at the 35th anniversary. I’d like to go again.

The Reason for my blog is I wanted people to know there are many people who have been abused. Throughout my life I have always been brought back to God. I always have felt his presence in my life very young. I was raised Catholic but, did not always go to church. I didn’t always pray like I should or study my bible. I just knew he was always there. I know Jesus Christ is my Savior now. As a young girl my mother told me I was very spiritual. Now I want to help others with mental disorders and be led where ever I am needed. Anyone who the Lord calls to repentance can be forgiven their sins and walk with him and know that this world is just but a moment in time. It will pass away to eternal life with God, Christ Jesus, all the Saints and Angels, the Believers. He died for us so our sins of the flesh would be forgiven. I became a born again Christian this year, March 2011.